If I wasn't already crying for my own reasons, I'd cry over that email. That was truly beautiful. I have been following what's going on with you and a sadness fills my heart. You have the courage of 10 men and I hope it sees you through this transition to a more peaceful place. Godspeed on getting there Frank, you deserve it, and I will indeed save time for a prayer for you tonight.
I've been reading your threads since I've found this site and am just amazed at your courage and willingness to grow -as well as your generosity with others. What an amazing thing that you are taking yet another step and reaching out, letting yourself receive as well as give. There are many, many people on this site who will respond to your request and pray for you and your wife...and I'm one of them.
An interesting thing came to my mind reading you last two posts. You said your wife was one of those persons who needed your energy to help pull them thru their journey. This can be a good thing if it is balanced in a relationship and a bad thing - for both - if not. I know as one who came together with my husband as the quiet, nurturing element balancing out his forceful forward-moving energies; we felt that we would carry each other far in this yin/yang state. After awhile, though, we were unable to maintain this balance. He was unable to take, only give and (forcefully) be a caretaker and I adapted, losing myself and becoming dependent on him, forgetting my need to take ultimate responsibility for myself. Inevitably, he became resentful of me. This is not to say this is your situation at all. It is only another example of how imbalances can eat away at a marriage and individuals both. By working with every fibre of your being to rebalance yourself and by reaching out, being willing to ask for what you need to receive, you are setting a formidible example for all of us here. May you receive 10-fold all that you are giving into the world, as you are in need at this time and we are with you.
You said your wife was one of those persons who needed your energy to help pull them thru their journey. This can be a good thing if it is balanced in a relationship and a bad thing - for both - if not. I know as one who came together with my husband as the quiet, nurturing element balancing out his forceful forward-moving energies; we felt that we would carry each other far in this yin/yang state. After awhile, though, we were unable to maintain this balance. He was unable to take, only give and (forcefully) be a caretaker and I adapted, losing myself and becoming dependent on him, forgetting my need to take ultimate responsibility for myself. Inevitably, he became resentful of me. This is not to say this is your situation at all.
This is so like us! She was the 'love and nurturing' and I was the 'stability and forward moving'. When I lost my power because I had given too much of me away, she had no way to bring it back. And besides being depressed and drinking I'd also become resentful of her for that, for her weakness. She says she wanted to leave for a few years but it wasn't until she found OM that she decided she had enough and life could be better for her somewhere else. She had no plan, no Idea how she would support herself, Just her desire to 'be happy' and she saw OM as a way to achieve that emotionally right now.
Quote: It is only another example of how imbalances can eat away at a marriage and individuals both. By working with every fibre of your being to rebalance yourself and by reaching out, being willing to ask for what you need to receive, you are setting a formidible example for all of us here. May you receive 10-fold all that you are giving into the world, as you are in need at this time and we are with you.
I am working hard to rebalance amidst all this hurt. It often freezes me and I can't do anything at all. A far cry from a guy who could visualize and construct complex computer networks in my sleep.
I'm so sorry that it came to the OM point...for both of you. If only we knew how spouses can help one another at the critical points along the way...before things come to a breaking point.
I think what you said about weakness brings up an interesting thought to my mind. That is, I wish we all respected and honored our own and others' 'weaknesses'. It is 'weakness' that allows us to let down our guard and let others in. It is 'weakness' that conquers pride, giving us the ability to both and receive true love and forgiveness by setting aside the power of the ego. It is 'weakness' that allows us to let go and let God/HP/Creator/Universe (however you see it). Strength is important...very important, but ironically, 'weakness' is a strength, too.
Perhaps you hated weakness in yourself as much as in your wife. I wish - just wish - that she would have found a way not to look for and external answer for herself. Going to another person is NOT the way to feel good about oneself, to find validation. This comes from the inside out ONLY. I can only hope that this will become clear to her in the future.
So...you are a good man regardless of your ability to 'fix' the situation. You are not being asked to do so...only to love yourself and let the revelations this produces bring you back to health. You are SO on your way!
