Frank you said I had to first pull myself out of my depression and drinking so I could... get hurt even more! I literally do no have anything left to give to her, or to anybody. Like I said, I'm tired. I'm lonely.
You have pulled yourself up from so many incredibly difficult life challenges you should be proud of the strength you have demonstrated! Many people in the world today could not even handle 1/10 of what you have gone through! You are entiled to be tired and you should be, because you have worked so hard! Take some of that effort you have put into your W and others, and put some back into Frank! All of us on here want to see Frank succeed in life, and all those people in your life would tell you to be proud and take some time for Frank. I know you have reflected on your travels through life, but take a moment and see what I see a man who did it with incredible strenght and class!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I know I'm just being a whiner. I'm sorry for letting everyone down who looked up to me for whatever reasons.
Yeah, I have been through too much and survived. And some day I'll be big and proud and confident again. I was somebody once. Everyone knew me. I'll start some new venture someday and do great things. Just not today. And I'm sure that the way I feel right now is oh so attractive to W, or anybody else.
Someday I'll trust again, and find someone who wants to be with me because they don't have that history that W has so they won't mistrust me. Couple years maybe.
I just want to curl up and cry for an hour or two and get it ALL out. This is such a bad dream, when do I wake up?
This might not be the right thing to say but hey I say a lot of things. But here it goes. For me Frank the OM is the last straw. I just dont see how all these people deal with this. BUT..
You have done so much and seem to really have such a good handle on certain aspects of life and relationships. So I guess my point is, stay for a given amount of time and then WALK. There are too many fish in the sea. I have a lot of respect for a number of people on this board but there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. Kids, money, family and future does not matter.
I WOULD at this time let the anger drive your life and use it to take care of yourself and your kids. Your wife needs to be dropped off and let go. I DO NOT at this time believe that DB'ing is the way to go. If there was not OM I would say take the pain (as I do and others) and stick it out until the answer comes. I want you or I dont.
Only you can know how much time, but I DO believe you owe it to yourself and your children to give the time. 6 months or 9 months or a year. And FLOAT all the way to the D day. You owe it to your wife, children and vows to give her/it that time, but after that you are done. Once you GIVE UP and set that time frame and FLOAT till that day I know you will be OK. Your a better man than I Frank, I have said it before. My wife gives me one indication she is dating, seeing or even interested at THIS time in our lives, its over. So please try to understand where I come from. I DO NOT SHARE! Otheriwse they would have put that somewhere in the vows.
I spoke financially a few posts ago and you said you know what is going on in the real world. Then make the plans 60 days before D day to:
sell your house let your wife go save your finances save your equity rent an apartment take care of yourself and your kids AND START HEALING!
I get too many mixed signals to be so direct in my life so I try to just deal with the pain and take it day by day as many of you know. I cannot imagine what you go through on a daily basis.
But doesn't there come a time when you realize that the pain in your back is not a muscle but a knife? Alien or not, if given the chance (sorry to those who dont like this statement) a person will walk all over those that let them.
What do you think would happpen if I served my wife with papers and I was doing it because I had enough. NOT becasue I wanted a reaction and I stuck to it. I would find out REALLY quick waht was on her mind. You need to do the same but dont throw a grenade. Give the time and then mean it! But stop with all the other stuff. I see that as one negative of DB'ing. It allows the other person to walk all over you. At least that is how I see it in your case.
what do you think? This whole thing sucks, it really does as I sit here in a one bedroom apartment alone! It really does!! My family is 30 seconds away. People are just really Fu*ked up these days. What happen to till death do us part, for better or for worse?
Read between the lines for feelings in the writings
The real issue for me is that right now ... I need to heal.
Quote: I pulled myself out of my personal hell by myself, stopped drinking on my own, Stayed the solid one for the kids to lean on while she was off in a cloud, Kept even HER emotionally stable during OM ups and downs over xmas, kept the Kids grounded and happy and all this during a 'separation' and affair and a divorce hanging over me. All in the past 90 days
This is too much for one person to absorb for a long time. I need to give myself credit for getting this far. Most people would take 90 days JUST to get through depression and drinking isues alone. I was tasked with much more than that and survived so far.
I need to put all my DB'ing on HOLD, and take care of me. I need to be healed before I continue. This journey for me hasn't just been DB'ing, it started with restarting my life first, and getting back to a 'normal' level of living, before I have the power to DB properly. I'm running a marathon on two broken legs, and it hurts.
I've been DB'ing with no heart. No core energy to do it with. I'm still getting over the depression. So most of what everyone has seen is me doing the best I can to keep it 'up and positive'. My heart is broken and I need to heal it before I can do anything more with this mess.
So, I need to Withdraw to finish healing. Emotional Detachment. I know what it means but not exactly how to do it. As I see it, you are 'above it all' and not connected to the actions of someone else.
Physical Detachment: don't be around and available. It's a little bit harder but it can be done. Withdraw!
Ultimately the goal is to be interesting, intelligent and funny. I'm all three.
Counselor said that if I really withdraw from W, she would take it as an insult, but a neccesary one. As they learn that intimacy is schedled
A better idea was: give it six month to see if there is anything to it.
Shark, your ideas are pretty good too. I'll need to reread them to respond.
I wonder since my H felt all the same emotions you are feeling now, would your advice to me now would be to give up, too. Since my H turned the corner and really "detached" would you tell me there is no hope for my sitch?
Quote: I wonder since my H felt all the same emotions you are feeling now, would your advice to me now would be to give up, too. Since my H turned the corner and really "detached" would you tell me there is no hope for my sitch?
