At a turning point

[PArob]

Its been awhile since I posted, but in the meantime, I have been following the various situations here and am exceptionally pleased to follow TMU’s, err, grasshoppers journey to an emotional center. GH, you have come such a long way and I applaud you. Overall, the comments of everyone here have been very insightful and continue to learn everyday. That being said, since my last post, I’ve been trying to find that emotional center and learn to love myself. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can yet claim to have found it, but my journey is only just begun.

Since my last post things have been going fairly well with my sitch. My W continues to express a desire to work through all of this and has made it known to me that being with me is where she wants to be. That feels really good in a lot of ways, but yet I don’t as though the ordeal is over, but has yet just begun. I struggle with a mixed bag of emotions and really am not so sure what to make of some things. As a result, I guess I’m just looking for a third party opinion to slap me back into place.

NYS, you’re posts are so insightful. To me, it seems as though you have journeyed very far on the path to detaching and strengthening your internal “locus of control” so to speak. In sharing your thoughts, I learn so much, but recognize that I have so much work to do. To now, I have paid lip-service to detachment, but haven’t really put those principles into action for the most part, although I do believe that I have made some progress in the last month because I can at least identify when my moods are a result of her actions or words and make an attempt to separate myself from them. I’m not always successful and indeed there are times when despite my best efforts, I still react, but it definitely is not at the same level that it was two or three months ago.

As an example of where things have been going since my last post, here is an actual quote from a letter that she wrote me last weekend:

PLEASE know that I love you so very much and I am so VERY sorry about everything, more than I can express. I want my life back. Please know I am trying to move on with all I got. I hope you can be patient and wait for me. This is where I want to be. Please know this. YOU are my life I KNOW THAT. I NEED to work out my emotions and I WILL. I LOVE YOU.

Yet, despite my W’s intentions and expressed desire to be with me, I still question whether she has had the required “self-reflection” to determine whether this is who she really is or whether she is determined to make it work out of fear, guilt, etc. The point being, I wonder where I need to go from here. I still believe that I need to emotionally detach for a variety of reasons, most importantly because I recognize that I have been overly dependent upon my relationship with my W and as a result, still find my emotions and feelings reacting to her emotions, moods and feelings. Secondly, she still works with OM and has acknowledged to me that she has to deal with her emotions for him which leads me to believe that a backslide could occur at any moment.


I guess I’m really confused as to where I go from here. I want to acknowledge that somewhere in our life prior to this, I wasn’t fulfilling her emotional needs and I want to find out what those needs where so I can address them now. But I don’t know how to approach any of this. How can I be detached and yet striving to fulfill her emotional needs at the same time? Is it possible?

Sorry for the rant, but I’m just looking for some insight at this point and given the wisdom of the various posters on this board, I felt secure in coming here for it. Thanks much.

[NYsurvivor]

The point being, I wonder where I need to go from here.

I think that is the point, regardless of what your W wrote you, which may just be a mixed message to keep you in her comfort zone or not, that you need to know your own path for your own self, and live that, as if she's never to return.

I wasn't fulfilling her emotional needs and I want to find out what those needs where so I can address them now. But I don't know how to approach any of this. How can I be detached and yet striving to fulfill her emotional needs at the same time? Is it possible?

Yes, of course it is. Read the recent posts about what detaching is and is not, I think it's on grasshopper's thread. Detaching is more about re-wiring yourself not to be so dependent where your reactions are an outcome to someone else's actions or from situations. It does not block the ability to be supportive or validative or loving.

If she hasn't indicated to you what her emotional needs may be, try reading "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. If your memory doesn't stir up some 'connect the dot' moments for you, then just go at all of them and see what works.

[grasshopper]

How can I be detached and yet striving to fulfill her emotional needs at the same time? Is it possible?

Ok NYS, please do your thing so I don't have to quote you on this...lol.

First of all, glad to have you back. Not that it's good you're still having issues but...

