Hey brava - thank you for taking the time to respond...of course i love to hear from you...you always break things down for me in a less emotional way....i appreciate it. I did read your post after i saw him last night...
H called me before i went to tell me he had cancelled our appointment with the vet b/c he didn't know how long the house discussion would take.
I got to the house and he had a spread sheet of how much the house could sell for, minus fees and then our split. He also had papers from the realtor that he met with last week. He showed me everything and explained it all to me. So, we signed the papers to put the house on the market by the end of the month.
Then, i began a R discussion...i know, wrong, but i couldn't take it anymore. I even told my H how i am always censoring myself, but that it was tearing me up inside. I explained how i interpreted our meeting back in September (that the D was inevitable) and he did agree that he said those things and understood how i thought that. But, he also said something about how he also said we would see how things go. He also mentioned how he can no longer afford to live there by himself. I told him how i felt he was blaming me when we spoke in the afternoon. He apologized and said that that wasn't his intention. I tried to tell him how i would not be in a rush to sell if there was still a chance for us. I also told him how i thought he was confused about what he wanted. He then said that maybe i was right, and that we should just put an end to things, instead of dragging it out. I told him that that wasn't what i was saying and he said well, it is and it isn't (he was right...i guess i was looking for any decision). We proceeded to talk about things, and i know it wasn't good DBing.
I also brought up ow by asking him if he loved her. At first he looked at me kind of confused and then said that he wasn't going down that road. I told him that i didn't blame him and that i wasn't angry, but that there were too many things and that i had found him there too many times (not really) and that i just wanted to know. He refused to discuss it. I said that if it was a no, then he would have just said that, so i guess it wasn't a no. He said that i had to believe whatever i had to believe but that he wasn't going to discuss it. Iassured him that i didn't want to believe that at all.
I asked him what happens after our D is final...do we just never speak again. He said he didn't think he could do that...never speak to me again. He also said that there is still a big part of him that wants to give me another chance. I told him how i had been praying a lot, for a miracle. And how i had prayed for just one more night to sleep next to him. He started to cry. Then i told him how i had these images of us being outside, gardening together and then getting into a water fight...and that i don't even like to garden. With that, he started to cry even more and told me to stop, that i always do this...that i build him up and then just knock him down. We cried for a while. Then we kind of got ourselves together and we both left the house...he said he was going to his brothers (?).
I don't know what to do. Yes, i was attaching a lot of meaning to the house, i guess b/c i saw selling the house and getting D going hand in hand. There was no discussion of when he would file, etc. I don't know if that means anything.
When i got home i talked to my aunt for a while. She said that it is clear that he doesn't know what he wants, otherwise he could have filed for D at any point during the last 2+ years.
So, do i just let it go and not bring it up anymore? Just see what happens? Or do i make it clear that the D is not what i want? He said that this purgatory we've been living in has just been torturous for both of us. God, i don't know what to do. I don't want this to happen. I feel like my whole life is spiraling out of control and i can't stop it. I hate this.
