I never knew my life would break my heart

[bravagal]

Lmdi-

I am sooo sorry I have not been around more. I have been lurking and reading your thread though over the last month.

I have to agree with NYS that you are attaching tons of meeting to the house thing—I have done that too with my H’s condo that he purchased.

Well, I have not been a good DB buddy so I don’t know if you even want to hear from me but perhaps my not pasting will give me a different perspective. BTW- I know you wrote this when you were mad and emotional but here is what I see……


I told him that i did, but that it seems as if what i have to say doesn't make a difference anyway.

I could see how this would make him feel defensive and I think that is what happened.


His response: your opinion is important.
Wow . Maybe he has not shown this in the past but is trying to show this now.

Really? Could have fooled me! Anyway, this descended into a conversation where he just got angry, i tried not to get defensive (when what i really wanted to tell him was FU) and we basically hung up. He said how i was the one who insisted that the house be sold, but that he had been willing to hang on and see what happens. This was news for me. I told him how when we went to the mediator back in September he presented it as the D was inevitable. So, my stance regarding the house was that it would be sold, b/c i didn't want him living there after we D. He basically flip-flopped and said this was my doing, yada yada. He just got pissed off. I tried to explain to him that if he feels the D isn't a done deal, then of course the house didn't have to be sold. But, he really had no comment about that. I asked him if this was just another way to punish me, and he said no, b/c i was getting more money than he felt i was entitled to anyway when the house is sold (a$$hole). Then he tried to be a martyr...how he made the phone call out of common courtesy so i wouldn't be blindsided tonight. Gee, like i didn't see the real estate folder when i was there on Sunday.

When I get mad … I do it 110%. I too usually avoid confrontations. So I feel your pain. It is so similar to what my H and me do : scrape open old wounds and reference things from a long time ago.

This is dwelling in the past for both of you… I would just forget this entire part of the convo … OF COURSE you both got defensive. You were both taking “stances” and positions: it was about who is right and who wronged whom. Also, like I said above you are both attaching a lot of meaning and giving a lot of power to a house. MY DB coach really had me work on deconstructing the meaning I was attaching to my H’s condo. Still have a long way to go on that but it really helped me to let go a bit.

HH wrote this great post to me about only being able to remember the last 2 weeks- there is some wisdom in this. I realize with myself that I always get stuck when I pull up the past. I can even be doing well and then I think of how he hurt me and betrayed me (and in that sense is stilt hurting me ) and then I can cry , get angry and instantly spiral.
Also, this 2 week thing frees you up more to seethe person as a person… not as a non-human bad guy.

I am not saying that you roll over and be walked on but feeling compassion can free you up to focus on yourself and create a feeling of safety in your interaction with H. Really, what if you just chuck it up to feelings taking over and not give that interaction so much weight. What if you said instead: how nice that he didn’t want to blindside me . How nice that he values my opinion. (There are a lot of great techniques in the Divorce as Friends book and website).




He tried to insinuate that selling the house is only accelerating the D. How? If there was a chance that the D wasn't going to happen, then i would be willing to hold off on selling. But, he said, no, this is what you (me) wanted. I did remind him however how he said when we first were doing the agreement, that if things changed we could just throw it out. So, what's the problem now?

Clearly, he does not know what he wants. IMO he is trying to avoid deciding. Are you ready to decide or do you want to still hold on? That is the question, I guess.


How do i handle this? Do i express my feelings over this? I want to tell him how he made me feel today.

I am sure he knows- but there is no way he can HEAR this now. In the end, you probably made him feel not –so- good too. (I am not excusing him AT ALL. I just know how those arguments spiral.) Don’t let this argument have so much power over you!

OK, I wrote this in a hurry. I can’t miss my train but I really wanted to write you something. If you get this AFTER seeing him and things blew up… just take a breath from that and don’t give it so much importance.


Yes, I know easier said than done… all of this. I also know it is a big oversimplification. Maybe I am just in the mood to play devil’s advocate!
brava