At a turning point

[PArob]

Okay, well, in light of my recent backslide, I've been doing some thing about a few things from my experience and I thought I would post for others to read as well, just in the event that others can learn from it. Please understand, that I am thorougly ashamed of my actions during that time, I wasn't a good person at all.

As I've said before, I am not new to this situation because I too once was a WAS back in 2004. So my experiences from the other side of the fence hopefully witll provide some insight. I guess number one, any feelings I had for the OW did NOT die overnight. When my W did find things out, it was a very harsh reality for her. In the weeks leading up to the her finding out, I was cold, distant, etc. My W knew something was up, but I lived in the land of denial. Eventually, she found a tm that I had sent to OW. She called me on the carpet and confronted me. The tm itself was fairly innocous, but telling enough. We fought very hard that night (I believe it was a Saturday). In any event, the next day came and I think I took of work on Monday. That day, my W was set to leave, she asked me if I wanted her to stay and I couldn't answer her. I strongly remember D10 (at the time D8) was completely distraught at the thought of leaving. W did leave, for about three hours and came home ... some of this is a blur. I tried convincing my W that nothing was up. Yeah, right. That week, things were moving along at a hectic pace, the OW was pressuring me because I had told her to back off, W was pressuring me because she knew something was up.

I lived in a world of lies. I was telling my W one thing (nothing was going on) and telling the OW another thing (I wanted to be with her, etc.). When I was around the OW, I downplayed the drama at home, made it seem like there was nothing worth saving (again, please do not judge me, I too was abducted by aliens). When I was at home, I tried to be the loving husband.

On that Friday, everything came to a screeching halt. I'm at work and all of a sudden W calls me, frantic, angry, etc, telling me that she had talked to the OW and that the OW had confirmed everything! At the same time while I was on the phone with W, OW came storming into my office demanding to know WTF was going on! I got OW out of my office and dealt with my W. Finally I admitted it, I admitted to being in love with OW. W was inconsolable, told me that I needed to get home right then and there or she was driving to my work with the three children and making a scene. Even in the midst of all this...I still went and talked to OW before leaving, basically being torn between my family and OW. I think at the time I even gave OW the impression that things weren't going to work

I got home, my wife confronted me again, but this time OW had forwarded all kinds of e-mails to W from me to her and her to me. Etc. Shameful stuff. Horrible. Basically, W was so beyond peeved, she was numb. At that point, she told me that either I needed to get away or she did. I told her that I would go to my dad's upstate. Never did we talk of ending it or continuing the M or R.

So I left on Friday, went to visit dad. Still unsure of what to do. While there, dad of course gave me the talk of doing what was right for the family etc, but then followed it up with, well you have to do what makes you happy. I should add that on the way up, W called me and accused me of going to see OW, which I hadn't.

Satruday comes, things explode even further. I got tms from W, tms from OW....apparently, they had been talking quite a bit. Way too much for my comfort level. W calls and tells me that I need to cut it off RIGHT NOW. So I called OW and basically gave her the speech. But I did it half-heartedly. Instead of cutting the cord, I felt bad for her and for myself because I was losing what I thought was a love. Stayed on the phone for 23 minutes. Called W back and told her that I had said it was over. Still, W and OW talked. I spent the whole day on the phone. At some point, my W thought it would be a great idea if all three of us got together and had a chat. WTF?? I agreed, not sure why, but I did. Told W I was coming back on Sunday to do that. Well, OW got cold feet (thank goodness) and said no way. I still came home on Sunday...a rainy day. I still remember W on the porch with a mutual friend of ours who then knew of the sitch.

I guess this is the real important part because this is where it gets into the sitch that I see myself in right now. Basically I had come home to make things right. Told my W that this was what I had wanted and everything. We didn’t talk much about anything, just kinda resumed our lives at that moment.. So Monday comes, I’m back to work and who do you think I ended up talking too? Of course, OW, I had NOT quit her. In fact, I was telling her that while I had come back to be with W, W was not taking it so well and it was likely that the M was over. The point being, even after all the proverbial sh*t hit the fan, I still did not quit OW. That week was completely horrible….my boss found out about the EA and she was less than pleased. By Friday, I had lost my position and was demoted to another position. I lost a good chunk of pay and my dignity, and several day suspension. I reported back to work on July 28, 2004 a Wednesday. Those days off were very surreal. My W had all the questions, all the “what ifs”, wanted all the reassurances, etc. Basically told me that I should never have any part of OW ever again.

Wednesday, I come to work…that first week, I did okay. Didn’t see OW because now I was on a different floor than her. Although I did run across her on several occasions during smoke breaks (just a side note, before A, W and I had given up smoking for nearly 3 ½ years, we started again). I tried to ignore her, but eventually over the course of the next few weeks we became chummy again. This went on for a couple of weeks. Big mistake, because I had been burned by this woman before…so what do you think she did?? You got it, she eventually let my W know all about it. Another exchange of e-mails, angry calls, etc. Finally, at that moment I knew that I had to make myself quit this woman or else!

I don’t think I had any contact with her after then. She used to call me regularly and I’d usually dodge the call, but every once in a while…… In the meantime, I was really working at home…and by working, I mean my W was really working. I can remember the “reassurance talks”, the constant “where were you when I called”, the “how much money do you need to spend”, etc. The fact is, I acted much like my W is acting right now when it came to R talk. Sit stone faced, say nothing, and never confirm. Example: When my W would ask me if I rather have her leave, the response: I didn’t say that. Guess what response I get when I ask that question now? I used to tell W that I loved her, and she would always follow up with “very much?” and I would say of course, very much. Yeah, not very reassuring.

See what I’m getting at? Yes, I was back….but did I beg for forgiveness? No. Was I remorseful? Not really. Did I do everything I could to really show my W that I came back out of pure love for her? Again, not really. I basically went on, day to day, like nothing was wrong. This was outward. How was I feeling inside? At first I hurt. I grieved the loss of OW, questioned whether I shouldn’t have pursued it further…etc, questioned whether W was the woman for me. Did I love my W, yes. Yes I did. I knew that I couldn’t live my life without her, but yet the nagging feelings for OW. I did backslide and talk to OW occasionally, even though I knew that if my W found out, it would be the end. Why? I have no idea.

Eventually, the OW transferred to another agency across town. By that time, the feelings were most gone (I say mostly, but not all). I had controlled my urges for some time and I didn’t feel the need to have OW in my life, but I did talk to her now and again, but its been at least a year now from the last time she called me and when she did at that time, none of the old feelings resurfaced. I had found love in my M, I had renewed my wedding vows.

Sorry this is an extremely long post, but on two levels, its is helpful. One, to those LBS’s, please do not give up hope! Secondly, to me, now I see the true error of my ways and must recognize that my W ate a lot more than I am right now and she still stuck by me.

Thanks for reading…..