I wanted to tell you that there is nothing abnormal about the way you feel. I totally understand the yearning to want to have H. come back and not let o.w. "win", and have your life. I feel the same way at times. But I can tell you in my case, I know H's family really, really loves me alot and some of them are very angry with H. at what he has done to me. So even if he brings o.w. into the fold someday, I don't see her being welcomed with open arms the way I always have been. And so it would be in your case, too, I am sure. I'm going to sound like a broken record here but don't focus so much on o.w. ok? I will try to not do it, too. We are always in this together, you know? And look at it this way---even if we never get back with our H's and they make a life with o.w., she is not getting the wonderful version that we married, only a shadow of the former man.
Hugs to you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
