So, the theme I got from everyones post is 'put yourself first' and 'let her go, let the relationship go'.
Some of the comments I heard and things I know to be true are:
-- I won't be alone forever. -- I have always been a good man, and I'll always be a good man. And a 'real' good man IS hard to find. -- The days of 'down and out' are over for me and will never happen again. -- I'm still an attractive man (no really, I am!) and when I naturally feel that way INSIDE then people will be attracted to me. -- I can do great things with my life. I already have. Now I'm alive again and I will start 'doing' again. -- What I must do now is rebuild my life, just for me. Like one person said "you can't help anyone else if you don't put the oxygen mask on yourself first" -- I haven't been letting go of W or R. I am letting go now. I'm sorry it's gone. It's nobodys fault, it's just the way it is. -- I have begun detaching from that former life. I'm starting a new one that is centered on me. -- When my W does this little 'flirty' things I won't assign any meaning to them. I don't think she even knows why she does it. -- My W will continue with OM, and it's not anything I can change. What I can do is know that it's not to punish ME. It's not about ME it's about her, and her inability to find happiness inside herself instead of from a relationship with a man. And, I can put it out of my thoughts where it doesn't belong. It doesn't deserve any of my energy. -- W didn't reject ME, she rejected our LIFE together. Her actions show that she cares for me, and not in a 'I have to take care of frank' way. She wasn't happy in our life, and thinks that leaving is the only way she will be happy. She didn't expect me to change, and even though I have she thinks it's 'too late' to trust that I will stay changed. I will. -- W's Dad and Stepmom support ME and want me to stop being nice to her, make her get out on her own. Even though they know the WHOLE story they still think she didn't do the work for the marriage. That says a lot. -- W's Mom has disapproved of her actions. Don't know what she thinks of me though. We don't talk. Still, it says a lot. -- My kids love me, respect me, and are happy to have me 'back'. I have a relationship with them both that is better than it ever was.
Thanks to Spitfire for talking to me for several hours over the past few days, helping me see through the hurt and find reality and today making this observation: I am obviously a very strong man. I have always known this. In my marriage I was the one who made decisions, and was there for W to lean on. She was never the strong one and needed me to be that person. When she lost that, she just didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to fix it. She didn't know how to be happy. And now we are where we are.
When I am back to 'normal' she may see that she wants it back. Maybe I will see that I don't want weakness from her in my life again. I feel that way now, and I felt that way the past few years about her. I felt she was weak since she couldn't help ME.
Yesterday my W had to go to a funeral for a friends mom. She and the friend had some issues a year ago and hadn't spoken since so it was a shock for her to hear from her.
She came back sort of numb, sort of confused. She made a point of telling me that her GF's boyfriend was 'still with her'. She is a bit of a spoiled princess and he does whatever she wants. But she doesn't want to get married to him because she doesn't respect him I think. It was interesting the way W said it though. "she's still with him". Like it's only her choice to change it.
We got to talking about death and I told her that I'm not afraid of death any more. Then I said the hardest thing for me is knowing that when I die, I will hurt so many people and that makes me sad. She said that was a very sweet thing to say.
I went out a little later, and before I went out I went to D10's room to say goodnite, and W was reading a book with her. I gave D10 about 10 loud smooches on her cheek and said goodnite. As I was leaving the room W made 2-3 smooching sounds and said goodnite to me. I turned and looked at her with a puzzled expression and left the room. She was asleep when I got home later.
Today her GF who supports her adultery and doesn't like me is visiting for the day. I just got back from a long walk and she had come here while I was gone. I expected that I would hurt, be furious, whatever.
Instead I walked in, pasted on a genuine smile and said hello to everybody. GF said a pleasant hello to me. W smiled, made eye contact and made a few comments about how my walk was. I stayed for a couple minutes then went to my room to get a shower.
It's so strange how people behave when they know hidden truths that are hurting you. But GF is HER friend and has no feelings about how I might be feeling. BUT I did keep a PMA and not come across as anything like the guy W has probably told her I am / was.
I'm going to clean the garage today. It's been a huge mess for months and months. I just want a change and it's something I can change myself.
Overall I know that deep inside there is greatness in me. I've seen it before and I've hidden it for so many years because I got so hurt. I was telling my D15 on our drive last nite that I could 'feel' the 'next big thing' there on the horizon and it was calling to me. I feel it, I really can.
Maybe it's wishful thinking but in my dream I see W there with me, stronger and more independent.
So, for me 'giving up' I guess really meant 'stop trying to fix it'. So, I am giving up, but not on me. I don't know what will happen now, but I feel like I have been dead long enough. I want to live again. I want to be the guy people admired because I did so much good for so many.
It's funny how from time to time I'll talk to someone from the 'old life' who I hadn't talked to in years and they 'wondered what had happened to me'. I did't have the heart to tell them I was dead inside. I'm not dead now, I know this because life HURTS and I FEEL it. That's being ALIVE.