You are projecting MY sitch 3 years into the future to make this comparison. I am not where your husband is, but I will be.
Since in your example, YOU are my W and HE is ME then you are assuming that in a couple years my W decides she wants ME and our marriage back. TODAY she is YOU as you were years ago, and just wants to be 'happy, in love, and have sex with someone else' all the while telling me she 'will never stop loving me because she doesn't know how to'. All the while telling me she MUST have a divorce but is still living in the house so she can take advantage of my goodness, financial and emotional support. Jump starting her 'independent' life so she'll be more capable of suporting herself and reaching career goals when she finaly DOES leave. She (or the old YOU) is generally cold and heartless when OM 'relationship' is on the upside, and warmer when SHE PERCEIVES the 'relationship' is on the downward trend and she starts to 'need' me.
So I'm your husband and this is my life. Oh, and with the added joy of having to pull my a$$ out of depression and all kinds of other crap while not losing my temper with W and basically GIVING her all the space she wants to do all the things she is doing that hurt me.
So, what, I sleep on the couch for a year was it? I put up with daiy hurt and pain? In HIS (and my) heart eventually it becomes 'clear' to me that you really don't want me and it HURTS to even THINK you do. I see NO FUTURE with you. I quit. I give up hoping or trying to 'wait' just a little longer for you to snap out of it. And in my head all I think about are all the good memories we had and how they are all gone, and there won't be any more.
So, I'm your husband, You're my wife. I detach so I can save myself. Let's say in 2 years ,like you, my W has had her party time and for some reason thinks that I am a pretty cool guy after all. But like your H, I've been hurt so bad that quite frankly, I just don't WANT to feel anything for you. I've had plenty of time to turn it off, and except for the occasional pang of hurt, I'm ok. Now you're telling ME that YOU think I'm 'the one' after all? Yeah right. What about the others that were 'true love' and soulmates? How could I ever trust you to know WHAT you feel because it's pretty obvious that your (her) feelings change when life isn't going the way you want it too. And the added excitment of knowing that you (and she) are CAPABLE of doing what you did keeps me very doubting.
So, I'm your husband. You're my wife. I'm just not gonna buy it. And in actuality, I know that I personally would probably despise you pretty good by now, but inside I'd still have some love for you because it can't just go away completely. Maybe I would have learned to feel sorry for her (you) by then.
So, I'm your husband and there is really nothing there in me that will motivate me to want you back. The only memories I have of you now are all painful. So, I would say that in the beginning of your 'return' there is indeed pretty close to NO hope. I'd be very WARY of anything you say. I would hope that by then at least I would have maybe been dating someone who could appreciate me as I am now, without my old baggage. Is he?
But, here is the big plus for YOU: YOU are very patient, and persistent. YOU really HAVE changed. YOU are truly remorseful and YOU are slowly replacing those bad memories. YOU are AMY. And obviously HE did not find someone else, probably because he hurt so much he couldn't trust someone else.
So, in your case is there HOPE? Today, yes. But only because YOU are who you are. He didn't replace you with someone else, and you are rebulding that trust. YOU are doing it.
In 2-3 years will my W be where you are? Who knows. Will I wait? No. Will I leave the door open? Only until I clear my heart and make a place for someone else. Probably at least 2 years from now.
Right now MY W is not where you are at all. She is destroying the trust, like you did years ago. Big difference is she isn't as mean as you say you were to your H which makes it all the more difficult for me because it gives me such false hopes. But she's 'clear' on what she want's. Whatever will make her happy. And it's NOT ME.
So yes, YOU have hope. But you are in the phase of this that happens after a couple years. And it's a long road you're on to rebuild the trust and love. But if it can be done, YOU can do it. And since he hasn't said 'f' off then HE still has enough of that love left to where he will let you try.
Amy, you know I care for and trust you greatly. What does this have to do with my current situation?
I had to crash this sorry Frank. This is the case for me and me only. Up until the time my wife said she is moving out. And up until the time, I would say about a year ago. Because from a year ago until now I really have been getting my act together and working on me and my life. But prior to that one year if she had OM I would have taken responsibility for it and tried to save the marriage. If in fact my situtation turned out like yours wher she turned into the chaser, I would have treated her just like your husband is treating you.
When you want to be with somebody and you love them and you feel partly responsible for driving them into the arms of another you will FIND a way to get over it. But that does not mean you will not be punishing that person if given the chance. The more you show your huband that you are hurting the more he will hurt you until he thinks you have had enough, and then and only then will he take you back. But if you show no hurt and say sorry and all that and you believe there is nothing more you can do and he knows there is nothing more you can do then it is you and the hurt he sees that makes him hurt you more. But in the end he knows he will come back. I promise you and this comes from a guy. If he believes that he is partly responsible for driving you away he will find a way to forgive you and come home. And if he is like me where OM signals the end, he would end it and end it quick. I am sure there are parts missing in the post but try to see the whole picture.
Go ahead and take a poll, AmyC. Guys are different, it is much more black and white. But hey I cant speak for anyothers, I can only speculate. But IMO for your situation dont give up.
You missed the point of my post entirely. I wasn't seeking advice on my own sitch. I merely wanted you to consider that your wife might still "come around"? It might not be as long as 2 years from now either. You have a lot going for you that I did not and still do not. But I came around and so can your wife. I wasn't projecting anything. I just wanted to see if I might be able to give you a little bit of hope today as you have NEVER once told me to give up. Obviously that is not how you took my post so I am sorry. I had no intention of getting you all riled up.
At the end of the day Frank, you have to do what feels right for you. What you can live with. Whatever that decision turns out to be, you know I wish you all the best.
