Moving on II

[kaydeekay]

I've been off the board for awhile and thought I would update my sitch:

As last reported H moved back in during the first week of March. Things were good and things were not so good. H would be home during the week but when the weekend came he felt the need to be with his buddies and drink. Sometimes I was invited and other times not. During the times I was not invited H would come home and tell me things like he was more comfortable around his friends, he hasn't gotten used to me yet, he wants to work on M but doesn't know what he's doing, blah, blah, blah.

After 2 months of him being home, H went to visit an old buddy of his in another state. I believe this was the second week of May. Come to find out he didn't actually go visit his friend but instead went to his parents' house and to his sisters' house (which is about 50 miles away from our home). He stayed with his sister for a few days and said he would be home that Monday. Monday rolls around and he said he wanted to spend more time with his family and help them out around their houses.

It got to the point where a few days turned into a week then a week turned into a month. He always had one excuse or another as to why his family needed him there and he wasn't able to come home. I should note that H did call me at least 2 or 3 times a day.

On June 14th, H had promised that he would be home that day. Well, H calls and said that his sister needed him to babysit his nephew in the evening. H told his sister that he would give her a week to find a sitter. I then lost it and asked H "So, I'm being put on hold again?" H kind of chuckled and told me that he was not too happy about the situation either. I reminded him that this has been going on for weeks now. H then asks "So, what do you want me to do, move on?" I told him that that may be a good idea. He said he had been doing some thinking and wasn't sure if we could work things out. I asked if he wanted to go ahead with the divorce because I can't do this anymore. He said yes and at the same time he said he had a bad day at work and was just not in a good mood. H calls me a couple of days later to tell me he was going to drop off some money for me that weekend. He was a no show.

Monday I decided to call him and ask about the money. He was nice and told me to meet him at the bank. I met him and stayed in my vehicle while he talked to me and gave me some money. He was very nice...he told me I looked nice and was stroking my arm. Ever since that meeting the phone calls started up again with him just checking to see if I'm okay and chit-chat.

The following Wednesday he comes by my house to pick up D12 for the weekend and get some extra clothes. He gives me a hug and asks how I was doing (my grandmother had passed away the day before). I told him I was doing good. I handed him a card that basically said that I was sorry for the way things turned out but we could remain friends. I also gave him a copy of the divorce decree that he needs to look over and then I will file it. He was somewhat surprised that I gave him the decree. I have had this decree for nearly a year now and I kept a hold of it in hopes that things would work out. As H and D12 were leaving he gives me another hug and a kiss and told me he was going to call me.

H calls 15 minutes later: Thanks me for the card. He told me that I was his comfort zone. He compares me to other girls and it doesn't last. I asked him if the comparison doesn't last or what did he mean. He said the relationship/friendship doesn't last. He told me that I always stood by him no matter what. I was always easy to talk to and he could call me when he needed someone to talk to. He then tells me that he needed to clear his head (old cliche' by now). All I could was listen and told him that I understood what he was saying becuase I had/have those same feelings towards him.

Since then, H calls me before and after work. Sounding very nice and checking on my well-being. H even said "I always call and check on you." On Tuesday H asked me to call him at work and made me promise him that I would. I did but the call lasted less than 2 minutes. I don't know if this is his way of asking me to start calling him or not. I don't dwell on that. I can probably count on one hand how many times I've called H this month.

Yesterday's morning call, we were talking as though we were still together. H then says that he has been doing some thinking about us. I didn't ask what he meant, I just said "Oh, really?"

I don't know if H is trying to work his way back or not...I don't read into anything he says anymore as I did a year ago. Someone told me that H wants to move on but yet looks over his shoulder to see if I'm still there. I feel that I need to move on with the divorce for myself. As sad and hurtful it may be, I can't live my life like this anymore waiting and hoping that H will find his way home.