Hi Frank-

Okay- I've been following your thread for the past couple days but have not had the time to respond in the way I have wanted......

First big, big ((((((hugs))))). I know how it feels. Been there, done that. It sucks. Just absolutley friging sucks.

But you know what?
it will pass.
You will get tired of feeling how you are feeling right now.
And then, when you are in a better emotional state, you can really start to ask yourself: "Where do I go from here?"
"What do I want?"
"And how am I going to best accomplish what I want?"

Having read everything you've posted the past couple days, the two things stick in my mind are:

"Frank is really begining to mourn his former R."

"Frank is very, very, resentful of W."

I am sorry if either of the above hurts. I do not write them to make you hurt. I write them b/c I think, that perhaps in acknowledging those feelings, you hold part of the key to the solution in your situation.

Regarding the mourning: Well, I don't know what to really say to make it better. It's just reality. You have to experience it in order to get past it and move on. t'ss what I'm trying to do at this point in my own sorid sit: Embrace the hurt, the loss of my former R, my hopes and dreams for our future, B/c I know I cannot, absolutley cannot move on, GAL, DB FOR MYSELF, until I have said goodbye to my former R with H. And it's painful. And it sucks. And I don't feel its fair. I don't think I deserve it.
But I don't want to lose myself to the pain of the A, the alcoholism, the end of my R either. B/c then we've just proven our WA's that everything they have accused of us, blamed us for, held against us, is justified.
And we know it's not.
So let go of it Frank. Just mourn, hurt, whatever you need to do, to truely say goodbye so you can get to the next level- DETACHING.
You cannot detach and until you have let go of your former life with W. Based on your writing, I'm not sure you have completely gotten there yet.

As for the resentment: I see you are writing that you are resentful that your W is not here for you as you pull out of your depression and your alcoholism. That you have been emotionally and financially supporting the family. That you are unappreciated and she is ungrateful.

Frank- first, the last two are expectations you are placing on your W. You are expecting her, the WA, to acknowledge and show gratitude for pulling yourself together. I agree that what you have done is commendable- much more than my H is or probably will ever do- but I think it is a little presumptious that you would expect her to just want to dive back in your R after only 3 months of sobreity. I know I certainly would be on guard still w/my H after 3 months of sobreity. Mix another love interest in the equation... well, it's not right, but I can see where W may not be the most responsive person to your sobreity right now. She just doesn't trust you right now. So are you going to place unrealistic expectation on her b/c she is still very mindful of the past? Is that really fair of you?
You cannot expect her to believe in 3 months time that you two have a happy future together when the past 5 uphappy YEARS is weighed against that. Sorry. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I hate to see you so resentful b/c I see it blocking your progress.

I do think it's great that you are emotionally there for your kids, for W, taking care of things financially too. But don't you think your W has been feeling like she's been taking care of everyone emotionally for a number of years because of the alcoholism? Protecting the kids from it? Denying herself? Trying to make you feel better (even if she was poor at it....). Did you show gratitde during that time? And do you really, really, expect her to show gratitude now when she feels like its something you should have been doing all along?

I really do think it would be in your best intersts to stop expecting your wife to demonstrate sympathy, gratitude, support, at this juncture. It really sounds like you are in recovery more for her and your R than for yourself. And I'm sure you know what that implies. So drop the resentmennt and take care of you b/c you know it's the best thing for YOU. Not b/c it's going to win back W or make your R with W better. Drop the expectations that someone is going to pat you on the back for it b/c it's probably not going to happen right now, and continuing to expect it will spin you up more, and at worse, it could trigger you to abandon all your hard work. Do it b/c you want to do it for you and know you are a better person, a better father, for it, whether or not your W will ever recognize it.

I really think that if you did the two things above, you would be in a much better state. Able to move forward- even when living in the same house.

Please don't think I am trying to be judgemental here Frank, or trying to make you feel bad, hurt you... it's none of that. I think I am replying with the above b/c I see so much of me-even up to just a couple weeks ago- in your recent postings. The hurt, the anguish, wondering "why me, why this?", feeling things are not fair, spells of physical illness, obsessive thoughts, resentment, self-rightousness, indignation, ... it could go on. It was not until I truly let go, stopped HURTING MYSELF with all my negative thoughs and actions, and concetrated on me, detaching from my former life, making myself feel good for ME AND ME ALONE, that I am feeling like I am making progress. My mind is in a better place and I am now to the point of where I am open to a future- with H, or without H in it. I am trying for me now, and no one else.

And you know what- it's helped me stop blaming H too. It's stopped me from focusing on H A with the FF21OW (Guess what it stands for! LOL- )It's made my living environment more tolerant.

I hope you don't mind my take, my advice. I hope you get to where I am too. It truly is a better place.



PetiteFlower Quote: Follow Your Bliss ~Joseph Campbell