OK, I posted about W's lunch with her dad today. Now, the Sh*t hits the fan.
W calls me at about 5 pm and wants to know when I'm coming home. Why? Because she has D15 and her boyfriend here and she needs to go grocery shopping and doesn't want to leave them home alone with just D10. I say 'ok' D10 will be there so they won't 'do anything'. She comes back with some bogus reason why that won't work and says she'll staty there till I get home at 6.
Something doesn't feel right. So I tell her 'no problem I'm leaving right now, I'll be home in 15 minutes'. So I leave and I'm driving home. About 5 minutes from the house D15 calls me and says 'are you coming home Dad?' and I tell her I'm a few blocks away. SHe says 'well you better hurry, Mom's losing it!'. OK. So I get home in about 3 more minutes and go upstairs to the master bedroom (my room) and D15 catches me at the door and says "You do NOT want to go in there, I thinks she has PMS or something because she has been trying to do things then suddenly crying all over.
So, I go into the bedroom, then the master bath where she is cleaning the sinks. I let her know I'm home and she looks like she is crying and needs to be left alone, so I do.
A couple minutes later I come back and tell her she doesn't have to clean the bathroom. She reminds me that she had offered to clean it to make up for the fact that she can't afford to pay the utilites for our house. So I say it's not necessary and she goes off the deep end!
She is crying and hard to understand as she says stuff like :
W: Well it's all I'm good at. It's the only way I can make up for living here since I DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY. I'm just living off you. If I didn't have you I'd probbably be homeless!
She sits down on the bathroom floor and puts her head in her arms and starts to cry hard. She says:
W: The only reason I have this business is because I can live off you while I start it up. And I've hurt you so bad, I don't know why you are doing this for me.
So I say "You would have moved out, worked hard for a couple years and saved enough money to start the business that you are starting now. All I did was make it so you don't have to wait 2 years, you can do it now instead. No big deal on my part because it's not like I'm putting any money or time into it - you are. It's all you, I have nothing to do with this.
I said: And, Did you INTEND to hurt me, or did it just work out that way? She says "I didn't mean to hurt anybody I'm just trying to make my life my own."
So, I sit on the floor across from her and I say: Lorri, I FORGIVE you. I let go of the past and forgive you.
She cries again. Then she goes on to tell me how afraid she is to go to her new 'office' because she doesn't know people there and she's made a big mistake because it's not going to work, and on and on...
And, she says, "I'm so needy right now and I don't want to be!" How am I ever going to be independent if I'm needy? I'll never be able to be in a relationship with anyone ever.
So, I say "You aren't NEEDY you are IN NEED OF SUPPORT" Big difference. "Needy' means you want someone to do it FOR you". "I'll support you because I have faith in your success" I'll be your friend and listen to your complaints. I'll always be there for you. Because I Love You. I always will.
The conversation goes in many directions, but for the most part she is feeling like a loser, has no self esteem, I think her Dad said something about moving out if she really wanted 'independence' and learn about the cold hard world. What an ass he is.
We talk more during dinner, just she and I. She is wondering if I can come tomorrow and help her hang up a heavy mirror. she asks me if that us being 'needy' and I said 'no, that's asking a friend for help'.
We decided to go grocery shopping together which is a sort of quality time event with her,. While were shopping, at one point she breaks into tears and says that she should have stayed just a mom since she can do this 'right'.
So, I point out her career as a series of steps. When I met her she was a preschool teacher mostly working with 2 year olds. Then we got married and she was a stay at home mom till about 6 years ago when she learned her massage techniques. Each a step that came with changes and each time she grew and was ok.
So she calms down, we go home, one of the topics at dinner is how she's lonely, I'm lonely, how can we reach out to each other a little and have some 'human contact'. So I suggest rubbing her feet with lotion at nite while we watch TV. She likes that, I like to do it. She mentions that she has a lot of bad memories wtching tv while I was drinking and that maybe we could make some new memories.
I said we can do this kind of stuff after the kids go to bed so they "Don't get the wrong ideas about us".
Later we sit to watch TV and I lotion up one foot and massage for about 20 minutes, then the other one. She is very happy. Then she sits up and says 'maybe you could rub my hair for me?". So she lies with her head on my lap, and I spend about 20 minutes stroking her hair and scalp. This is too much to believe.
Eventually the show we are watching ends, and it's 11pm so we decide to go to bed. I tell her 'I hope you sleep much better tonite'. She gets her head off my lap and I go into the kitchen while she goes into the bathroom. I decide that before she comes out of the bathroom I am going to go to my room, so I can be detached and slightly indifferent to what we have just done. She walks by the stairs and calls up to me and says 'good nite frank'.
And here I am writing this now. I am not exactly sure where her boundaries have just moved to. I do think I need to stay calm, detached but in the moment too.
Oh, and her femal friend who has been giving me massages apparenlty called to talk to her about something and had "Lot's to say about me". That was interesting, she would have told W how impressive my growth has been. Good timing. This is geting crazier
