Quote: I wonder since my H felt all the same emotions you are feeling now, would your advice to me now would be to give up, too. Since my H turned the corner and really "detached" would you tell me there is no hope for my sitch?
You are projecting MY sitch 3 years into the future to make this comparison. I am not where your husband is, but I will be.
Since in your example, YOU are my W and HE is ME then you are assuming that in a couple years my W decides she wants ME and our marriage back. TODAY she is YOU as you were years ago, and just wants to be 'happy, in love, and have sex with someone else' all the while telling me she 'will never stop loving me because she doesn't know how to'. All the while telling me she MUST have a divorce but is still living in the house so she can take advantage of my goodness, financial and emotional support. Jump starting her 'independent' life so she'll be more capable of suporting herself and reaching career goals when she finaly DOES leave. She (or the old YOU) is generally cold and heartless when OM 'relationship' is on the upside, and warmer when SHE PERCEIVES the 'relationship' is on the downward trend and she starts to 'need' me.
So I'm your husband and this is my life. Oh, and with the added joy of having to pull my a$$ out of depression and all kinds of other crap while not losing my temper with W and basically GIVING her all the space she wants to do all the things she is doing that hurt me.
So, what, I sleep on the couch for a year was it? I put up with daiy hurt and pain? In HIS (and my) heart eventually it becomes 'clear' to me that you really don't want me and it HURTS to even THINK you do. I see NO FUTURE with you. I quit. I give up hoping or trying to 'wait' just a little longer for you to snap out of it. And in my head all I think about are all the good memories we had and how they are all gone, and there won't be any more.
So, I'm your husband, You're my wife. I detach so I can save myself. Let's say in 2 years ,like you, my W has had her party time and for some reason thinks that I am a pretty cool guy after all. But like your H, I've been hurt so bad that quite frankly, I just don't WANT to feel anything for you. I've had plenty of time to turn it off, and except for the occasional pang of hurt, I'm ok. Now you're telling ME that YOU think I'm 'the one' after all? Yeah right. What about the others that were 'true love' and soulmates? How could I ever trust you to know WHAT you feel because it's pretty obvious that your (her) feelings change when life isn't going the way you want it too. And the added excitment of knowing that you (and she) are CAPABLE of doing what you did keeps me very doubting.
So, I'm your husband. You're my wife. I'm just not gonna buy it. And in actuality, I know that I personally would probably despise you pretty good by now, but inside I'd still have some love for you because it can't just go away completely. Maybe I would have learned to feel sorry for her (you) by then.
So, I'm your husband and there is really nothing there in me that will motivate me to want you back. The only memories I have of you now are all painful. So, I would say that in the beginning of your 'return' there is indeed pretty close to NO hope. I'd be very WARY of anything you say. I would hope that by then at least I would have maybe been dating someone who could appreciate me as I am now, without my old baggage. Is he?
But, here is the big plus for YOU: YOU are very patient, and persistent. YOU really HAVE changed. YOU are truly remorseful and YOU are slowly replacing those bad memories. YOU are AMY. And obviously HE did not find someone else, probably because he hurt so much he couldn't trust someone else.
So, in your case is there HOPE? Today, yes. But only because YOU are who you are. He didn't replace you with someone else, and you are rebulding that trust. YOU are doing it.
In 2-3 years will my W be where you are? Who knows. Will I wait? No. Will I leave the door open? Only until I clear my heart and make a place for someone else. Probably at least 2 years from now.
Right now MY W is not where you are at all. She is destroying the trust, like you did years ago. Big difference is she isn't as mean as you say you were to your H which makes it all the more difficult for me because it gives me such false hopes. But she's 'clear' on what she want's. Whatever will make her happy. And it's NOT ME.
So yes, YOU have hope. But you are in the phase of this that happens after a couple years. And it's a long road you're on to rebuild the trust and love. But if it can be done, YOU can do it. And since he hasn't said 'f' off then HE still has enough of that love left to where he will let you try.
Amy, you know I care for and trust you greatly. What does this have to do with my current situation?