If you have been keeping up with my thread, you know this detachment thing is my major focus right now. NYS has been a HUGE help in that, as has reading the Four Agreements.
To me, it seems not only possible to detach and still fulfill emotional needs, but in some ways easier. I am one who easily gets pulled down by my W's negative emotions to the point that I am so bad I can't support her. I think it's one of the main issues that plagues our marriage. If she was crying, I just got really upset and instead of validating, I would do ANYTHING to get her to stop just so I could not be upset anymore. It was a really uncaring thing to do.
Now, I feel more at ease with her emotional swings and can better maintain my calm and support her, as much as she will allow, through whatever she's going through.

I think where you are at is really exciting. Just don't fall into the trap of expectation. Hear what she says. Watch what she does, and accept it.
Keep working yourself, "getting centered" and keep us posted.
Again, nice to see you again!

GH

[NYsurvivor]

If she was crying, I just got really upset and instead of validating, I would do ANYTHING to get her to stop just so I could not be upset anymore. It was a really uncaring thing to do.

Whether it's because it upset you or one is thinking it "fixes" things, "please don't cry" and/or "you shouldn't cry because..." invalidates what the person is feeling. Another good book I'd recommend is "I Don't Have To Make Everything Better" by Lundberg & Lundberg.

[WantToSaveIt]

Since my last post things have been going fairly well with my sitch. My W continues to express a desire to work through all of this and has made it known to me that being with me is where she wants to be.
Good. Take her word for it and dont' let doubt, fear and anger over betrayal cloud your actions or your changes or behavior like I did.

That feels really good in a lot of ways, but yet I don’t as though the ordeal is over, but has yet just begun.
Focus on the feeling good and let it show. Don't let the doubt and fear take over. That leads to the dark side.

I struggle with a mixed bag of emotions and really am not so sure what to make of some things.
Worry about what's going on with you. If you continually do reality-checks on your W or OM (which you really can't do anyway), you'll form your own reality of what the truth is in your head, and, if you're like me, that reality can be wrong. And even if it's right, it can cause you to do things that will perpetuate that reality, which may not if you just leave it alone. Do reality-checks on yourself, not them.

To now, I have paid lip-service to detachment, but haven’t really put those principles into action for the most part,
I screwed up here too. I plowed through the book in the first week of crisis and all I wanted was answers, solutions and a quick resolution to soothe my soul and make me feel safe and better. The advice I read ended up going in one eye and out the other.

PLEASE know that I love you so very much and I am so VERY sorry about everything, more than I can express. I want my life back. Please know I am trying to move on with all I got. I hope you can be patient and wait for me. This is where I want to be. Please know this. YOU are my life I KNOW THAT. I NEED to work out my emotions and I WILL. I LOVE YOU.
I recieve a very similiar email from my wife at work a few weeks after discovery and confrontation. Whether she was sincere or not is besides the point. Rather than have faith, I immediately tried to validate the truth and honesty by hacking into messages and found out that EA was continuing. Guess what I focused on?


Yet, despite my W’s intentions and expressed desire to be with me, I still question whether she has had the required “self-reflection” to determine whether this is who she really is or whether she is determined to make it work out of fear, guilt, etc.
I too tried to test her to find out what her motivations were. I dropped words like "divorce" and "seperation" and "why prolong this?" and "it will be better now instead of stringing me along for another 6 months to 2 years when you decided the time is right to make your move" just to see how she would react. And was she avoiding the notion of divorce or seperation because of guilt, or how she would be percieved in the eyes of family? Or because she was afraid of making a mistake? Or because her life would be living hell without me around to help with the kids, house, etc.? Or did she truly want to get back those loving feelings and save our marriage for US?

The point being, I wonder where I need to go from here. I still believe that I need to emotionally detach
I'm fairly new here and don't feel very qualified to give advice, but I think you answered your question.


