Yeah, I suppose you're right. Love, patience, empathy and understanding. Had I had all that before, maybe I wouldn't be here today.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Well, I've gone and done it this time. I've backslid so far, it might as well be October, November and December all over again. I really need to get a grip on myself and pull myself up by the bootstraps.
Here's the down and dirty. If you have followed my posts, you'll see that I found a couple of things last week that distrubed me (love note from OM, a necklace her purchased for her, a phone card she uses to call him just about every day)...some of these I found rather innocently, the others I snooped for. The fact is, I did just about everything wrong that I can do wrong. Started with the pressure, etc. In many ways, I guess I felt justified because she had expressed to me that this marriage was very important to her, etc. Well, I guess I should have taken one of the first principles I learned in this forum to heart. The WAS' will say just about anything and its my job not to get caught up in that. But I did.
To be clear, this is where I ?believe? everything stands. W doesn't doubt that she loves me, doesn't want a D, but can't/won't give up contact with OM, doesn't think/know whether she loves him, and would be unhappy in a life without us. Now, the one side of my brain is completely enraged by this. How could anyone say that they love someone, etc., but not have the ability or even the desire to do what it takes to save that person? I guess part of my old thinking is that if she truly loved me and wanted this marriage, then she would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Maybe that's my misperception...again, these are her words, maybe her actions are speaking louder. I guess my only hope of survival at this point is to re-estalbish my familiarity with the DB principles and live life for the good moments that W and I do share (we still hug, kiss, exchange ILY's, are intimate, etc) and not dwell on what's going on behind my back.
This is a real crossroads for me, because I have to be stronger than I ever thought I was before. I think it was easier for me to DB when I thought she was actually working on saving this marriage, but now I have to realize that she is not playing an active role here. I have to stop focusing on her and being overly dependent on her love, affection, etc.
Well, that's about it for this morning I suppose. I have to pull myself together and try to find the path again. Thanks to all who have followed my journey.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
