Well, the afternoon / evening has been 'coordial' I guess. W has been ok to be with, somewhat neutral to a little joking at times. She needed some help with computer stuff and asked me, and sat with me while I did some things for her. It's kind of like knowing someone you don't really feel totally comfortable around but you're doing your best.
She doesn't back off if we touch, and I get a sense that she's just trying to see if she can feel 'ok' around me, joke a little and still be divorced, single, not married, whatever. She's in a 'cautious' emotional state. I think I let myself get a little too close to her last nite and a bit today.
I was talking to a friend tonite, wondering where the 'love' goes when they leave the marriage. It's in there somewhere, but it's not going to return because we WANT it to. Only when we don't want it to will it be possible. So, I need to stay the course for my life and continue to be detached. Got too hopeful today and that is not the place to be right now. Take care of ME.
D10 is having major problems at school. W was talking about holding her back a grade because she is 'too young', her birthday is in september so she's younger than most kids in her grade. A quitters mentality, I don't accept that any more, she is MY daughter and I know she has that inner strength, she just needs to discover it. The real issue as I see it is her self esteem is damaged because she has a teacher who expects students to be very organized at that age, and she just isn't doing it very well and he gives NO slack to anyone. She misses homework because she forgets to bring books home or forgets she has assignments. So she get's extra assignments to 'make up points' and she ends up not getting much free time because of this.
As I see it, she has one man in her life (teacher) who is setting too high expectations for her, and she needs help. So, I'm going to take her to school and pick her up all next week, and make sure we don't forget books and other materials she needs so she stays caught up. She needs to be lifted back up emotionally, and as the most important man in her life I need to help her to do that. She needs me, and I'm HERE, not lost any more. I'll give her some of my strength.
On another note, sometimes I stop and think about how great it would be just to sit on the couch with W, next to each other and just have that loving human contact, of just being together. Not even a hug, just leaning on each other, just touching would be enough for me. It would feel so good. She hasn't had that for a couple months either, I wonder if she ever thinks of that when she's sitting alone at nite, like she is right now, watching TV. I wonder if she thinks of me that way? She doesn't seem to be lonely but she's only got a distant OM to hold on to, and I'm here, and I'm real.
