This morning I went to our friend down the street for my monday massage. She is actually W's friend and was in Hawaii as a teacher at the retreat where W met OM. She also knows OM and thinks he is bad bad bad.
I told her about the fight with W, and other stuff. She mentioned how she and some of W's other massage friends are surprised she is still involved with OM, that she seems to be 'determined' to keep it going. I mentioned to her that it is an addiction to the 'in love' feeling, And that W says she deserves to be 'happy' and this makes her 'happy'.
Friend said we should separate so W can get the 'what is it really like to live without Frank' feeling. I told her Counselor said stay together, but detach so W can feel the 'no more emotional support' part but still see the 'growing and changing' part of Frank.
Friend is divorced for many years and her ex and her have a very amicable relationship. She told me a little about the divorce, and her life now, which I hadn't heard before.
She said it was pretty ugly, lots of hurt, lots of mistakes they made with each other. It took about 5 years before they were 'friends' again. They have a D who is now 15. She and D15 live in a house that Ex H owns and pays for. Whenever they need something her Ex will help them out. It's a pretty good relationship and seems to work for them.
She said, over the years she realized that Ex H really was the right man for her. The time apart and growing on her own helped her to see that it is very hard to find a 'good man', especially if you are a mom with a kid. Many men she dated bailed after they found out she had a young daughter.
She wishes she could tell W that the grass is NOT greener on the other side. She has been there. But W wouldn't listen right now even if she tried.
Her Ex is now married, and she's dating a guy she really cares for, but she says she wished they had worked it out after being apart, but it's too late.
She says there is a 'connection' between W and I through our children. You never lose that and it's much stronger than most people think. She says you love the father or mother of your children in a way that you can love no other person. Her opinion is that even though OM made his 'reappearance' in W's life recently and W reacted the way she did - all happy and 'in love' again, that deep down inside she MUST be thinking 'Is this really right? Is this guy for real?' She has to be questioning him, his motivations, his words. Especially since she sees and knows that Frank IS for real. She still doesn't think he'll come out here, even to visit. We'll see.
She has a lot of faith in W eventually realizing that together, we can be much more than we are apart. She never really knew me before the bomb 3 months ago, just thought I was a depressed drunk husband who would never change, who wouldn't help himself. That's all she ever heard from W at the Hawaii retreats. That's all anybody heard because she was so hurt and sad.
But now she knows me, the real me, and she says I'm more than just a guy 'straightening up' so he can get his wife back. Much more. A 'good man'. When she read the letter I sent W yesterday she said "This is love. This is from the heart of a man who knows how to give her love". I hope W felt that too. I think W didn't know what to feel.
Today W and D10 were both down with sore throats and flu like symptoms. I took care of the things W would normally do during the day so she could rest and for that she was grateful. Pick up D15, grocery shopping, etc. I don't think I did such a good job making myself scarce and detaching though.
Right now W is reading her e-mail. Probably lots of stuff related to Girl Scouts and stuff like that. Of course I think about OM and what useless messages he might send. He's not here taking care of her, I am. That's more thought than I need to spend on him right now.
W is going from neutral to warm today but at least she's not angry. It's a little harder to keep the 'I am divorcing her emotionally' attitude when she's warm. I have some more stuff to say, but I'll post this for now.
