Ok Lisa, I FREAKING HATE YOU! Now you made me cry...AT WORK! Fun trying to cover this up. I am not a fan of his, or really that song so I did not know the lyrics. WOW. I will read them again when I get home, and get the song too. What truth in that there is. It is very simply but it so accurately portrays the feeling of aloneness that we all feel. The message is clear, and for many of us, too late.
sorry, here is the sitch in a nutshell. Thanks for your insight!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Hands GH a box of Kleenex (for the nose only in case I need it back!)
Yeah, Don Henley is the shiznit to me (too bad he's married)...you wanna make me cry, sheesh just put on Wasted Time by the Eagles...that will get my tears flowing most of the time. And Sunset Grill makes me terribly homesick and will often make me lose a couple of tears...how the man even wrote a song about the burger joint where I grew up...amazing...yeah, we should be married.
Quote: If fact, it was probably that detachment (but detachment without being "lovingly supportive") that got us into this predicament in the first place.
Come on guys, how many of you relished those Sunday afternoons when our wives would be out all day and the longer, the better, so we could watch Petyton Manning or Shaun Alexander in peace, or play Doom 3 in the study, or whack off to internet porn in the basement, or whatever self-gratifying waste of time we choose for ourselves. For the longest time, the most anxious I ever got was concerned over the longer she was gone, the more worried I got about how big the stack of credit card reciepts would be when she returned.
Sheesh, how true this is. I can remember those times very vividly. Makes me feel kinda sad and guilty all at the same time.
Very strange, in my sitch it has been a complete role reversal where I'm playing the part of my W prior to the EA and she's being me. She was always very insecure about our relationship and would constantly seek reassurances from me on every level. I used to get at least two or three calls at work from home each day. I used to get the "do you love me" questions, etc. Used to bug the heck out of me, but hey, I loved her and I went along with it....doesn't mean I liked it. Fast forward to now, I'm doing, or was, the exact same things to her. I'm the one who agonizes over her whereabouts, I'm the one seeking reassurances, I'm the one who feels as though I am "just there" in my home. Boo!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Okay, now I'm just writing to get some thoughts together here and really emotionally gear myself up for the weekend. I have goals. Those goals are to have a good, unemotional time with W, spend some quality time with the girls, avoid OM talk and have a few beers!
Thinking on everything, I am aware that I am hypersensitive to her actions, moods and feelings. I have been taking steps to not let them affect me and that has occured to some degree. But thinking on some of this stuff, it has occurred to me that, in reality, she does not act or feel much differently than she had before. Strange, in fact she has increased contact with me when she is at work (more tms everynight...before I would send her one before bed time and she would send me one back). Other than that, she's pretty much the same, without questioning my committment to her. So what reason do I have to be so attached to her moods and feelings? I really need to keep these things in mind for today, and tomorrow.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
You are just sensitive to not making mistakes. All of us acknowledge that we played a part in the demise of our marriage. You have acknowledged that and now, in reconciliation, you want to make sure you don't do whatever it was again. Normal. Also, detachment is scary because you may be afraid she will perceive it as you being cold, or uncaring. That's why I think it's important for you to keep thinking of detaching is ONLY controlling or negating your reaction to her emotions/moods/actions/words, and mainly controlling your reactions to the negative iterations for right now. Also, the things that form in your mind, i.e. why didn't she call, etc. are not to be reacted to either. They are even more insidious than reality and need to be detached from or eliminated. Ah, but it's also important to keep centered (your words, I like them) in the face of her positive emotions as well. Realize that she's got a TON of stuff going through her mind. She may be acting "normal" but she's no more normal than you, and lest you forget, you've spent a LONG time reading, posting, and being introspective about all this. You've gotten help. I bet she's just still living with this on her own, or possibly venting to friends. C helps, but again, you have done more that C. I am rooting for you SO much. I think you have a GREAT shot at this. Keep up the good work and keep us posted!
Such wise words indeed. You know, I like the idea of a step in detaching as controlling those reactions....I think I see it a bit more clearly now. Yes, I can control those reactions and still show her support. That makes sense.
Quote: Realize that she's got a TON of stuff going through her mind. She may be acting "normal" but she's no more normal than you, and lest you forget, you've spent a LONG time reading, posting, and being introspective about all this. You've gotten help. I bet she's just still living with this on her own, or possibly venting to friends. C helps, but again, you have done more that C.
And there's another wrinkle that I may have giving a passing thought, but no real contemplation. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a whole lot of close friends or family whom she would trust to vent to. She really IS dealing with this by herself.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
*SIGH* so here we go again. I've already recounted much of this story in GH's thread (sorry man), but I want to add extra thoughts and views here in my own thread.
