I wasn't going to post tonite, actually I had been planning on going silent for a while but I wanted to share some thoughts that I TRIED to talk to Spitfire about but kept getting defocused so I couldn't be clear. (Sorry!)
First off, When looking in W's room for a book she asked me to find I noticed she had a 'How to prepare for divorce' book, with advice on financial planning and filing and stuff. It even comes with a CD of various legal forms! Pretty Cool! Must be a recent purchase, didn't look like it had been looked at yet. Can't help but think that when her B*tch friend came over the weekend she brought it as a 'gift', to help her out of course. Or someone suggested she get it, you know, to 'prepare'. She just isn't they type to think of this on her own. But then I never thought she'd have an OM either... Will wonders never cease?
Anyway, I saw Counselor today. For the most part I was in the mood of 'this has to end' meaning my constant 'reaction' to her 'actions'. I have to disconnect.
We talked again about how when I was 'down' the past few years that she didn't help. I then started to realize that she didn't 'help' because she was a 'taker' like everyone else around me had been. She got much of her self worth from me, and had nothing to give me back when I was running on empty. In fact, she was a drain on me and was pulling me down when I needed to be pulled up. More clarity as to the WHY and HOW of getting where I was.
Getting back to 'disconnecting', it is abundantly clear that me not detaching or disconnecting is holding ME back. My feelings of being tired of fighting are all because I have spent the past 3 months holding us all together, and W has been taking from me STILL. It's time to stop, and give to me now. C says that I MUST detach because I'm still giving W the energy and support she needs while she lives in La La land. And it's draining ME. It has to stop because I can't move forward till it does.
In W's mind, she believes she is totally detached from me. She's getting divorced because 'the grass is greener out there' and she thinks and feels I 'need' her. Until she truly believes I am no longer dependent on her for anything and no longer PROTECTING her from anything she will have a warped view of life, because she can live in La La land but still have 'security'. Both financial and emotional, all the while pretending that I NEED HER and she doesn't NEED ME.
W's journey is part learning how to support herself, part being a woman and being a sexual being. She is very lost and confused because she didn't grow up I guess. Anyway, C feels that she is going to have to get really hurt 'out there' before she has an appreciation for what we had, and how she failed to protect it. To protect us.
C made some comments on W's attitude after the fight last week. W admitted that she said some things that were wrong to me. C told her she needs to stop dragging the past into our discussions, we need to start with a clean slate. W indicated to C that she was starting to 'question' OM's motivation for wanting to move, but only a little...
We have a couples session Thursday and C and I have agreed to drive the conversation towards ME verbalizing MY desire for her to be OUT of my life. That I do not want to help her, take care of her, protect her or anything else. The goal being that by me saying (actually agreeing to whatever C thinks should be said) what I want to do with my life WITHOUT W, it will help ME to disconnect by verbalizing, and it will force HER to see that I HAVE disconnected, that she does NOT have that 'security' she thinks she has. That she HAS HURT ME in ways that are nothing close to how she says I hurt her. She just doesn't get it because I have kept it inside. All our sessions have been about how hurt she is, how bad her life was, how awful I was, blah blah blah. It's time to balance out the story.
Then as we live together under the new 'environment' it will free me to move forward without having to 'hold everyone together'. It will change the dynamics of our interactions as she will have to realize that she doesn't have me anymore. And, she doesn't. I don't want to take care of her any more. I need a break. Everyone in the family is in a stable place now so I can stop giving and step back a bit and just give to me.
I can't believe what I've been through the past 3 months. It seems like years. The kids hurting, the fighting between D15 and W (acting 17). The total hurt and sadness of D10. W pursuing OM, then losing OM and hurting, then pursuing OM again. And me not being able to show my pain to any of them so they could all feel safe, Dad's here, he's strong, we'll all be ok. While Dads crying in his room every nite alone wondering how he'll get throught tomorrow, not drinking, still in depression. Oh Boy! Especially dealing with W, while all the things she did were hurting me I was still there for her. I wonder if she'll ever understand?
So, Thursday will be our day of reckoning, of restoring balance to the 'relationship'. Thursday will be the day she learns that she has also lost me. True detachment. C says by doing this we can also compress the time it will take for her to grow up.
The thing is, I feel ok about it. I've had enough and I KNOW that I am not just back 'in the world' but I 'am the world'. It is within each of us, we are our world. I really have no idea if she and I will ever have a marriage together. I'd like to if it's possible, but I won't die if it doesn't happen. There actually are women in the world who would like to meet me some day. Many of them took better care of their bodies than W did too...
Before I met W I had dated a girl named Pamela for about a year. She graduated from college and we went to europe with her friends for a month that summer (1985). When we got back she moved to Ohio (I lived in NY). I flew to see here eery few weeks but eventually she had to let me go because it was too lonely without me and I wasn't ready to commit yet. She wasn't mean or anything when she broke it off with me but it took a couple years for me to get over her. Of all the girls I knew, she was really hard to let go. I never realized why until lately. It was because she didn't need me. Pamela didn't need ANYBODY. She loved me dearly, but she didn't need me. She knew who she was, and she would lead as easily as she would follow my lead. That was powerful stuff.
Maybe W will learn this lesson. In spite of all of this, I still see in my dreams she and I together, because I think we are much more together than we are apart. That dream doesn't go away no matter how much she hurts me. But it isn't going to happen until she learns to get what Pamela already had.
It's 11:00 PM and She just came in my room a moment ago while I was typing all this to tell me something funny about D10. She was smiling at me as she talked. I looked at her and I just saw a stranger. A stranger I didn't really like. I tried to smile, and did a little but I just couldn't. I just wanted her to leave. Go. I don't think she sensed how I felt, or maybe she did. She turned and left the room and said 'good nite'. I didn't say anything. I just didn't want to. She's downstairs watching TV. She only does that lately at nite when something is bothering her. Otherwise she usually reads.
So, I'm one step closer to the goal. I see it out there, it calls to me. It isn't to 'save my marriage'. It's something that is much more than that, and this is just the first step.
