You're kinda similar to Hopefloats in how you're dependent on H for your moods, it seems to me. I'm not knocking you by saying that, you two just seem to share commonalities that lots of LBSs go through. So I think a lot of the same advice applies.
You asking H why he didn't call you in the middle of the night - because you want to demonstrate to him how you're there for him - is pressure, sweetie. Drop the rope. You can be lovingly supportive without having to stand behind him showing him you're ready to catch him should he fall.
The pain and sense of loss can dissipate in time, and you can get over it, once you recognize that it's YOU who's giving it to yourself, and once you make the decision to stop giving yourself misery - and maintaining that decision. Life has loss as part of it, sadly. Some losses, we can get back. Start with getting yourself back first
Why he sends you mixed messages... probably because he can't fully commit to letting you go. Don't read much into that statement of mine if you're looking for morsels of hope. Just accept it for what it is.
And you will get through this, because you have to for self-survival or be crippled. Up to now, you've been getting through this, but in a rough way. Sooner or later, you may say to yourself, "There's gotta be a better way to get through this!" (that's why you're here, so we know you're looking for that better way), and that's when you may more conscientiously put this all to work for you.
