At a turning point

[PArob]

GH

Let me begin by saying that your are so right on so many levels. Here's what I think:

You understand her lack of ability to cut these feelings off, and to just go cold turkey, right? So maybe it's time to sit her down and somehow get her to understand that while you understand what it's like, you also know that it has to stop, period. It can't be a gradual weaning off. It can't just dissolve into a nice little friendship. It has to be over. The gravity of the situation is too great for anything else.

I guess that's the point I'm trying to get across to her. I know that it is very hard, I know that. But the fact is, she did say some things, she did make promises. I like the crack addict analogy, because it is so right on. Maybe that should come across a little clearer, that it does have to stop. The point is, I don't know what she has said to him, I don't know what's going on. I do know he has feelings for her. A gradual weaning is not going to do the trick here...its not fair to me, not fair to her and, as much as I hate to say this, not fair to him.

This is where the other theories of dealing with A's comes in I think. Even in DB/DR, there comes a time when the A just needs to end, forcefully. I think DB/DR is designed to get you to the point where your WAS sees the value in YOUR relationship again, but I don't know how much it does in getting them to see the harm in continuing the A. I think those two things can be mutually exclusive.

I think you are absolutely 100% correct on this. The DB/DR principles are designed to get a WAS to see value in the relationship, in my opinion. She DOES see that value. I believe that. I believe that she DOES love me, I believe that this life she does want. I know that without this life, she would be very unhappy. So, what do I do with that knowledge? I think I need to employ just a bit of tough love here. I'm not saying I'm kicking her out or throwing in the towel, because I value my M way too much for that. But maybe its time for me to emotionally check out....I don't know, go dark to the best of my ability. My emotions are so caught up in this that I'm losing sight of who I am. Maybe if she sees that she can't continue to come home and glean whatever emotion she can from me, then maybe it will serve as a wake up call. Its a risk, I know, but at this point, for my well being, its a risk that I must take.

I would say that assuming she doesn't mean to keep those promises is a mistake on your part, just like assuming a crack addict doesn't love you enough just because the keep smoking crack.
Once the addict admits there is a problem, a HUGE hurdle is jumped and THEN it may be time for more aggressive efforts on the part of family and friends.

Yes, in an e-mail that I am drafting to her right now, I have said as much. Inability to fulfill these promises is not a mistake, she hasn't failed and she's not a failure. But, I can't continue hearing the promises and basing my emotional barometer on them.

You know what it's like to be where she is yet you only seem to get from that all the fears that the knowledge generates, and none of the empathy. Maybe, and I should have asked this before, you guys just don't bring up your A, and thats why you are slow to apply what you learned from it with your W. I don't know what the reason is, but you are expecting from her something that you were unable to do and yet here you are, still in this marriage even after NOT going cold turkey...food for thought

Yes, I know this too....I do have empathy here. I understand. I really don't think I'm trying to hold her to a higher standard than myself. We have brought up the A and discussed it to some degree and she knows the difficulties I had. I really am trying to apply those principles here.

Thanks so much for interest in my sitch GH...you have been so helpful in so many ways, truly!