The point being, I wonder where I need to go from here.
I think that is the point, regardless of what your W wrote you, which may just be a mixed message to keep you in her comfort zone or not, that you need to know your own path for your own self, and live that, as if she's never to return.
I wasn't fulfilling her emotional needs and I want to find out what those needs where so I can address them now. But I don't know how to approach any of this. How can I be detached and yet striving to fulfill her emotional needs at the same time? Is it possible?
Yes, of course it is. Read the recent posts about what detaching is and is not, I think it's on grasshopper's thread. Detaching is more about re-wiring yourself not to be so dependent where your reactions are an outcome to someone else's actions or from situations. It does not block the ability to be supportive or validative or loving.
If she hasn't indicated to you what her emotional needs may be, try reading "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. If your memory doesn't stir up some 'connect the dot' moments for you, then just go at all of them and see what works.
