Just when i think that it can't get any worse... I knew i was having these nagging feelings today for a reason...
H called before...bs for a few seconds. Then he says, "well, i don't want you to be blindsided tonight, but we have to talk about selling the house." I said okay, and then he asked if i had anything to say. I told him that i did, but that it seems as if what i have to say doesn't make a difference anyway. His response: your opinion is important. Really? Could have fooled me! Anyway, this descended into a conversation where he just got angry, i tried not to get defensive (when what i really wanted to tell him was FU) and we basically hung up. He said how i was the one who insisted that the house be sold, but that he had been willing to hang on and see what happens. This was news for me. I told him how when we went to the mediator back in September he presented it as the D was inevitable. So, my stance regarding the house was that it would be sold, b/c i didn't want him living there after we D. He basically flip-flopped and said this was my doing, yada yada. He just got pissed off. I tried to explain to him that if he feels the D isn't a done deal, then of course the house didn't have to be sold. But, he really had no comment about that. I asked him if this was just another way to punish me, and he said no, b/c i was getting more money than he felt i was entitled to anyway when the house is sold (a$$hole). Then he tried to be a martyr...how he made the phone call out of common courtesy so i wouldn't be blindsided tonight. Gee, like i didn't see the real estate folder when i was there on Sunday. God, i am so pissed off right now. He seems to forget, that he has no reason to want to sell...he gets to live there and do whatever he wants. Meanwhile, i have to live someplace else. Plus, he is the one who said he couldn't afford to live there by himself anyway (have to remember to mention this tonight). Clearly, he was just manipulating me. Of course he wants to hold onto the house...he has no incentive to sell. I just don't know what to do. I feel horrible right now, all b/c he is being a jerk. I can't stand it. I feel like i am going to have a nervous breakdown (it doesn't help that i am completely overwhelmed at work). So, now, i don't know what to do tonight. I want to avoid this topic, but i know i can't. He tried to insinuate that selling the house is only accelerating the D. How? If there was a chance that the D wasn't going to happen, then i would be willing to hold off on selling. But, he said, no, this is what you (me) wanted. I did remind him however how he said when we first were doing the agreement, that if things changed we could just throw it out. So, what's the problem now?
How do i handle this? Do i express my feelings over this? I want to tell him how he made me feel today. Or do i just go along with whatever he says, so he doesn't feel as if i am forcing him to do something. God, i hate this. I don't know what to do anymore.
Sorry to hear about your H's desire to sell. (And that he's being a big meanie to you.) Maybe you can tell him that you've been very stressed out by work and would like to delay making any major financial decisions for a little while. That way you can enter this discussion with your H with a clear head.
Is it not possible to link the sale of your house to a D actually being finalized? That way you don't have to do anything now if you don't want to. When you see your H tonight I would let him bring up the topic of selling. And if he does bring it up, try not to let him push your buttons.
I agree with super. You don't have to sell it right now, esp. if there is no D. in the works. Remember, tough love. Don't let him push you around ok? Take a gentle stand and try to avoid discussing any of it tonight, as you have had a rough day at work. Let us know what happens.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Is it not possible to link the sale of your house to a D actually being finalized?
I think that is what i thought i was doing in September when we finalized our interspousal agreement. We went to the mediator (for the 2nd time) a week after he told me he couldn't do this anymore and that we "needed" to get D. So, of course, when we go there, i am thinking that he has made a firm decision regarding the D. Now, though, he seems to be saying differently. And i don't know if he is saying it in order to manipulate me into not selling now, or if he is being sincere. My point was, in September, that if we were getting D, then i wanted the house to be sold. Which i tried to remind him of today. He said something to me like "oh, i'm not going to talk about what happened all those months ago." What? Isn't that relevant to what we are talking about? My feeling/thinking is this: if we are getting D, then we are selling the house. If there is a chance to save this M, then i am willing to hold off on selling the house. But, he needs to make a decision. He goes back and forth. And if he thinks that there is a chance for this M to work, then he needs to start doing something about it...like regular dates, counseling, etc. Something to point in a positive direction. Otherwise, we are selling the house. B/c i'll be damned if he is going to be living there, having his bimbo there. Uh-huh, no way in hell!
Imdi, Another thing, why the rush to sell it right now? Where is your H. planning to go live if you sell it? And what if you two work things out; then where will you live? I guess I feel like he’s leaving something out, perhaps, in regards to his plans, because he has to move if you sell it. Where is he going?
Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
You don't have to sell it right now, esp. if there is no D. in the works.
That's the thing...i don't know if there is a D in the works. I guess i thought that the 2 would go hand in hand...if he files, then we sell. He's trying to tell me how he laid all of this out on the table back in September. Umm, no, he didn't. He told me the week before we were there that we needed to get D. So, how am i supposed to think that the D was still a maybe? I tried to explain that i was under the impression, when i said that i wanted to sell the house, that the D was inevitable, b/c that is how he presented it. Now, he is trying to say, i think, that my insistence on selling the house is accelerating the D process? What? If you don't want the D, then you don't do it, plain and simple. Since when does he care what i want? Now, all of sudden, he is blaming this on me? Makes no sense. Either he wants the D or he doesn't. And if he doesn't or isn't 100% sure, then he needs to do something to work on the M. God, he is so confusing. And i hate when he gets all high and mighty. I just wish he could have a conversation about this without getting pissed off. I have bad feeling about tonight...there may be a war.
Imdi, Because I care for you, I will be honest about how I see this. It seems to me that your husband is trying to turn everything around and put the blame on you for everything. He does not want to step up and take responsibility for the problems he has contributed. To appease his guilt, he is hoping to convince himself everything is your fault: the D, the selling of the house, and such. I don’t like how he is treating you or the situation, and I hope you protect yourself. Sign nothing. If he tries to force you to do that, tell him you need time to think. If he brings up selling again, ask him if he knows where he will move. Always remember that you are a wonderful person and he is the one with the issues here. Don’t take his blame game to heart. You’re waterproof tonight; let it all wash away, ok? Be strong and pleasant, but firm. Tough love! (I’m reading the book too)
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
FWIW, it sounds to me like you're attaching a lot of stuff to the "selling of the house", stuff that's making you an emotional wreck. All he said was that he wants to "talk" about selling the house, and you're spinning it out to last September and a bunch of "what ifs" and "no way is he gonna live here with her!" and it's obvious that this mode of thinking is what's causing your grief. Instead, can you take a deep breath, let go of that tainted crap that only poisons you, and visualize this upcoming conversation in a just business view?
There's a difference between talking about selling and actually having it sold. And if you're on the title, he can't sell it without your signing off. Worst case if it gets sold, you could end up with a nice amount of equity or a promissory note, best case being you might even very well find that this opens a new door for you yet unseen.
Hope- Here's the thing... When we went to the mediator, my H said that he wanted to wait 2 years to sell the house, which would have been in 2007. I asked that we wait only 1 year, as i would need the money from the sale of the house to live someplace else. Again, b/c i was under the impression that we were getting D. He agreed to this. Our interspousal agreement says that the house would be sold by November 2006. Back in October (2005), he sent me an email about the house, saying that if there was no improvement (with us), then the house would be sold in the spring b/c he couldn't afford to live there on his own, with no $$$ from me (our taxes went up almost $4000 last fall, thus increasing the monthly expenses). At that time, he also said that he hoped that if i did live there, then i would contribute $$$. Well, of course. Anyway, we didn't talk about it for a while. I think he feels that by selling it now, we are taking advantage of the spring market, which is always better.
I don't know where he plans on living if we sell it. Maybe with ow? I don't know. He hasn't said, and i haven't asked. Not like he'd tell me the truth anyway.
He just seems to go back and forth on things. I don't know what his intentions are. He will say we are getting D, and then call me telling me he misses me and asking me to spend the night at our house. I understand confusion, but he has got to clue me in that he is confused. And if he is, then we need to do something that will help clear up his confusion. Anyway, i am not looking forward to this tonight. The way i feel right now, i am afraid that i will lose it with him. Maybe thats what we need: a good screaming match. I don't know. Tonight could be very bad for me.
I know how you are feeling. It's the limbo. It's tiring and frankly, annoying. You've been very patient. Now, you feel like it's time either you or your H. makes a move somehow, because nothing is changing either way and you aren't seeing any improvement with your situation. But please remember tonight all the DB'ing you have done and how far YOU have come, Imdi. Follow your instincts but don't make any decisions tonight. Listen to what your H says and then take that away with you, and think about it. Come back and post later and we will be there for you. Hugs...
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
