Well, so far today is a down day. If I were to read my emotional fuel gauge, its probably at a 3. In many respects, it has been a trying week. W worked a lot of overtime, which basically meant that we saw each other for a total of a half hour each day. Essentially, I got a taste of what life would be like if we were separated. All in all, emotionally, I was more ambivalent than anything. Had a crying jag on Wednesday night, but then recovered nicely. Am I emotionally detached? Not even half way there. I still play off of her moods. As the week wears on, she gets more tired and less loving. A normal response for sure, but I find myself going right down the hill with her. I don't try to cheer her up, but it puts me into a serious funk.
On a more positive note, I do see some progress in detaching. At times, i have some many questions, dobuts, etc. that used to gnaw at me incessantly until I let them out usually in a battle with W. I've found that this isn't the case as much anymore. Is this detachment or just giving up? As an example, last night. W usually sends a bunch of tms from work basically just saying what she's up to, the ILY's, etc. Its a good way to for us to connect when we don't see each other during the day. In any event, last night I get one at the usual time (around 11). I respond and typically she responds within a certain time thereafter. I know, it sounds silly when I write it down. Last night she didn't. Didn't hear from her at all until well after 3, but its the process I went through before that that surprised me. Before, i would have been out of mind with questions, etc. whether she got sent home early and decided to ditch the night with OM (it's happened before), whether she just doesn't care to respond. Everything used to run through my mind and it would literally keep me up half the night. Last night, those feelings started to arise and I was able to quelch them. I told myself that I do not KNOW anything, and furthermore, even if she is doing something, what the heck was I going to do about it? Turns out, I fell asleep pretty quickly after that.
There really isn't any more to the story (it turns out that she was rather busy and had tried to send a message, but it didn't send and she did touch base with me after I had falled asleep). But I guess what surprises me the most are my reactions. I still have them, no doubt, but they are less....intense?
Again, is it emotional detachment or just resignation. I have my doubts about the former.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