So Friday I had all the good goals in mind. Went home whistling a tune and looking forward to a good weekend. I got home and W was sleeping on the couch. She worked quite a bit of overtime this week and she deserved some rest. So I figure its a good time to do some cleanup and straighten up the house so she won't stress over it when she gets up. I went upstairs and find her purse in our bedroom with the wallet out on the floor. I pick up the wallet to put it back in her purse and see a piece of note book paper sticking out of it. Knowing that I shouldn't even look at it, I still do. Well, of course, it turns out to be a love letter from OM to W. I'm shocked, I'm hurt, I'm reeling. But I say to my self, I can't let it affect me. I must put it back and act "as if" I never saw it. So, after I made a copy, I did put it back (see how much I detached from it?) and went downstairs. She woke up and we were fairly cordial. She goes upstairs and sees her purse on the floor next to the bed. Immediately she accuses me of moving it. Keep in mind, I hadn't, but she says who moved my purse and was going through it? I said not me! She asks the girls and they deny it. Great, now I'm the only one with the motive. So, I'm starting to get worked up because I know that she knows why she is reacting this way. So of course I break out with, why, you got something to hide? She of course denies it. I count to ten in my head and let it pass. Friday night ends cooly, but okay.
Saturday is here. I tell myself in the morning that I must let it go, detach and move on. This works pretty good for a few hours, but W is acting pretty distant and, for lack of a better term, moody. Great combo! I take a motorcycle ride to clear my thoughts, take out some aggressions. I come home and we take the girls out bowling. W is still "off" but I try to lighten things up. So last night, we sitting around drinking a couple beers, listening to music and I can see the conversation escalating (initiated by me because I have to know why she is being distant!). Well, one thing leads to another and I finally spill my guts. Of course, she gets completely indignant and tells me that I had NO right to read that letter! WHAT?? This is coming from the person that used to regularly check my e-mails, my phone, my computer log, my wallet, etc...and I have no right? Okay, maybe I don't but sheesh! In any event, things cool off, I told her that I was sorry for reading it in the first place (what heppened to that spine I used to have, anyone see it?) and off to bed we go.
This morning I woke up early, thoughts abound in my head. I gave W a back rub and went downstairs. this is her day to sleep in before going back to work. I decided that I needed to write a note, telling her that I was sorry for being such an ogre, telling her that I understand her need for my patience and space and telling her that I am here for her, through better or worse. Nothing real sappy, just telling her that I recognize that this isn't about me personally.
So, here are some of my thoughts about this whole sitch. Yeah, I screwed up. Shouldn't have looked, shouldn't have said anything. But in a way, I feel kind of good about it..and if I would have played my cards right, I think I would have felt even better. See, here's the thing, his letter validated some things that W told me. He started out by saying that it seems that don't get time to talk anymore (awww) and he wanted to tell her some things going on inside his head. This is where the mushy stuff comes, about waking up next to her, staring into her eyes, so on, so on. My first thought, that's the sort of pathetic notes I used to write about three months ago when desparation kicked in. So hopefully he'll write some more and start applying the pressure, enough to drive her back to me!! Okay, wishful thinking, but still......
In fact the only portion of the note that really irks me (well two things) is when he says "you used to joke about how I should kidnap you....and I would if it weren't for D10, D8 and D5...". Okay, not cool that she joked about being kidnapped. But what really irks me is that he referred to our girls....by NAME. And what's worse, he spelled them wrong (the D's each have uniquelly spelled names, not his fault but something about it really, reallly bugs me).
So, I've come full circle this weekend. I think I've found my center again and I'm ready to face W when she wakes up. Lesson learned: emotional detachment in the face of everything. Her emotions, moods, feelings are not for me to take personally. She has a lot of stress in her life, I shouldn't become part of that stress. I truly love her enough to give her the space she needs to find herself.
I hope everyone else has a good Sunday. I've seen that GH and Tim, in particular are starting the days off bad. Guys, if you read this, find your center. Re-focus and worry about the one thing in this life that you can change. You.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thanx Rob You are doing good! Keep focused on yourself! This morning is the first morning where I feel centered and focused in on my self, and I am willing to except the outcomes preseted to me. It took some drastic moves that I do not want you to do! I know you can be one of those people who writes a success story at the end of this!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Thanks Tim, in actuality, you're one of those guys that give me hope no matter how this turns out. I'm glad to hear that you're feeling good about yourself. That's very important. Keep it up!
Things here are okay today. After this morning she read my note and apologized, etc. In any event, both our moods changed for the better today. Lets hope I can keep up my end of the bargain for the week. That's my number one goal this week....stay focused and detached.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
