No Frank, please don't have a bleak outlook tonight!
I hate to see you give up. You have SO much more going for you than a lot of us. She still lives at home. OM is far away. Geesh you went camping last weekend frank. I actually envy you. I don't mean to make light of your pain frank. I know you are tired. We all are, my friend. Please take a little time to put this argument behind you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: No Frank, please don't have a bleak outlook tonight!
I hate to see you give up. You have SO much more going for you than a lot of us. She still lives at home. OM is far away. Geesh you went camping last weekend frank. I actually envy you. I don't mean to make light of your pain frank. I know you are tired. We all are, my friend. Please take a little time to put this argument behind you.
I'm tired. Like I said in my previous posts, I pulled myself out of my personal hell by myself, Stayed the solid one for the kids to lean on while she was off in a cloud, Kept even HER emotionally stable during OM ups and downs over xmas, kept the Kids grounded and happy and all this during a 'separation' and affair and a divorce.
I"m tired. There hasn't been anything left for me. I'm hurt, I'm lonely, I'm stressed to the max, I'm having trouble detaching, I hurt all day, every day, even with meds.
You and others say how lucky I am because we live in the same house. I don't feel very lucky sometimes. It's all I can do to maintain an even keel and not blow up. It's painful to be around her. She's "happy", I'm not.
She just came back from Counselor. She is acting very indifferent. How fun.
So sorry to see you at this juncture in your R. You have experienced so much and, believe it or not, I have learned greatly from your postings. I really hope that you find the strenght to make it through whatever it is you decide to do, but I guess I'm pulling for you to find emotional detachment and ride this latest wave in. Even though I don't personally know you, it truly really saddens me to see you in this funk. Know that there are many here pulling for you.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Don't give up. If you do, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened had you waited one more day, one more week, one more month....
I know how hard it is sometimes to see the positives in our situations. That's why we all have each other. To pull us through those times when everything looks so hopeless. You read my thread last weekend. I came un-freakin'-glued. Maybe we need to do that sometimes but our spouses cannot see it. Please learn from my experience last weekend. I just might have blown the whole thing! Don't do that to yourself. Not with all the positives you have. Your whole family went camping together...you have such sweet moments with your wife, she comes to you for advice about her business..... You are BUILDING the foundation for your FUTURE here. She just doesn't know it yet. But she will. Unless you give up. Then you'll never know....
Don't give up, Frank. You have come so far and you just have to hold on a little longer.
But WHY Nicola? WHY? WHY would you want him back? Because he left you?
What if you had left him? Would you still take him back if he changed then? WHY? Because I love him. It's that simple and that complicated. And because if he wanted to come back so badly that he changed, I know he wouldn't go back to what he was.
I thought it was for a lot of other (bad) reasons, like I have low self-esteem, I'm codependent, blah, blah, blah. And in the beginning, I think it was a lot more about *me* than about him: There's something wrong with me. I'll be alone forever. You know the drill.
I do still get very disappointed in him. Just tonight, he was supposed to be here at 6:30 and he showed up at 3 minutes to 7. (I have choir at 7.) He drove up with his best friend, who is another big drinker. Man, was I pissed!! I could barely even speak to him and now I feel like crap again b/c I feel as if there's no hope. I was driving home and thinking of all the nasty things I could say, how I could tell him this is it, it's over, if he thinks having the kids one evening a week is bad, let's see how he likes it when the judge gives him 50/50...But then I remembered that those words can be unsaid once I say them. I'm not saying that I never will, but now is not the time.
No matter what he's done, I love my husband. I don't love his actions, but I love him. Your wife has also hurt you deeply, and you would have her back, so you know what it's like.
I know what she's feeling, Frank. I know how awful it is to stand by and watch someone you love hurt himself. I tried and tried to get my H to go to counselling or at least get meds, but he wouldn't listen. This isn't a police state, so there wasn't much I could do. That's why I'm saying it will take time for her to adjust to the "new you." I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with my husband. He's got a court case that's still pending, and I swear, I'm just waiting for him to get a DUI or show up drunk for the kids. I really hope that doesn't happen, but I don't fully trust him right now. That's why I was so mad when he was late tonight: oh great, the old H is back. I KNEW it, damn it. It couldn't last. That's what she's thinking, and you will prove her wrong.
You do need to take care of yourself in all this, though. As I said before, we are all behind you no matter what you decide.
