Maybe time for a change in the way I talk about your sitch, and you approach it. I would love to see more people comment on this but here goes... She told you all those things right? A)this is what she wanted B) that this was her life C) that she was sorry D) that she was asking for fogiveness and E) that she made a mistake, she couldn't change the past but promised it would never happen again. Ok, so she made a promise. Sure, so were your vows, but this is a recent promise, made with the full awareness of what the alternative is. You understand her lack of ability to cut these feelings off, and to just go cold turkey, right? So maybe it's time to sit her down and somehow get her to understand that while you understand what it's like, you also know that it has to stop, period. It can't be a gradual weaning off. It can't just dissolve into a nice little friendship. It has to be over. The gravity of the situation is too great for anything else. This is where the other theories of dealing with A's comes in I think. Even in DB/DR, there comes a time when the A just needs to end, forcefully. I think DB/DR is designed to get you to the point where your WAS sees the value in YOUR relationship again, but I don't know how much it does in getting them to see the harm in continuing the A. I think those two things can be mutually exclusive. So, you may really be at a turning point. She expressed the desire to be with you, and recommitted herself to that via a series of promises. All you want to do now is help her define just what those promises meant to each of you, and help her keep them. I would say that assuming she doesn't mean to keep those promises is a mistake on your part, just like assuming a crack addict doesn't love you enough just because the keep smoking crack. Once the addict admits there is a problem, a HUGE hurdle is jumped and THEN it may be time for more aggressive efforts on the part of family and friends. I just think your W is confused still, but in a way that at least gives your side equal or much more than equal standing in the equation. Take advantage of that. Show her that you have grown. Use all these new powers of validation and empathy coupled with a little tough love. Show her that you are understanding of her feelings and you want to help her reach her goals of being with you and then remaining faithful. Tell her that you are willing to see her through whatever it takes to get to a trusting, open, loving marriage, but you need to at least have honesty from her. If she does indeed open up to you, and expresses her feelings, it will be on you at that point to either validate them, or consider them fighting words and proceed down the path of separation. Once again, I see elements of my sitch/W and Tim's in your sitch/W. I think my W would have a really tough time giving up this wonderful new life, and would fight to keep certain aspects of it even if she promised not to, and in my W's case, apparently this is not just one guy, but a network of friends. It's like a lifeline. You know all too well what that's like. Lastly, I am still going to slap you a little bit. I would really like to think you'd use your power of knowing both sides of this for not just our good, but yours too. You know what it's like to be where she is yet you only seem to get from that all the fears that the knowledge generates, and none of the empathy. Maybe, and I should have asked this before, you guys just don't bring up your A, and thats why you are slow to apply what you learned from it with your W. I don't know what the reason is, but you are expecting from her something that you were unable to do and yet here you are, still in this marriage even after NOT going cold turkey...food for thought.
