Quote: My man, I'm curious; why did you not do her? I mean you love her, you want her, and she wuz primed! What's the deal? .....inquiring minds want 2 know. .....The fact was that she was still physically attracted to me. And this knowledge boosted my confidence. Besides, we built on those "exclusively" physical (yeah right!) interactions. ....The fact is that your W expressed to you that she wanted you!
Good questions.
I did not 'do her' because she did not 'offer'. She was in a state of 'what am I feeling and is this ok to feel?'. I don't think you've been keeping up with current events but W BARELY ever touchs me, in the form of a hug or anything. For her to even SAY she felt this way after a nice, close hug was an amazing thing. 'Jumping' into bed is not going to happen after one conversation. Plus, it was the late afternoon, kids and their friends were around, even in the 'old days' we wouldn't 'do it' then.
It was an ego boost for me that she even THOUGHT about it. It kind of connected the previous nites 'flirting and withdrawal' to her mixed up feelings of 'lust'. I never would have expected it given the last few days of her attitude. Plus her comment of 'after all we've been through' is directly related to her thinking I don't find her attractive because of her affair (which I am suspecting is fading out). The other day I pretty much told her I would never trust her emotionally again. She also is processing "can I have sex with him, but still get divorced, and not get emotional?"
Now later that evening when I was in my room sitting on the bed reading a book she 'had to' come in to 'look for' some things in the bathroom for her Girl Scout day trip today. Yeah, it was a valid reason and some stuff she needed was in my (our) bathroom but she did linger and talk to me. Of course I smiled and did my best to be seductive just to irk her. She made some comments like 'oh, it's cold in here just the way you like it' and I said 'I could close the window warm it up.' and she said 'I'm sure you could!'. She also said that the bathroom sink needed to be cleaned and I mentioned 'hey, at least my sheets are clean so my bed doesn't smell bad'. By the way I had just made the bed and it was immaculate instead of the usual mess.
This was very different behavior. She comes in the master bedroom every day pretty much for some reason, she still has a lot of her clothes in her closet. But she usually doesn't come in when I AM IN HERE. And she never makes any comments about the room temperature, the bathroom or anything else. In fact she doesn't talk about anything except kid related stuff.
When I did talk to her earlier about this 'topic' I left it open ended by saying 'If you change your mind you know where I live' and walked away. I am NOT pursuing HER. In fact I THINK I gave the impression that I will 'do her' but only if SHE comes to ME because she wants it. I don't NEED her sexually but I'd like it. And the comments I made later in my room were 'naughty boy' comments which she did't get angry about but responded to. This morning I got up and saw her just before she and D10 were leaving. I was in my short shorts and a sweatshirt and talked for about 5 minutes about their day then she left. I did't linger of even act like I had any desire for her.
Most books I have on relationships (and many other people on the board have) talk about how 'anticipation' and men who are 'confident' are turn ons. They like to chase and be challenged by a man. If she thinks she COULD have me but I don't care either way well, then she's got to be thinking about it in a more serious way.
Months ago my Counselor said something like this might happen and I haven't believed her. I still think that W will talk to her girlfriends who 'support' her and they will talk her out of doing anything. Especially her B*tch one who has no relationship and no chance of one and doesn't like me at all. Either way she has to reconcile in her mind whether or not it would be 'ok' to do anything. What would she 'feel'? Would it be awkward? Is it 'just sex'?
I know that my actions are to be somewhat indifferent but now she has given me 'permission' to be seductive and get away with it. That's new and I'll take advantage of it until she withdraws again.
Like you said, and women will agree with, sex isn't just 'physical' with women. It carries a lot of emotions and it would be too much to hope for with her because it could be an opening to changing the dynamics of this mess we're in.
But, she needs to initiate it or I will be perceived as pursuing her. She hasn't done that yet, she has just RECOGNIZED the feelings of lust. I'll do whatever little actions I can to build up some 'anticipation' for her and hope for the best but also still keep my distance and detachment.
