The slow walk home final chapter

[princess_nic]

But WHY Nicola? WHY? WHY would you want him back? Because he left you?

What if you had left him? Would you still take him back if he changed then? WHY?
Because I love him. It's that simple and that complicated. And because if he wanted to come back so badly that he changed, I know he wouldn't go back to what he was.

I thought it was for a lot of other (bad) reasons, like I have low self-esteem, I'm codependent, blah, blah, blah. And in the beginning, I think it was a lot more about *me* than about him: There's something wrong with me. I'll be alone forever. You know the drill.

I do still get very disappointed in him. Just tonight, he was supposed to be here at 6:30 and he showed up at 3 minutes to 7. (I have choir at 7.) He drove up with his best friend, who is another big drinker. Man, was I pissed!! I could barely even speak to him and now I feel like crap again b/c I feel as if there's no hope. I was driving home and thinking of all the nasty things I could say, how I could tell him this is it, it's over, if he thinks having the kids one evening a week is bad, let's see how he likes it when the judge gives him 50/50...But then I remembered that those words can be unsaid once I say them. I'm not saying that I never will, but now is not the time.

No matter what he's done, I love my husband. I don't love his actions, but I love him. Your wife has also hurt you deeply, and you would have her back, so you know what it's like.

I know what she's feeling, Frank. I know how awful it is to stand by and watch someone you love hurt himself. I tried and tried to get my H to go to counselling or at least get meds, but he wouldn't listen. This isn't a police state, so there wasn't much I could do. That's why I'm saying it will take time for her to adjust to the "new you." I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with my husband. He's got a court case that's still pending, and I swear, I'm just waiting for him to get a DUI or show up drunk for the kids. I really hope that doesn't happen, but I don't fully trust him right now. That's why I was so mad when he was late tonight: oh great, the old H is back. I KNEW it, damn it. It couldn't last. That's what she's thinking, and you will prove her wrong.

You do need to take care of yourself in all this, though. As I said before, we are all behind you no matter what you decide.

Take good care,
Nicola