Quote: I have realized today that I've been telling you to hang on and not give up because my H gave up and naturally, I then WOKE up. I didn't want that to happen to your wife. I didn't want her to wake up too late and be where I am. I don't think she has what it takes to fight from THIS side of the fence. But you know what? I didn't either. Not when I was lost. It took all the realizations I got along the way "back" to give me the strength I have now..... The strength is built in the journey.
I hope you are right about her and I. I want you to be right. I really do. I'm sure it took months and months for you to 'wake up' after H left you. I wish you could say it was 'a few weeks after he detached' but that would make my life too easy if W did it that way, wouldn't it?
So it will be months or years before W finishes her journey with OM, with starting her business, with whatever else she will do. And I'll hurt and I'll keep my distance emotionally. And I'll be lonely in my own home. And I'll grow and be ok. And maybe after a while I won't want to be there any more.
And maybe she just won't fight for me because she just can't get past the hurt.
Quote: You are already a winner in your sitch. I still remember your first posts so well, Frank. Have you ever gone back and read them and seen how much you have grown? You really should someday. It's quite a turnaround.
Yeah, I was pretty pathetic. I just wanted it all to go away and she was more messed up then, acting like she still loved me, then going towards OM. Now she is consistant at least. As long as OM feeds her ego she is 'in love' with him and just 'nice' to me. The occasional flirting with me is the only odd thing.
Today while her GF was over, D15's BF was here and THEY WERE looking through various photo albums of the girls when they were younger. I happened to walk into the room and looked too. From time to time W and I exchanged smiles at certain pictures, or memories. I guess our life wasn't all hell after all. And I guess we'll always have THAT connection.
It didn't seem to hurt her that those memories are part of the ending of a life we had together. One of the pictures was of D15 at 2yrs sitting on the lap of someone in an Easter Bunny costume. One of the girls said 'oh, that's dad dressed up as the easter bunny' (it wasn't). W explained to D15's BF that she first met me when I was dressed up as the easter bunny for a kids party for inner city kids in L.A. She had a smile on her face as she spoke. She used to love telling people that story, it meant a lot to her.
Anyway, it was fun to look at the kids and at us when we were younger. It wasn't till now that I feel sad.
I left after the last book and went into my office. A little later W came in and a little timidly asked me about some changes she wanted to make to her web site for her business. I built it for her a couple years ago. I told her how long the work would take and she asked me how much she should expect to pay me, she didn't think it was fair to expect me to do it for free. I came up with a price ($60) and she said 'ok', thanked me, and left.
Things like that hurt. When she does that I feel like it is just another way for her to distance herself from me. To cement the 'I am divorced' feelings and now I'm just 'a guy' to her.
I know you'll all say it's her 'guilt'. Because of what she's done she doesn't feel she should ask me to do anything for her. But it still hurts.
Well, I decided I am going to set a goal that I will be able to stay living here and detach to where I don't feel anything any more. I think it will build character.
Right now I'm going to clean the garage. I keep starting but get interrupted.