My H said a funny thing to me before he left last week. He said "maybe I'll have to lose you to find you". This may be. I said I wish we could all keep from getting to the breaking point, but maybe sometimes we have to be broken to be put back together in a better way, we have to be lost in order to be found.
Quote: Perhaps you hated weakness in yourself as much as in your wife. I wish - just wish - that she would have found a way not to look for and external answer for herself. Going to another person is NOT the way to feel good about oneself, to find validation. This comes from the inside out ONLY. I can only hope that this will become clear to her in the future.
That was part of my problem. I despised myself for being so weak that I would be so easily overpowered by the sale of my company, and its subsequent psychological destruction. Then as I became more depressed and drank at nite, I despised myself MORE for not being 'able to quit'.
W knows that going ourside herself is not the way to validate. She has been seeing our counselor and KNOWS this from her own experiences in therapy, and in spirituality counseling. OM is a 'predator', a man of dark energy who saw a vulnerable woman and took emotional advantage of her. His life is a series of bad relationships - he was living with his girlfriend when he met W and dumped her using W as an excuse, even though we are 3,000 miles away. W was weak and wanted ANYTHING that was different than what we had at that time.
About a week ago W thought he was gone due to lack of or poor contact from him for a couple weeks and had a conversation with ME telling me she knew she needed to work on her self esteem and not get it from external sources, and she KNEW she had been getting it from him and that it was over (then). 2 days later he called her, and it was all rosy again. She forgot everything she had said.
So, she knows the problem is within herself but she is addicted to the feelings.
Quote: So...you are a good man regardless of your ability to 'fix' the situation. You are not being asked to do so...only to love yourself and let the revelations this produces bring you back to health. You are SO on your way!
Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to 'fix' this. She needs to figure it out on her own, and I need to rediscover my self.
So I have to let her go.
Quote: My H said a funny thing to me before he left last week. He said "maybe I'll have to lose you to find you". This may be. I said I wish we could all keep from getting to the breaking point, but maybe sometimes we have to be broken to be put back together in a better way, we have to be lost in order to be found.
I think you are right. It's a hard lesson but one that is sure to 'stick' when it's all done. Thanks for your kind support.
Some interesting events, and my W's response to the e-mail...
I went for a walk with my D10 today. She enjoyed talking and walking with me. Along the way I found a Dime on the sidewalk and picked it up and said to her 'now I'll have good luck!'. She said "You'll have 10 times the luck Dad!"
1/2 hour later, I went for another walk by myself. Went down a street I have never walked down in our extended neighborhood. I found a dime and picked it up! Hmmm.
About 10 minutes later I got a call on my cell from a guy who was from a mens retreat I had sent an e-mail for infomation on, that is the weekend of Feb 11. He was able to schedule me in even at this late time. Cool.
Got home and an hour or so later my D15 calls and says she and W want us all to go to this Mongolian Barbecue place we like for dinner. We've been going to this place since my W and I were dating and the waitresses know us there.
Dinner was good, we had a pleasant evening, talked a little and joked a little. Then the fortune cookies were brought out.
W carefully picked out the one that she wanted. It said: "Your loyalty will be rewarded". She kind of snorted at it as she read it out loud.
I picked one. It said: "You and your spouse will be happy in your life together". I did NOT read it out loud. I just said 'it says you will be happy'.
-----
Later, I was passing through the family room and W said "Thank you for what you said about me in the e-mail you sent". I said "Hey, you weren't supposed to reply to that E-Mail!". She said 'thank you anyway'.
I walked out of the room and then came back to get something. She was still there and I looked at her and said with a very sincere, quiet tone of voice: "You are very welcome. I meant what I said in that message". She looked at me and smiled. I turned and left the room.
Well, symbols of luck and fortune, messages and responses. We assign our own meaning to the events we experience.
I feel good. Still sad, but good. I realize it's because I made W feel good with no requirement that she do anything for me.
Now it's time to back off and let her go. And it's on a good note. That's always best.
