The slow walk home final chapter

[frank_D]

Was2sad, I finally have time to respond to your posting which I found to be very moving to me. Please do reply to my questions either here, or via e-mail. thanks

what have you done to stop drinking? Are you in AA?

I just stopped on October 22. I had slowed down the previous 3 weeks to where I didn't drink during the week at all. I decided that it wasn't working for me and took personal responsibility. Then W bombed on Oct 31 and I have still stayed off alcohol in spite of all I have been through. Also, my Counselor whom I see twice a week is also a drug and alcohol counselor. She does a lot of work with the courts and people who are habitual substance abusers. So, she's very helpful to me.

I used the philosophy of S.O.S. which is that we and we alone are responsible for making a bad choice to use alcohol when we know it is destructive to us. AA didn't resonate with me because of the 'powerless' aspect, that's all. I don't believe I am 'powerless' over alcohol, I believe I am prone to ADDICTION to alcohol and should not drink it. And, I won't. The hardest part was losing the cravings / addiction which takes at least 90-120 days.

The 'funny' part is I don't think 'boy I could use a drink right now'. Not at all. It's like I don't know what it was like any more and I don't want to know.

My W has an open bottle of wine in the refridgerator that has been there for at least 3-4 weeks. The old frank would have sucked it down by now. This frank wonders why she doesn't throw it away if she doesn't like it - it takes up space!

What makes you strong? You don't sound strong right now. That is bad for you and no one else. All she knows is what she sees. If she sees you as weak and in fear mode right now, guess what - to her you are. And right now you are sounding like that. I'm not trying to beat you down. I'm saying you sound like you are doing a fair job of that on your own now.

What makes me strong is feeling ok about myself. Knowing I don't depend on anyone for my emotional well being. The 'knowing' that comes from my belief that when I choose to achieve a goal that I have a passion for, I WILL do whatever it takes to achieve it. And I WILL achieve it in some form. And when I am strong people are attracted to me. They come to me for emotional advice, spiritual advice and technological advice. It's what I do. It's who I am.

I am not reading what you are doing to walk the walk. Frank do you want her back? Do you have the strength and patience to make this happen. Do you know how much it is going to take? More than three months.

You are correct. I've been hurting for the past 3 months, and not letting it go. Not letting HER go. I can use the 'excuse' that I had to pull myself out of the cesspool that was my life while also holding things together, but things are 'together' now. W is in a 'stable' place with her desires and OM. Kids have accepted the changes in our relationship. I've adopted good habits and relationships with my kids. W and I have a strange but mostly coordial arrangement.

I guess it's time to leave 'crisis mode' and walk the walk.

Almost all of DB is about gaining back lost strength, regaining your lost PMA. That is what you need to be thinking about and writing about. That has to come first before she can see you walking the walk.

Yes, I get that and I am NOT in my true strength but in 'survivor' mode. I need to change that.

She doesn't expect to find someone better. She is wanting to spend some time with someone different.

Why do you say that? I won't say 'how do you know' but 'why do you draw this conclusion' that 'She doesn't expect to find someone better' and what do you mean by that? That she really wants ME but in a 'better' place and is just going for 'different' to see if I will become 'better'? She sure seems like I'm OUT for good. Please elaborate.

What makes you think she already knows him so well that she could love him as long as she loved you, and in spite of all those crimes you say she toleratd from you?

Ok, I know she doesn't 'know' him, I fear that she will spend the time getting to know him and over that time, feelings for ME will evaporate, never to return. That' s MY fear and my issue. And I'm hurt by the betrayal of our monogamy.

When she comes out of the transition she will be somebody new, and she will be ready to comit to an unconditional love. I think she has a history of unconditional love with you Frank and she will be looking to see where you are, and how you are. You need to be there and be the strong person she can come home to.

Ok, I undertand this. Why do you think she has this 'history' and will eventually come 'home'? I know I ask a lot of questions but I like to hear supporting evidence. Thanks.

It is too soon for you to be deciding to throw in the towel. It is time for you to decide to focus on Frank and detach from the rest of this.

Yes. It is.

If you are serious about it being time for Frank to move on to someone else, I would ask which Frank you want someone else to get to know. I think it should be the one that has taken time to get to know himself and improve himself so the next R will be the best one possible for both people. That is not three months. Give yourself some time and stay involved with this board for yourself. You may be surprised at the results.

I agree with the 'other frank' argument. I 'used to be' a different person. And I want to be better than that. Thanks for your words. I appreciate your (and others) responses to this post.