At a turning point

[PArob]

*SIGH* so here we go again. I've already recounted much of this story in GH's thread (sorry man), but I want to add extra thoughts and views here in my own thread.

So Friday I had all the good goals in mind. Went home whistling a tune and looking forward to a good weekend. I got home and W was sleeping on the couch. She worked quite a bit of overtime this week and she deserved some rest. So I figure its a good time to do some cleanup and straighten up the house so she won't stress over it when she gets up. I went upstairs and find her purse in our bedroom with the wallet out on the floor. I pick up the wallet to put it back in her purse and see a piece of note book paper sticking out of it. Knowing that I shouldn't even look at it, I still do. Well, of course, it turns out to be a love letter from OM to W. I'm shocked, I'm hurt, I'm reeling. But I say to my self, I can't let it affect me. I must put it back and act "as if" I never saw it. So, after I made a copy, I did put it back (see how much I detached from it?) and went downstairs. She woke up and we were fairly cordial. She goes upstairs and sees her purse on the floor next to the bed. Immediately she accuses me of moving it. Keep in mind, I hadn't, but she says who moved my purse and was going through it? I said not me! She asks the girls and they deny it. Great, now I'm the only one with the motive. So, I'm starting to get worked up because I know that she knows why she is reacting this way. So of course I break out with, why, you got something to hide? She of course denies it. I count to ten in my head and let it pass. Friday night ends cooly, but okay.

Saturday is here. I tell myself in the morning that I must let it go, detach and move on. This works pretty good for a few hours, but W is acting pretty distant and, for lack of a better term, moody. Great combo! I take a motorcycle ride to clear my thoughts, take out some aggressions. I come home and we take the girls out bowling. W is still "off" but I try to lighten things up. So last night, we sitting around drinking a couple beers, listening to music and I can see the conversation escalating (initiated by me because I have to know why she is being distant!). Well, one thing leads to another and I finally spill my guts. Of course, she gets completely indignant and tells me that I had NO right to read that letter! WHAT?? This is coming from the person that used to regularly check my e-mails, my phone, my computer log, my wallet, etc...and I have no right? Okay, maybe I don't but sheesh! In any event, things cool off, I told her that I was sorry for reading it in the first place (what heppened to that spine I used to have, anyone see it?) and off to bed we go.

This morning I woke up early, thoughts abound in my head. I gave W a back rub and went downstairs. this is her day to sleep in before going back to work. I decided that I needed to write a note, telling her that I was sorry for being such an ogre, telling her that I understand her need for my patience and space and telling her that I am here for her, through better or worse. Nothing real sappy, just telling her that I recognize that this isn't about me personally.

So, here are some of my thoughts about this whole sitch. Yeah, I screwed up. Shouldn't have looked, shouldn't have said anything. But in a way, I feel kind of good about it..and if I would have played my cards right, I think I would have felt even better. See, here's the thing, his letter validated some things that W told me. He started out by saying that it seems that don't get time to talk anymore (awww) and he wanted to tell her some things going on inside his head. This is where the mushy stuff comes, about waking up next to her, staring into her eyes, so on, so on. My first thought, that's the sort of pathetic notes I used to write about three months ago when desparation kicked in. So hopefully he'll write some more and start applying the pressure, enough to drive her back to me!! Okay, wishful thinking, but still......

In fact the only portion of the note that really irks me (well two things) is when he says "you used to joke about how I should kidnap you....and I would if it weren't for D10, D8 and D5...". Okay, not cool that she joked about being kidnapped. But what really irks me is that he referred to our girls....by NAME. And what's worse, he spelled them wrong (the D's each have uniquelly spelled names, not his fault but something about it really, reallly bugs me).

So, I've come full circle this weekend. I think I've found my center again and I'm ready to face W when she wakes up. Lesson learned: emotional detachment in the face of everything. Her emotions, moods, feelings are not for me to take personally. She has a lot of stress in her life, I shouldn't become part of that stress. I truly love her enough to give her the space she needs to find herself.

I hope everyone else has a good Sunday. I've seen that GH and Tim, in particular are starting the days off bad. Guys, if you read this, find your center. Re-focus and worry about the one thing in this life that you can change. You.