Take good care, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
You know how I feel about you and what you've meant to most of us here. Realize that I am pulling for you and am going to support you no matter what. It's only natural that I want for you what I want for all of us, and that's for you to have the strength to make it that one more day, every day so that you might make it to the day when everything changes and what you hoped to accomplish becomes reality. I know you are tired. I really do. I do not do this with the passion and energy that you do, and I have not done it for as long but I am tired as hell too. I don't blame you a bit for wanting to give in, and if that's what you do, then you did it your way. You don't owe US anything Frank. I think we all want you to succeed, but it's ultimately up to you to define success for you.
I know what you're talking about, my W lives in the same house too, but she's millions of miles removed--shejust doen't think I know the truth, but, regardless, there is hope--just try to shift your focus a bit, hope for the things that you can change, that you can do, that you can make a difference with. Do for you for a while.
I've really had to change my focus in the last while--most dramatically in fact. I realize that my children still love me very much, that my nieces and nephews think I'm wonderful, that even my W's family has deep respect, love and sympathy for me, for what my W's been putting me through. I know my own siblings are there for me--every one wholeheartedly there to support and love.
There's always hope. I echoe the advice "Act" don't react. If anyone deserves to give up it's me; well I'm giving up on what I now know I absolutely have no control over (that's just a huge waste of energy), but my situation may be a little different than yours, but the feelings weren't, I've just realized that my efforts will be much better utilized focused on me now, on my children now.
Hang in there "Things are gettin' better" if you can just refocus your efforts somehow.
Quote: PArob:
I really hope that you find the strenght to make it through whatever it is you decide to do, but I guess I'm pulling for you to find emotional detachment and ride this latest wave in.
Thanks. Finding the 'strength' to make it is never the problem. I always do, I always do. 'making it' is always what happens. I make it. It just takes me years to get over the big hurts. This one will take a while. It probably won't start to heal until we get separate places to live. But I'm stuck here right now for a lot of reasons. I will find a way to detach without seeming angry around her.
Quote: AmyC:
Don't give up. If you do, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened had you waited one more day, one more week, one more month....
Waited for what? SHE DOESN'T CARE. She made it pretty clear today. And, she's pissed that I'm judging her 'new' life of 'happiness' that she 'deserves'.
And she has broken my heart.
Quote: I know how hard it is sometimes to see the positives in our situations. That's why we all have each other. To pull us through those times when everything looks so hopeless... Your whole family went camping together...you have such sweet moments with your wife, she comes to you for advice about her business..... You are BUILDING the foundation for your FUTURE here. She just doesn't know it yet. But she will. Unless you give up. Then you'll never know....
She seems very ungrateful. At least she is spending quality time with the girls now. Other than that, she only cares about OM, and getting together with him again. She isn't any different than any of the other cheating spouses on this board. She just has to deal with the distance and the rarity of the sex.
She only cares about ME so she can have a 'model divorce' where we are just the best of friends! And secretly i'm sure, she needs to know I'm there in case she falls down.
Quote: Don't give up, Frank. You have come so far and you just have to hold on a little longer.
Hold on to what? What am I holding on to? I have given, I have loved, I have swallowed pride and anger till it hurts. I had to first pull myself out of my depression and drinking so I could... get hurt even more! I literally do no have anything left to give to her, or to anybody. Like I said, I'm tired. I'm lonely. I don't have any friends around here. Sometimes even I need a hug, a smile, a friendly face. Sure I have friends on the board and around the country but right here, right now, I'm all alone.
Sure I can take care of myself, pay bills, keep things together. At least I can do that. It's an honorable thing.
I mean, why do I have to carry this cross? In a 'normal' life I'd be celebrating that I finally got myself out of my emotional hell hole I lived in the past few years. My wife would be crying and saying how happy she is that things are getting better.
Instead I am finally at the level of 'alive again' so now I can deal with the divorce, adultery and hurt from a much 'stronger' position than I was in before. This is my life.
I just don't know what to do.
----
Well, at Spitfire's suggestion (thanks!) I apologized to W for fighting with her. I did not apologize for anything I said. She said she was sorry too, that she shouldn't have even come upstairs to 'get down on me' for D10's homework problems because she had ALREADY done that last nite.
(Spitfire, I think you were right again about her motivations. I was detaching and she needed an excuse to check in on me)
I said I hope we don't fight since we have to live with each other for a year. She said that she was going to try harder not to fight. So, she isn't planning on moving out right away. I almost am sad about that.
I still feel like there's nothing there. I'm learning to detach and just get used to the idea she won't ever love me again. She's so cold sometimes and she used to be such a loving and warm person to me. I won't be mean, I just can't be there any more. I'm not appreciated for all that I AM doing for the famliy, and for her.
There are so many others on the board whose situations are much harder to go through. I'm just weaker than some of them. I wish I had started this whole thing from a better emotional state. I"m finally at 'ok' now so I can start letting go, and pushing back.
