ok, this is the story from yesterday that I had to process. I'm going to leave out the long parts and go to the main points.
SO,
Yesterday morning I go to W 's 'new' office space to help her hang up a mirror and some other things. She's appreciative and I tell her how excited I am about her steps she's taking. She says with a smile "I know, you're my biggest fan".
We both go home to get some lunch. IN the kitchen I open the fridge and have a thought, I start to laugh.
She asks what am I laughing about.
After telling her I didn't want to say, she prods me and I say: "Well, I was just thinking how we have an hour before we bothe have to go place and it would be enough time for a 'quickie'". Kinda dumb but it's an old thought. Sorry.
W: Well, uh, I was thinking the same thing. It's crazy because we shouldn't think like that, we're getting divorced. (basically we have the same conversation we had the other day after the 'hug') She says how could I want her after she's slept with someone else, and if we did anything it would be 'physical only' and I might get the idea that we're getting back together - but that we are not...
After about 10 minutes she is adamant that she will need to bring this 'issue' up in therapy on thursday.
Me: Well, I've told you what I think, I'm going upstairs and if you want me, that's where you'll find me.
I went upstairs to our room. She came upstairs. She says "Frank we can't do this. It's crazy". "Not on THIS bed (our bed)" so I say, 'why not it's the best one in the house.' and she says, yeah I sure miss sleeping on it, it's so comfortable.
Then she says: "I must be crazy" and takes off her clothes. The rest is very weird. Passionate but with some emotional distance. She cried several times. She didn't say why but didn't want to stop either. It was very satisfying for both of us.
We layed there next to each other, I put an arm over her but she didn't respond except to allow it. After an awkward 'thanks' we got dressed and went to make our lunch. Made lunch, and was starting to eat it and she says: "You want to go again?" I say "I'm ready, lets go!" so we go again for about 15 minutes.
We get dressed and after a lot of nervous laughing, we both really have to go to meetings so we finish our lunches and take off.
Whoa.
I come home later, dinnertime, and I'm expecting a distant, embarrassed person to come home to.
She's nice, polite. She and I sit down to dinner together. She looks at me with this big grin on her face and says "Please don't tell anybody about this, my friends already think I'm weird for living with you still". I say "who am I going go tell? And I don't need the complexities."
I had seen our counselor that afternoon (good timing!) and she had some good things to say, but mostly she say 'W is really got a hard road ahead of her, she needs to learn on her own that being independent doesn't have to mean leaving a marriage, and that your old marriage is OVER, it will NEVER come back. Everything from now on is NEW and will be different"
Anyway, I tell W that C said that what we did was fine, she said it's really great when a couple who is going through an amicable divorce allows themselves the freedom to comfort each other. Like the foot rubs and hugs. This is just more fun! And we understand our boundaries. (W sees C tomorrow)
W says ok. She says "I don't know what it is I have unleashed here". We kind of talk about odd things, she is smiling, happy, in a way that I haven't seen in sooooo long. I do my best to keep 'cool'.
She gets up, goes into the kitchen, comes back. We have some musing playing and she starts to move and sway to the music in a very sexy way, maintaining eye contact with me and smiling a devilish smile. She does some other things too and I tell her 'hey, it's not fair to be a tease when I can't do anything about it!'
She says with a smile, 'Aww, isn't that too bad' and keeps doing even more provacative moves.
I just sit and enjoy it. And build up a high level of frustration.
She stops, we have to clean up after dinner and while we are I grab her butt, she says 'hey who told you you could do that!' and I say "I did".
Well, we have to go to do different things so I don't see her till around 9 pm, D10's bedtime. D10 is having a hard time with school so W ends up taking with her till 10:30. She comes and sits with me and we talk about D10 till 11, I can see she's tired and I say 'we should go to bed'. So we go to our respective rooms and that's it for the nite. I did offer her half my bed but she said no thanks.
This morning she very nicely tells me about a small mess I had made on the counter last nite, filled with lot's of 'you probably didn't notice' and other 'forgiving' statements. That was good. I end up taking D10 to school because she is still in her bad emotional place and whenI take her she lifts her spirits.
I come back to the house, and I see her working on a sewing project for Girl Scouts. I pass her a few times in the next hour and finally I stop and I say with a smile: "I really hate you. I feel like I'm 12 years old and my body wants you and I can't stop thinking about it".
She say's (in a neutral voice) well we're just starting to learn ho wwe can be a 'comfort' to each other so you shouldn't expect anything (or something like that). She has to go answer the door and as she's walking I ask her 'what do you mean?' she says 'I mean you shouldn't expect any promises'.
So, I'm a little weirded out over all this. Also, I'm a little scared I came across as 'needy' when she was 'busy' and not thinking about 'her needs'. And it's 'her needs' that matter - to her. She needs to control this situation, she's getting divorced.
I felt a little bad then thought I really should have detached this morning and set myself to have zero expectations. I'm sure I didn't 'mess it up' but it didn't help either. Once again, got my hopes up and forgot that when you do that, you have to expect withdrawal from WAS.
Well, that's my story. I cannot begin to say how totally totally confused I am, and I'm sure she is too. But she continued to remind me that 'we are getting divorced'.
So, here I am. My cup is pretty much empty like I said the other day. I AM NEEDY but I can't show it. But for 1 hour in bed yesterday and also at dinnertime I felt really really good about life. Even though I couldn't say "I love you" I could show it. I'm not sure how she was really feeling but she was 'happy'. So was I.
