Yes, Frank, I wish that the "with admiration for your hard work (and love")statement had come - may STILL come - from your W, too.

I, too (as I'm sure every LBS has on this site) have asked myself "why me? why am I the one who has to try to hold this thing together?" I really didn't have to ask myself for long because inside I know and always have known that between me and my H, I AM the strong one emotionally as you are with your W...even with depression and alcohol in the recent past. WE DO have the capability of showing our spouses unconditional love, something neither your W or my H understand like we do. For my part, this is only because I just have had the life experiences that have taught me what unconditional love is and its power whereas my H has not. It sounds from your personal history that this is true for you also.

I did read all of your threads. I recall in several, you described your W's bad relationship with her parents, especially her father. Without falling into TOO much psycho-babble ( ), I would venture to guess that this has affected her understanding of love and relationship ENORMOUSLY. I imagine also that the young bride of 21 looked up to her strong, capable, older H and somewhere inside imagined that he would always protect her, besides love her always. So...when things got difficult and she was 'called upon' to keep the family together, I imagine that she felt both incapable and angry that she had to do a 'job' she had not signed up for. Add to that her 30's wake-up (truly, I think that women have their MLC more often in their 30's!) in which she began to believe she never had a life, never got to do what she wanted, blah, blah...and who's fault was that? Guess you're it! I know this is a totally simplistic explanation, but I do think that somewhere in that 30-something W's body is a hurt, damaged kid who is ruling the roost right now! Your teenager analogy...

She need to get to work on that damaged kid asap! This, unfortunately takes time....sigh...sigh again. I hope she sticks with the C! In the meantime, such stupid, hurtful choices are being made! Your responses, however, seem like the best ones possible you can make given the situation. You can't 'make' things happen, but you certainly are creating the conditions that have the greatest probability of working out for you, especially given your list of reasons for D that are quickly becoming smaller and smaller.
That is, indeed, reason for (quiet) celebration.

Love,
Kaly