Indeed! I've been thinking about that for a good part of the day. My W, despite all this, is kind and loving and I know when she sees me in pain it then becomes a task for her to fix-it. I must evaluate my moods and make adjustments accrodingly!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Some interesting things to note for today. What a learning process this has all been for me. Before that, in terms of journaling, not much happening really. W didn't have to go in for overtime tonight which left us a few hours to actually spend together. All in all, I did an okay job with masking emotions, but there were still there. *sigh* This will get easier, I know it...
In any event, I only wish I knew then what I know now. Validation. What a powerful concept in any relationship...had I known any of this before, maybe everything could have been avoided, but I guess its better late than never. This concept permeates every one of the principles we all have been trying to employ...
My reading list the past couple of days includes "I Don't Have to Make Everything OK" by the Lundbergs, which I strongly suggest to anyone on this board, and "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", by John Gray. Both very, very empowering books. At the very least, the concepts contained in these books will enhance any relationship, whether it is personal or business. At the very least, my next ex-wife will appreciate it
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Okay, once again, my big mouth has gotten me into trouble. It all started innocently enought, as these things often do. I was getting ready for work this morning when I tried to put the bathrroom drawer to go back in, it wouldn't. WTH? I pulled it out and found that some of my W's personal hygiene products fell behind it. When I pulled it out, out dropped a jewelry box with a necklace in it. Okay, not an expensive piece, a Wal-Mart Disney job, but this is the piece that my W had commented on on Friday when she went shopping. She mentioned it to me. I asked why she didn't buy it, and she said they were out of them. Oh, I see a valentine's gift in my futre. This is the same day that I found the letter from OM telling her how much he loves her. In the meantime, W had mentioned to me that she might go to the other area Wal Mart to see if they had any in stock.
So, I find this piece and immediately the questions start flying....why didn't she tell me she bought it? Why did she let me believe that I could buy it for her for V-day? On and on. So of course, like the emotionally detached and cool guy that I am, I confronted her (sarcasm intended). *sigh* of course this led to a huge R talk, which basically means I talk and she says nothing.
I really wish I could trust her, I really wish I had faith in her committment to be with me. But I can't at this point. However, I will try to stop and focus on what good I do have. She is with me, as far as I know, she hasn't been with OM for a while, she still says ILY, we are still intimate, she still loves me.
What is wrong with me??????
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I really wish I could trust her, I really wish I had faith in her committment to be with me. But I can't at this point. However, I will try to stop and focus on what good I do have. She is with me, as far as I know, she hasn't been with OM for a while, she still says ILY, we are still intimate, she still loves me.
What is wrong with me??????
Ok Rob, I am not doing well myself right now, but I need to slap you. Guy, you are screwing this up. If you have not already, go to this thread:
Someone in a thread I read lately said that the best way to get good advice is to find someone who's successful at what you are trying to do and ask them. I have found it VERY helpful to read some of the success stories instead of our threads that are all going who-knows-where. I am reading a thread by Optimust that I am about 1/2 way through. He is just getting to the point where he (oh God, this sounds like I am recapping a soap opera) is understanding his lack of control over his W and his need to detach, etc. There is a lot of good stuff to read there. Anyway, I don't mean to sound harsh, but you HAVE to understand where you are right now. I am in a place where my W want's nothing to do with me or our R. YOU are in a place where your W is with you and says she wants to work on the M. WHO KNOWS if she's telling the truth. You CAN'T just trust her, which is why you need to DB harder than ever. As much as I have questioned the DB principals of late, I really believe in YOUR situation, they are totally appropriate. You HAVE to find a way to NOT care about the potential OM or A. In time, she may come clean, but for right now, for any number of reasons, which may be a far cry from her hiding an A from you (i.e. she doesn't want to stall the progress in your R, she doesn't want to hurt you by telling you ANYTHING about the OM, etc.). I just hate to see you getting the validation I would LOVE to get from my W and throw it away because you are still stuck on finding out just what you W is thinking or doing all the time. Trust is earned, but at some point we all take a leap of pure faith to enter into trust with our mate. We will never know everything about them, their past, or the way they think. We just know that we are comfortable placing our most protected feelings in their care. Are you comfortable doing that right now? I think you are not. Is that normal? I think it is, so, what are you left with? Detachment, self maintenance, observation (read: NOT SNOOPING) and unconditional love. Man, you need to just DO IT. I feel like Leia telling Obiwan that you're the only hope...you are not, but I am SO pulling for you. I feel like I will do anything to help you succeed, even if it's for selfish reasons (so I have hope for my sitch). You are a friend, and I really think you have a shot at this. Please, do what you need to do for your sake. It's hard, but you must.
