Had couples counseling. Remember that the stated purpose of these meetings are to work out issues with kids, us, etc...
While we were waiting in the waiting room, W was talkative and 'up'. Then she says to me, in a very matter-of-fact voice:
W: When do you think we should file?
I am surprised
Me: That's YOUR thing, not mine. You do what you feel you need to do when you need it to happen. W: I thought YOU wanted a divorce too? You said the other day that you thought we should be divorced and that you could never trust me with your heart again?
Right then counselor came to call us in to session.
So, in the session W tells C and I that D15 has been talking to her about sex, and her boyfriend and what she thinks she should or should not do. Anyway we spend a lot of the session on that topic as W says that it what has been bothering her so much the past couple days. I had no idea of course.
We do talk about the comments she made about her grandmother and stuff last nite. C does help her to see that it's all about choices that you make in a marriage, and in relationships. Overall some good points are made by C that everything is a choice. Also, she gets W to talk about what kind of example are we setting for D15 as far as 'marriage' goes but W kind of avoids any possible negativity other than 'we are showing her that she should choose better when she does get married, don't lose herself in a relationship'. C does a good job expanding on 'losing yourself' theme.
W shows almost no upset when discussing 'filing', says she bought a book about divorcing and hasn't had time to read it yet. We do end up deciding it's not a rush, as she has enough problems starting up her business right now. I explain that I wanted a 'divorce' from the old marriage and that I said I didn't trust her with my heart partly because she had hurt me and I wanted to hurt her. C makes some points about how part of being in this 'new' relationship as parents, divorcees, whatever, is being honest about feelings and stuff and that we are developing a totally new way of communicating with each other. C says that often couples learn to communicate BETTER after they separate than they did in the marriage.
I get a chance to say my part, which is that I do not NEED her any more. I talk a little about how much I did not like that she NEEDED me so much. She's pretty calm, neutral. I think she can see that I really am ok without her which is an issue that C said needed to be brought to the front. I don't get any feeling from W one way or the other, she's pretty calm. I DO take a moment to say to W that I recognize the woman she is becoming, that I see real strength and determination and that I have a hard time with that because I actually find it attractive. I told her I have a lot of respect for her, and that in a weird way I would like to get to know her better.
I pointed out that W actually GAVE ME A MASSAGE today. She had a client cancel and she was 'all set up' she said, offered D15 one and when D15 said no, she asked ME. I was shocked and accepted. And unlike months ago where I would be shut down or 'distant' I allowed her to make a connection to me and she said she could feel it. She said that she treated me like a client, instead of thinking she had to 'fix' me or worry about me in any way and she felt a lot better. It was excellent of course but I was wanting more. Sigh. But W DID feel emotionally connected then.
C does say to W that she needs to understand that I am not as 'advanced' in this 'journey' as W is because I've had to deal with the hurt, while she has been doing what she wants for herself for the past 3 months. Working towards independence, divorce, whatever. I have been dealing with finacials, kids emotions and all that stuff and I am just now 'catching up' in my emotional place and taking time to actually take care of myself now.
On the drive home we talked more about getting to know each other again, and I think she was a little annoyed because I really couldn't explain what I wanted to be different. I did say that I felt that after the massage today I was willing to be more vulnerable with her instead of protecting myself like I have been. She said that it seems like things are changing between us right now and we'll just see what happens.
And this was odd, she said that she noticed I 'drive differently' now. She said I was more conscientious. I told her I'm that way with HER because I know that she likes to feel safe with me and I wasn't very respectful of that before. She said she has noticed several times while driving with me, especially on the Kayaking trip with the high winds and stuff.
Another odd thing is her girlfriend is coming to visit the weekend I am away (Feb 11th) and W said that she was looking forward to sleeping in my (our) bed since I'll be gone and she's been sleeping on a fold out bed for the past 3 months. She didn't 'ask' she just said "I'm gonna" and laughed. That was surprising.
So, what I got today was that she is moving forward with her life as a single woman, but recognizes that she still depends on me for financial support until she can get her business off the ground. She's happy with her direction now, she is comfortable with the idea of getting divorced and is ready to be proactive. She sees a lot of change in me and we both see that we are different now. And, we're wiping the slate clean and not holding sins of the past over our heads. That in our living situation it's OK for her or me to ask for what we want, if we need support, a hug or anything like that.
I can't even describe this in any way that makes sense any more. Divorced but not, friends but not, emotional support but not, changed but still the same. Getting to know the 'new' each other but keeping our distance. She still talks to me with a tone of voice like I'm just 'a guy', 'Frank this' and Frank that'. I miss the 'sweetie' days. She is comfortable with divorcing me. It's what she wants to get her 'freedom' to be who she wants to be.
I guess I still will 'detach' but when I am present, be more 'me' and less 'protected me'. I don't know if the detaching of the past few days made a difference or not. It hurts a little tonite, I guess I was hoping for a shift but it hasn't happened. If anything it's just moved forward. But I know I'll be OK with or without her. Gotta stop getting my hopes up like I do after I see her upset, and think she is reconsidering her decisions. She isn't.
