ok, W is at home this afternoon. She's been at her new 'work space' at the spa that she's renting to hopefully start up her business. She's a little stressed out because she is seeing that to do it right, she needs a lot more stuff for decor and just to make it a good massage room. She's pretty much cleaned out the room in our house but needs more.
Sooooo, she is looking way stressed. I'm a bit stressed from my day, I had some issues with client servers and I've been interruped all day with no breaks.
So, I say to her 'Hey, you look like you could use a hug, I know I could use one!'. She says "Sure, why not, come on over here". So I walk over to her and put my arms around her and hug her, she hugs me. We kind of just breath, I am letting myself take it all in and let the tension go because I really need to.
It felt good to hold her and be held. Really good. But it had to end. So I said 'thanks, I needed that' and I was walking away and she starts to chuckle to herself. I ask her 'what are you laughing at?' She still is laughing and says 'You don't want to know, you really don't". She seems very uncomfortable now. But of course now I want to KNOW so I badger her. She starts to get more serious and says "I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to hurt your feelings".
So, I figure that she's probably thinking about how fate has dealt her a bad hand and OM is far away and she can't get any 'release' because of that. She said something to that effect a week or so ago if you've read my posts. "I ain't gettin any" she said. You know what I mean. So I put up my best tough guy attitude and say 'No, now I HAVE to know because it's going to bug me otherwise so tell me'.
W says: Well, didn't you feel 'something' during that hug we just had?
Me: Yeah, I felt a lot better, it was nice to just be held for a minute, let go of the world...
W: No, I mean didn't you feel 'something else'?
Me: Oh, you mean more than just two people sharing a moment? Did I put too much of my emotional need into it? I didn't mean to cross your boundaries...
W: No, it was me, I was feeling like I really needed, you know, physical release. My body NEEDS that and I was feeling like 'gee we've been together 20 years and here we are...'
Me: (I am totally unsure of what to say next) : Ah, I see what you mean. I've been feeling that too. It's hard enough (no pun) being around you, you're such a good looking babe! Sorry if I did anything to cross your boundaries.
W: Well, it's just so weird to be here together and be getting divorced and having these feelings. I know it's just physical but it sucks.
Me: (grasping ast straws) Well I read a lot online in the divorce forums that it's not uncommon for people who are in an 'amicable' divorce situation to sleep together sometimes. I guess they know they are safe with each other - they know each other (boy am I laying it on).
W: People already think we are the weirdest divorcing couple they've ever seen. We live together, we go out together, we get along in public. We're bizarre.
Me: Well, yeah. Have we ever been like everyone else? nooo. I've been having these weird feelings the past few days too. I'm trying hard to respect your boundaries...
W: I don't know. After all we've been through, you think you would want to? We'd just be using each other to get off. But my body sure needs it and it would relieve my tension.
Me: I'm in a place right now where I'm not angry about the past any more, I'm moving forward and I wouldn't see it as 'using each other', we still have feelings and it could be very pleasant to feel cared for.
W: Well, this is too bizarre. I can't believe I have these feelings.
Me: Well, I still think you're a good looking babe, so if you change your mind you know where I live!
Then I smiled and left the room.
Hey, at least I know I'm still attractive to a woman! That's a plus and good for my self esteem. And, it did feel 'good' to hold her. A little too good....
I'm sure I will pay for this. She's gone now to do some massages tonite so I will have to take a cold shower.
