This is what I mean. Two adults sit down. Look each other in the eyes. Talk about what they have done to each other. Talk about life without each other. And one says " I have hurt you. I am sorry. What can I do? I am in this, I am confused, I have been hurt. I am sorry and there is no out. I took vows and no matter what I am in this till the very end and not a minute sooner"
These are the words of the truly committed IMO.
Now take my wife. You know what she has said. I think I have given her enough sit downs, eye to eye conversations, remember the vows, remember what family is and the sacrifices you make for family and marriage. Now I ask you, if my wife files for divorce now do you honestly think she should EVER get another chance with me?
Why?
Are the vows you take only valid for 10 years or 15 years? Or before the failure of a buisness or another problem. No they are for a lifetime.
I am hanging in there like you and on a scale of 1 -10. I am a 4 or 5 while you are 7 or 8. (the scale from no big deal to very serious) It is not a perfect scale but I know you get it.
Frank, I was confused by the hope/obsession comment. I am not sure about you cause I never could be. But when I got married I never thought I would be waiting to find out if my wife was going to ask me to come home or continue the marriage. And without a doubt my wife NEVER thought she would have to deal with what I handed her. So I think marriage can be a very selfish thing in some ways.
So with that being said, Don't you think both parties should fight until both parties can sit eye to eye and say we gave it our all and not a minute sooner.
Other than the above statement, I sit here and hope she reads some thing, a friend says something, or anything to trigger a thought process that makes her see the light and want to become that person who is willing to do the hard work.
Then and only then would I NOT have to say "Once my wife leaves she will never get a shot again" Because at that point both parties would not be looking at the grass. They would be crying and saying sorry and hugging. Both souls would know they did all they could.
I find the grass is greener statement insulting. Don’t You?
I feel that once you have made it to that point and both parties are as committed as each other you will have success. Both sides will read, go to CT and/or single T. You see, in my minds eye a winner never quits! But when one does in a marriage doesn’t the other at a specific point in time have to as well? My wife has not filed yet, so I am in. Most on this board think my wife is a little crazy J very confused but if I study, learn, grow up, change and play it right I’ll probably go home.
Second chances? I am not sure I understand. You deserve a million chances in a marriage. What a spouse does not deserve is to be dangled, left out on a limb. A spouse does not deserve to be told some of the things that are said to all of us on this board. But we get it anyway. And I can deal with it, god knows I have said things very hurtful. But if she files than that is not a second chance I need to give. That is her breaking the vows of marriage which if she comes back turns into green grass just over the fence.
This was a good oneJ
So, why are you here. Just wait for her to file and then you will be 'done'.
You know I don’t want my wife to file but I get your point. So I’ll explain. I am here to better my self and listen to others who want the same thing that I do. To here there stories so I can feel better about mine, see hope and get strength. But yes Frank, one thing that is true about your statement is, if she does file than I would be done.
When I took vows with my wife I did not ask her if a divorce or separation would be needed around 35 or 45. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have asked if during our life together she would get really confused and need time apart or a maybe worse yet a divorce. But you know I could never ask these questions, you just assume it’s for life. I did, didn’t you? So what do we need now? We need the commitment we thought we had the day we were getting married for strength during these trying times. I can’t speak for you but I don’t think I am getting that right now. So with that in mind if my wife decides to leave, then nope, there will not be any more chances for her. Why? Because the grass on the other side of the fence has never been trampled on and you cant see the weeds. Who needs that type of commitment in there life?
I hope this clarifies a little better for you and all.
And Frank if you think I am full of it. Share it I welcome it. How else can I learn and get better.
And the life we both share. Yes some things are very similar.
