I was posting in newcomers but have decided to switch to piecing as I think forum is more relevant to my situ.
I have tried to cut and paste below my thread so far......
Hi
Mine is a strange one I need advice on. I used Divorce busting all the time last year when my husband and I split up. He instiagated it, wanted independance, freedom, felt trapped other women etc etc. Anyway to cut a long story short, we sold our house and went seperate ways. He was seeing numerous other women and I start a new relationship. These past few weeks, my husband and I have started getting on really well again. We have a 2 yr old daughter so we still see alot of each other. We have gone on days out and spent quite a bit of time together, and we do talk alot more now. We also, and I no this is probably wrong, started a physical relationship again. I say this is wrong because we are both still currently in other relationships.
We have talked, and even though neither of us have ended our current relationships, we have discussed that we will test the water and see if we can get on again and if it would work. My husband has stated that he would not finish his current relationship with the OW at the moment as although he is happy we are getting on again, he does not want to rush things if there is a chance we mite work things out in the future. He would rather take time, and let things happen naturally. Me? well I feel similar, although I have to admit, if my husband came to me tomorrow and asked me to finish my current relationship and go back to him I would!!
So, I kind of feel I need to go back to DB!! I do want my marriage to work again, and I do feel we have a chance. But where do I go from here?? Both of us are in relationships and neither of us will end them at this time until we are more sure... Selfish I no, but that is the situation..
Any advice would be really appreciated.
Thanks
Post Extras: StrongEnough Member
Reged: 01/13/06 Posts: 109 Loc: Somewhere between insane and totally flippin' crazy! Re: back again...... [Re: c1t] #1061509 - 01/20/06 12:33 PM Edit Reply Quote
Hi. Welcome back.
I don't think your situation is strange at all. When H and I were in relationships, we started talking and getting closer. However, when it became physical we did end our relationships.
I can see both sides here. I was the one who did not want to rush back into anything. To be totally honest, even though I ended things with my bf, I wasn't ready to be through with him and it is hindering our reconciliation.
H on the other hand, wanted to move quickly. He moved back in with me within a week. I wasn't ready for that, but didn't have the b@lls to tell him that. So, I let him.
Fast forward one year later. We are still riding the roller coaster. I still harbor feelings for my ex-bf, etc.
So the best advice I can give you IS to take things slowly. But, think about what YOU are doing by cheating on your bf. Is that someone you want to be? Also, H cheated on you, now he is cheating WITH you. Be certain this is really what both of you want. I guess there isn't any other way to say it, be sure that he isn't trying to have his cake and eat it too.
Not sure this helped. Just my opinion here.
~StrongEnough
-------------------- "I'll chain you to the truth, for the truth shall set you free I'll turn the screws of vengeance and bury you with honesty"~ Lamb Of God
When I met my BF for the 1st 6 months I felt fantastic. all the horrible anxiety feelings and jealous feelings over my H went and i felt happy. Its only been the past 3 months that my feelings for my BY have started to disappear and I do think some of that has got to do with me letting my H back into my life..
My H has had short term flings ( no more than 2 months) with OW since we split but even though he instigated our original split up it has been him to has kept pressure on and kept instigating we start things up again.
I really dont know whether he sincerely wants to ultimately make things work for us or whether he just cannot bear for me to be with someone else!!
Its really hard to work out... things are much better between me and H now, we have a laugh and enjoy being in each others company. But, H will not at this moment in time finish who he is currently seeing for us to get back together properly. He just says he cannot jump straight in like that after everything that has happended. He wants to give it time to be sure and lets things happen naturally. He says his worst issue is jealousy, he gets so jealous and his worst fear is having to confront his jealousy if we get back together. What i mean by this is having to accept I have had another BY, physical relationship etc... He blames my BY for us breaking up. But we did not split up becuase of my BY. Basically we split up a year before and I had been D Busting for this year until I met my BY and then I just gave up.. So in his eyes I sat back for a year and tried, then all of a sudden stopped trying when I met my boyfriend.
I dont know....it all seems such a mess at the moment. I never thought I would end up back in this situation, nearly 2 years after me and H originally split up...
Am struggling as to where to go from here..
Post Extras: c1t Member
Reged: 08/23/04 Posts: 46
Re: back again...... [Re: c1t] #1063396 - 01/23/06 06:29 AM Edit Reply Quote
Feel very strange today, and can feel the old anxious, stressfull feelings coming back. Can not sleep again and gone off food completely!!
Am struggling with the decisions I now feel i have to make. I have realised that I just cannot cope and deal with having 2 men in my life, but the decision is who??
Being with my BF makes me feel happier as a person, I regaind my confidence, feel in control and all the horrible anxiety attacks disappear. But I no ultimately he is not the 1 I want to be with.
My H, yes I no deep down is the 1 i want to be with, but I know its going to be a hard struggle to get there. I know I am going to face months, even maybe years of DB, going back to days when I feel crap, and sick and like cyring. I know my H wants me to ends it with my BF but I also know if I did my H would not end it with his girlfirend and come back to me straight away.
I want to be with my H in the end but cant face having to go through the pain and struggle to get there...
Help!!