Hey, off topic question, Do you know how to find an inexepensive one room office with shared privileges, like conference room, receptionist or stuff like that? I need to get out of my house office or I will go bonkers. I live in T.O. somewhere near you.
I really, really had good intentions writing what I did but now need to say...damn, but isn't letting go THE difficult part, THE moment of standing on the edge of the cliff hoping that when you jump, a safety net of some kind is waiting? We are all taking that HUGE leap of faith when we get to this point and I would never, ever want to dismiss or minimize the difficulty and pain of this particular point along the path, nor sink into platitudes or cliches. So...please know that when I (or others)say it's obivious you are truly trying to go from survival mode into 'walking the walk', I mean it and respect your courage, conviction, and humility (openess to learning new things about yourself IS humility, is it not?).
This morning I went to our friend down the street for my monday massage. She is actually W's friend and was in Hawaii as a teacher at the retreat where W met OM. She also knows OM and thinks he is bad bad bad.
I told her about the fight with W, and other stuff. She mentioned how she and some of W's other massage friends are surprised she is still involved with OM, that she seems to be 'determined' to keep it going. I mentioned to her that it is an addiction to the 'in love' feeling, And that W says she deserves to be 'happy' and this makes her 'happy'.
Friend said we should separate so W can get the 'what is it really like to live without Frank' feeling. I told her Counselor said stay together, but detach so W can feel the 'no more emotional support' part but still see the 'growing and changing' part of Frank.
Friend is divorced for many years and her ex and her have a very amicable relationship. She told me a little about the divorce, and her life now, which I hadn't heard before.
She said it was pretty ugly, lots of hurt, lots of mistakes they made with each other. It took about 5 years before they were 'friends' again. They have a D who is now 15. She and D15 live in a house that Ex H owns and pays for. Whenever they need something her Ex will help them out. It's a pretty good relationship and seems to work for them.
She said, over the years she realized that Ex H really was the right man for her. The time apart and growing on her own helped her to see that it is very hard to find a 'good man', especially if you are a mom with a kid. Many men she dated bailed after they found out she had a young daughter.
She wishes she could tell W that the grass is NOT greener on the other side. She has been there. But W wouldn't listen right now even if she tried.
Her Ex is now married, and she's dating a guy she really cares for, but she says she wished they had worked it out after being apart, but it's too late.
She says there is a 'connection' between W and I through our children. You never lose that and it's much stronger than most people think. She says you love the father or mother of your children in a way that you can love no other person. Her opinion is that even though OM made his 'reappearance' in W's life recently and W reacted the way she did - all happy and 'in love' again, that deep down inside she MUST be thinking 'Is this really right? Is this guy for real?' She has to be questioning him, his motivations, his words. Especially since she sees and knows that Frank IS for real. She still doesn't think he'll come out here, even to visit. We'll see.
She has a lot of faith in W eventually realizing that together, we can be much more than we are apart. She never really knew me before the bomb 3 months ago, just thought I was a depressed drunk husband who would never change, who wouldn't help himself. That's all she ever heard from W at the Hawaii retreats. That's all anybody heard because she was so hurt and sad.
But now she knows me, the real me, and she says I'm more than just a guy 'straightening up' so he can get his wife back. Much more. A 'good man'. When she read the letter I sent W yesterday she said "This is love. This is from the heart of a man who knows how to give her love". I hope W felt that too. I think W didn't know what to feel.
Today W and D10 were both down with sore throats and flu like symptoms. I took care of the things W would normally do during the day so she could rest and for that she was grateful. Pick up D15, grocery shopping, etc. I don't think I did such a good job making myself scarce and detaching though.
Right now W is reading her e-mail. Probably lots of stuff related to Girl Scouts and stuff like that. Of course I think about OM and what useless messages he might send. He's not here taking care of her, I am. That's more thought than I need to spend on him right now.
W is going from neutral to warm today but at least she's not angry. It's a little harder to keep the 'I am divorcing her emotionally' attitude when she's warm. I have some more stuff to say, but I'll post this for now.