I have been overly dependent upon my relationship with my W and as a result, still find my emotions and feelings reacting to her emotions, moods and feelings.
You just described me to a 'T' and how I reacted to my W's emotions, moods and feelings I now realize had a direct impact on this roller-coaster ride, which may well be over now for the better (I don't know that for a fact, just speculation), if I did things alot differently from the beginning.

Secondly, she still works with OM and has acknowledged to me that she has to deal with her emotions for him which leads me to believe that a backslide could occur at any moment.
Your wife has a choice. Make yourself the better choice. If she doesn't choose you, then she made the wrong choice, but at least you didn't.

I guess I’m really confused as to where I go from here.
I don't think you're confused. It sounds like you've picked up on alot of the things you need to do. Just don't make the mistakes I made and ignore them because of fear, anxiety, anger, jealousy, etc. etc.


I want to acknowledge that somewhere in our life prior to this, I wasn’t fulfilling her emotional needs and I want to find out what those needs where so I can address them now.
I don't know your situation, but in my case this got pointed out to me real quick. The only problem is I tried too hard to remedy this and tried so hard to fulfil these emotional needs that I came off as phony and insincere. I was also trying to "compete" with OM and my mind was running around frantically, feeling like I had to play catch-up to him and all it did was push her away, and probably towards him.

But I don’t know how to approach any of this.
Don't panic.
--Douglas Adams

How can I be detached and yet striving to fulfill her emotional needs at the same time?
Ah, the Catch-22! If I try to act the way I should have acted earlier in our marriage, it just pushes you away and turns you off, but if I "detach" and not get in your face, then aren't I just being the same lame inattentive bump-on-the-log husband that drove you to this in the first place?????

I know, I know. I don't know if that's your sitch, but that was what I have been faced with day in and day out. It's a tough tight-rope to walk.

The folks here have been providing some very good advice on these issues, just keep reading, and don't try to do too much too soon. Soak it in and even meditate on a sentence that some here writes or in Michelle's books before going "ah! I'm going to go out and try that sentence right now and my marriage will be saved"

(maybe not everybody needs instant gratification like I do, but that's one of the ways I screwed up.)

[PArob]

Thank every one of you for your insight. It is extremely helpful to me and allows me to re-focus my efforts (on me!). Sometimes, the logic is overtaken by the heart and clouds my judgment, but at the end of the day, I know I can have no influence on her actions, emotions or moods. Now I just have to work towards moving it from theory to practice. NYS, I am actually reading the Lundberg book right now based upon an earlier suggestion you had made to GH I believe. So far it has proven very insightful. The other one that I am currently reading is the Five Love Languages.

[grasshopper]

I have not found the Lundberg book locally so I may have to order it online. As for the 5 Love Languages, I love that book. It is not as deep as some of the other stuff we read, but it is truly insightful and thought provoking. Also, it is very solution oriented, much like the DB/BR books are.
And, you're welcome. You will always have support here.

GH

[NYsurvivor]

How can I be detached and yet striving to fulfill her emotional needs at the same time?

Ah, the Catch-22! If I try to act the way I should have acted earlier in our marriage, it just pushes you away and turns you off, but if I "detach" and not get in your face, then aren't I just being the same lame inattentive bump-on-the-log husband that drove you to this in the first place?????

Hey guys, c'mon, will' ya?? There have only been of late only about 16 zillion posts on being detached yet lovingly supportive. Learn what it is instead of keeping this myth going and come onboard!

[PArob]

You're right NYS, I need to take more time and read through some of those posts.

And WTSI, thank you. reading through a lot of you replies was helpful too because I see myself reacting in those ways when I just need to "chill" and take it for what its worth.

[WantToSaveIt]

Hey guys, c'mon, will' ya?? There have only been of late only about 16 zillion posts on being detached yet lovingly supportive. Learn what it is instead of keeping this myth going and come onboard!

Sorry, maybe I should have clarified that I was transcribing what was going through my head back then, and what mistakes I made. Don't worry NYS, I read your and others' replies to my posts over the past few days and have not forgotten them!