Oh man, I'm just in a really bad place right now. There are so many inconsistencies, things that I just don't understand....she goes out in the mornings when no one is around, at least she has on at least two occasions in the past couple of weeks. On at least one, on the 13th, she went out and she DOESN'T tell me about it. She runs out right after I go to work. Usually if she's going to do errands, she will tell me....but....
I found a receipt from McDonald's on 1/13 at 8:54 am, she called me from home at 8:23 am when I was on my way to work. She had no errands...this Mcd's is out of her way....so WTF???
Just like this past Friday, she had some errands, but made sure she stopped at Burger King in the morning. Now, you have to know my W, eating is not her strong suite....all of a sudden, its stops at fast food restaurants??? I know there is more....
Like this necklace she supposedly bought for herself, it was $19.88, the check from Wal Mart was $25.19....now I know she bought more stuff that totalled more than six bucks!
Oh man, this is bad....I want to call her on the carpet. This is all after she told me this is want she wanted!!??
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Hold on Rob. You are where I was the other night. What do you really know? She ate a cheeseburger a couple times? She may or may not have bought a necklace for herself? Man, if it were me, I would feel like doing just what you are suggesting, but is that going to help or hurt your situation? Sure, you may feel better for a few minutes but in the long run I think you would not, especially if there are reasonable excuses for all of this. I am just making sure you are not going to react to your emotions like I did. Again, the fact is that in DBing, the OM or A is not the issue, it is YOU and how you do for yourself. In terms of your W, it is about her seeing changes in you that make you more attractive than the OM. That is not the goal necessarily but it is the way they do come back to us for the most part. If you do this thing, you show her you are still the insecure, paranoid, snooping, and untrusting. She may be showing you that she is untrustworthy among other things, but she has been that for a long time. What has changed? Well, she is home with you. She is paying lip service to working on the R, and she likes what she was seeing in you. Those are positive. The rest is status quo for her. YOU cannot remain status quo. You have to keep on the path to self happiness. You have to detach. Basically, you need to do what you KNOW to do. DO NOT REACT to these things you are "finding". I would suggest not cleaning the house since you seem to "find" these things whenever you do (lol). Rob, please stay strong. Do not give in. Please, do not give in. If you must, pay attention to the signs, but it would be better if you did not because it hinders your own growth. Do not react on them.
Man GH, I'm really broken here....I mean I know you're right, but WTF? How can she act so innocent like when she's been toying with my emotions? I can't stand the lies. I know, maybe its a case of "ask no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies" but damnit, it has to stop sometime!
This is eating me up...I am fighting the urge really hard. I know there is truth and wisdom in what you are saying...I do....I'm trying to stick to my princples....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
How can she act so innocent like when she's been toying with my emotions? I can't stand the lies. I know, maybe its a case of "ask no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies" but damnit, it has to stop sometime!
First of all, she's not toying with your emotions, she is probably just dealing with hers. Let me ask you this: What if she told you "Rob, ok, it's true, I have still been seeing the OM since I've been back. He did buy me the necklace. I am still conflicted. I still have feelings for him but I know I want to be with you. I guess I am still working things out. Again, I want to be with you, I know that but I am having a hard time just quitting him." What would you do? Would you tell her to leave? Would you issue an ultimatum? What would you do? I ask because that may be what you hear if you push her. It could be worse, but likely that is the worst going through your mind, right? Does it change anything? Only you can answer that question. Like you've heard a thousand times, only you can decide when you've had enough. Just make sure you make that decision when you decide to, not when your emotions do.
Aww man GH, you shouldn't be so darn right. But it is true I suppose, what if I do go off half baked with these emotions....what if....I don't know man. If she is feeling that way, I guess it would be nice to know instead of believing that things are okay. I guess I'm calming down, at least my emotion right now isn't anger....its just, well, I don't know....
Thanks for your support here at a time when I really need it. I don't know what I'll do, but you have given me a lot to ponder.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Good. Now one other thing to ponder. What is the difference between this "needing to know" and the needing to know that leads to snooping, etc? Also, once again, so what if you do know? What will you change? More snooping? Kick her out? Yell more? File for D? None of those things are moving you towards your goal, so neither does knowing this...today. Tomorrow is a different day.
