I responded to your last post but I guess it went into some post black hole. So... I'll start again and also respond from my point of view to your new question.
First of all, it's really great to hear that you are going to the retreat. It really sounds as though you need to recentre yourself and I do hope this will be of help to you. It seems like you have been exhausting yourself in trying to make things happen in your R. I'm sure you are right that detaching from your need to do so will take some pressure off.
As for your wife's behavior, it sounds like she is confused. It sounds like she misses you and the love and comfort of the old relationship (slipping into "sweetheart"?), and is afraid you want a D while she wants it one day (to get away from the difficulty of past difficulties in R and self?) and not the next (has begun to see the man she loved). Maybe she is as afraid as you are to end up in the same sitch in your R if she tries again. Maybe she feels guilty about what she did and inside, assumes there is no hope. Has she ever SAID she wanted a D or does she say "maybe we should get one" or "I've been looking into a D" besides saying "when should we get a D"? That sounds like someone who is fishing to find out how you feel about it, trying to get your reaction. If she really WANTED a D, she would SAY she wanted a D. This is not to give you false hope. I just find it hard to imagine that she feels nothing for you given the way you are describing her behavior. I would also say (from the standpoint of being a recovering passive and dependent type) that her "dance" around you shows a fear of rejection about your response to her. Are you often feeling angry around her? if so, she may sense this and retreat. Perhpas you are a powerful personality in your household and neither of you have found a way yet to communicate without bringing up your competing needs; she may just being ultra cautious, too, trying not to get hurt.
This is all speculation, Frank. I hope other people (women especially) will put in their own 2 cents, as well. It would be good to think about this sitch a bit more.