Post Extras: StrongEnough Member
Reged: 01/13/06 Posts: 109 Loc: Somewhere between insane and totally flippin' crazy! Re: back again...... [Re: c1t] #1063407 - 01/23/06 06:49 AM Edit Reply Quote
((((((HUGS)))))))
I know exactly how you feel. I have been there and it sucks almost as much as the day our WAS's dropped the bomb. I'm sorry to hear that you aren't sleeping and can't eat. I know it's difficult, but you need to take care of yourself physically while you go through this. If you can't eat, then atleast try to drink a supplement like Boost or something.
It is a difficult decision to make when faced with the fact that right now, you're happy and you know what lies ahead of you if you choose to try again with H. Being that I am in the situation, I will say that difficult is an understatement.
How about this. Would your BF be supportive of you taking a little time to yourself? Even if it's just a weekend. Go somewhere. Stay in a hotel for the weekend. Think things out in an unfamiliar place. I did this once and as crazy as it sounds, it did me a world of good. I reconnected with myself again. That's just me, it may not work for you.
As for the jealousy, my H felt the same way. You need to let that be his issue, not yours. Sure, it makes him wonder if it means that he still loves you and makes him question whether or not he should try again with you. But, unfortunately, if that is the only driving factor behind it, it may not work if you get back together. My H is bothered by my relationships as well. He still thinks about them and in a way holds them against me even though he abandoned us and demanded a D.
Anxiety attacks. Now there is something else I can relate to. I still get them. Xanax is my best friend sometimes. Are you on any medications for it? For me, all these things came back because it was easy to forgive H's affair when he wasn't a part of my life. Now that he is back, it is in my face and it is hard to deal with. I know how bothersome anxiety and panic can be. Have you tried relaxation?
Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what is right for you. Search deep down, through the fog and confusion, and try to see what your heart and your instinct is telling you. Don't be a pushover like me. Be strong and do what's best for you, whatever it may be.
Sorry this is all over the place. Just woke up. LOL. I hope you continue to post. I'm not sure if I help or not, but I know I will sure as h$ell try.
~StrongEnough
-------------------- "I'll chain you to the truth, for the truth shall set you free I'll turn the screws of vengeance and bury you with honesty"~ Lamb Of God
Reged: 01/13/06 Posts: 109 Loc: Somewhere between insane and totally flippin' crazy! Re: back again...... [Re: StrongEnough] #1063410 - 01/23/06 06:54 AM Edit Reply Quote
Oops....one more thing I wanted to add.
Toward the end of our seperation, H and I were like best friends. We talked about or woes and our joys. We talked and laughed like we never throughout our M. We were closer then then we had been in many years. Once we got back together, it was very hard to keep that closeness. It all changed.
I am not trying to push you to not getting back together, and you may never face this issue, but I thought I would throw it out there. I post under piecing, so if you want to check out my thread, you will see some of the struggles I face. I also think you should read a lot of the posts in piecing, not all stories are like mine. It will give you an idea of what you face and what you could lose or gain.
Hope this helps.
~StrongEnough
-------------------- "I'll chain you to the truth, for the truth shall set you free I'll turn the screws of vengeance and bury you with honesty"~ Lamb Of God
Re: back again...... [Re: StrongEnough] #1065253 - 01/25/06 03:38 AM Edit Reply Quote
Hi
thanks for you posting, it does really help. I have had a look at your own thread as well. Boy, you have been through it to. My BF saw a text to my H yesterday so it all came to a bit if a head. We had a long chat and he was upset as he no knows I still have feelings for my H. I think this relationship is coming to an end.... Have spoke to me H quite a bit this week. Whenever the conversation is about us and getting back together he always seems to go back to the same thing, which is how he is going to be able to deal with his jealous emotions. I dont know what to say to him.... at end of day its only the same for me....i keep thinking to myself well if he really wanted to get back with me that much, surely he would tackle his jealous feelings rather than brushing under the carpet which he is doing at the moment... Really difficult to know what to do best from here.. I think I need to carry on DBing and leave my H to sort his own issues out. What do you think??
Post Extras: Bowtech Member
Reged: 11/07/05 Posts: 427
Re: back again...... [Re: c1t] #1065279 - 01/25/06 05:58 AM Edit Reply Quote
c1t If your marraige is really important to you, you already know what to do. Ask god for forgiveness and repent for your actions. God hates separation and divorce.
-------------------- GOD WILL WORK IT OUT 500 Sit ups a day - Always Agree 95% Nonverbal - 5% Verbal - Live Happy Be Confident - You have too much to lose s SON
Post Extras: c1t Member
Reged: 08/23/04 Posts: 46
Re: back again...... [Re: Bowtech] #1066133 - 01/26/06 07:21 AM Edit Reply Quote
Thanks,
I do think I am going to have to find courage to end things with my BF. I am finding it increasingly hard to spend time with him and even be nice to him whilst I have so many things going on in my head with my H. my BF did me the world of good when I met him 8 months ago, he gave me the opportunity to pick myself up and basically get a life again. I just feel really bad now that I want to end it... But I cannot go on the way things are at the moment. I know I want to be with my H and becuase I know that I just feel like my feelings for my BF are slipping away every day
