At a turning point

[WantToSaveIt]

Well, I don't mean to be redundant or to hijack, but I identify intensly with alot of what GH says here, so I'll play off of that, and also because I still see you PArob as in a much better position that I am/was because you have a great shot at avoiding my mistakes:

You HAVE to stop asking her for validation of your fears.
Yup. I did this constantly. We would get into R talks constantly, most often spurred by me, whether intentionally or intentionally, and I would start talking in hypotheticals, unknowns and unpredictables to read her reaction. Sometimes I would even go so far as to not-so-subtly hint how I would react, and even make veiled threats and warnings. Either way, passive or aggressive or both I was being manipulative.


Just focus on you, what YOU KNOW, not what you think you know.
I think you (rob) just gave me similar advice in my daily sitch update. Good advice.

Remember me last night. NOT GOOD. Like Tim has said to me many times, look to my sitch and DON'T do that.
Ditto. I might be out of the woods by now if I did stuff differently 9 months ago. Stay on target.

I know it is the only way, but sometimes lack of patience gets in teh way....
Yes, indeed it does. I have the same problem, coupled with an overactive mind and a short fuse when it comes to reacting to something I THINK is going on.

Same problem with me. You're not alone. I have an active imagination, working paranoia, little patience and fragile ego. We want it fixed and want it fixed NOW, so we can feel safe again. But in retrospect, it is highly, highly, possible that even though some of the language I read in emails between W and OM was "bogus". Not to dismiss the language, or say "nothing was going on", but it is very possible that it was nothing more than a fantasy for one or both of them, and deep down I want to believe that deep down in my W's heart she knew it was just a fantasy. And maybe if I just left it alone it would have died on it's own.


Remember what my W said to me "You are STILL doing it!"
I thought I was changing, but really I was just trying to do whatever I thought I needed to do to get her attention and then I just went back to my old ways. DO NOT DO THIS.
Absolutely, I couldn't agree more. I don't if I went "back to my old ways" so much, but I certainly "kept doing it", doing it meaning, looking at her and expecting a certain reaction, expecting her to say "I love you" or say it a certain way, expecting her to give me kisses and shower me with affection or expecting her to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong, I'm so in love with you, more than ever and I want to grow old and happy with you," or ... you get the point.
It reached the point that we stopped marriage counseling and she went to solo (and so did I) just so she could get validation that it was ok for her to feel and act a certain way, because she knew she was being dishonest (of course she was being dishonest about no contact with OM too) towards me and acting a certain way just so that "I would not be disappointed". She could see I was changing, but because I was obviously "looking for something", the changes appeared phony and she could see right through me.

Don't do that. Don't put pressure on her.

You are at a really crucial point. You are where Tim was months ago and screwed up by pushing and pressuring
Ditto again. I can't stress enough how you need to stay here on this site, listen to advice and experience and keep reading. I actually came here and maybe one or two other "save your marriage" type forums within a week after discovery last May. I devoured Michelle's books and some others. I talked to a co-worker who was a WAW and came back. I let my rage, fears, anger, paranoia, pride, suspicions and everything else take control and I turned to hacking and spying and fretting and anxiety and lame and pathetic behavior instead of turning to support and listening to what other say to keep balanced, stay focused and calm and remain positive.

most of all, not forming expectations about how your W should be acting/speaking.
Yes again.

You can't KNOW what she's thinking right now so until the lines of communication are fully open, stop trying to figure it out.
Could just as easily be applied to my sitch.

You're doing good PArob. Don't fall down.