At a turning point

[PArob]

Yes, I think a lot of my feelings come from the fact that I have been to the edge and I know how addicting it is. I know for a fact that this is the same exact thing she is experiencing and it scares the living sh*t out of me. It was really tough for me to sort that out.

But, I want you to think about something GH, it should give you hope...in the long run. Eventually that spark died. At first it wasn't easy, but within 6 months of its beginning, it had faded. That's the thing to focus on.

If you cannot find a way to detach otherwise, maybe realize that you owe her some time to work this out since you obviously took some time to work yours out.

Yes, I am slowly coming to that realization now. Basically, she is giving me the same as I gave her. I was there, we lived "as if", but it was a separate thing when I was here at work. Why should, or could, I expect more? I expect to suffer quite a bit more....I guess the only thing more she is giving me right now than I gave to her then, is honestly about her emotions. I never let on that my emotions were still there for OW, my W has never denied her emotions for OM.

Or, is it that you feel that you only did what was right when you were pressured to?

Yeah, I think some resentment stems from that. I want to be able to say to her, "hey, I did what it took to make sure we stayed together when the chips were down, why can't you?" But, if I did, then I'm not being honest with her or with myself. I really didn't...I came back, withstood the pressure and eventually the spark died. And here is where my memory gets a little hazy. I do remember a good deal of pressure during that time, like I said, phone calls, constant reassurances, etc. but in hindsight, my W did a lot of acting "as if". She did a lot of 180's too. Started fixing herself up very nice, made sure she was dressed to the nines on Friday when I got home, even though we weren't going anywhere, more phsyical contact, etc. So, maybe in her own way...she was DBing, she just didn't have a name for it.

I know we have been through this, but it does bring back that question of DB vs Ultimatum again. Are you afraid that since pressure worked on you, and you are not TRYING to pressure her, that she may walk?

Again, based upon what I remember, there was pressure, but there was a lot of "as ifs"....many days she wouldn't mention the A, she wouldn't talk about the R, we went on with life, for the most part, like it didn't happen. So in a way, my sitch mirrors hers. I caught them together, confronted them, she goes away for the weekend, comes back, devotes herself to the M and trying to get over the emotions and wants to pick up life where it left off. I guess its now up to me to do the acting "as if" and follow through.

In short, don't give up hope here GH, I really thought I had nothing in my M, I saw every negative there ever was, I wasn't concenred that my girls might not grow up w/o daddy...I was, in short, all of those things, but in the end I did come around.