Hey hope- Thanks for sharing those words from your pastor. I am trying to remain positive, but this week my H has definitely indicated that he will be moving forward with his plans for D. I just wish that the ow was not involved. I fully believe that if she was not, we would be reconciling. But, wishes don't always come true. I will continue to ride out this storm, as difficult as it is. I pray every day for my H to find his way back to me...i hope that my prayers are answered.
I hope that you have a good weekend. Quiet night planned for tonight. Hanging out with a girlfriend tomorrow night, and then my visit on Sunday. Take care.
I wanted to wish you a nice weekend. Looks like our Friday evenings will be quiet, but hey, that is ok. We need to be easy on ourselves right now. Some tea and a book will do me some good. Please don't give up in your heart, Imdi. I know it looks like he's taking steps to end things, but you never know what can happen out of the blue. If I can give you any advice tonight, I would say look at what happened to me on Monday; I never was expecting my H. to come over and act like that. So, we don't know what's really going on with them. It may not all be so bad. Meanwhile, just enjoy this weekend and hug your kitties when you see them. And know I am thinking of you. Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I notice the same thing with my H, anytime he acts in a way that makes me hopeful or feel positive, I can bet that soon thereafter he will act wierd, sometimes even cold. I guess from what you read that that is common? I will check that book out, never read it. I understand what you mean when you say you are tired of all of this b/c I am too. It is unfair that we should be treated this way, regardless of the reasons behind it. I am going to post on a new thread about the crap that went down today with my H, if you can check it out. Right now I am feeling like filing for a D just to bring all of this to its breaking point. But I am sure I will change my mind tomorrow.
Hey hope and flutter- Thanks for checking in with me. Quiet weekend for me. Migraine on Friday night, so i slept. Saturday night i was with a girlfriend, and then my visit on Sunday.
H called me Friday evening and left a message asking me to call him back. When i did, he told me he called b/c my cell phone company had called the house and left a message (couldn't he have left this on the message?). That was it. He called again Saturday afternoon...just to check in. I went for my visit on Sunday...he was still home...we chatted a bit and then he was off to his superbowl party. Enjoyed my time with my kitties...miss them so much. H called around 11pm last night. When i picked up the phone he said "hi lovie." We chatted for a bit. He told me he missed my dad (in relation to the superbowl). That was about it. He said he had been drinking. He called about an hour later to say he had gotten home. I asked him why it took him an hour...he said he didn't know. Here's the rest of our conversation... H: I miss you. Me: I miss you too. H: You hurt me (he starts crying). Me: I know...i am so sorry. H: You're my love. Me: You're my love too. H: I loved you so much. Me: I love you too. H: I thought i would be with you forever. Me: Me too. I'm sorry i hurt you...i would do anything to make it up to you. H: I'm so lonely. Me: I'm sorry you're lonely H: I am too.
That was basically it. The whole time, he was crying uncontrollably. I really didn't know what else to say to him. I didn't want to try to convince him that we could get through this, b/c i didn't want to upset him even more. But, i wonder if i should have said something to him. I don't know. I am so nervous that he is going to continue to make steps to separate us even more (calling realtors, etc.). I don't know what to do. My stomach hurts so much this morning.
Well, thats it for my update this morning. Any ideas?
That was SOME little exchange. I think you did great if your goal was to remain detached in this situation. Of course, I, like you, would wonder if this was an opening to do/say more. I think you said the right things. You can't help but get drawn in by those words from him. Has he done this before? If so, had he been drinking when he did? Just re-reading it, doesn't it just make you want to simply reach through the phone, grab his shoulders and shake him, screaming "If you love me so much, then damnit, let's stop all this and be together!!!!" You should know that I only wish I would handle that situation as well as you did. I think you showed strength AND love. I don't know how much more you could have done. As usual, I hope this is the beginning of something better for you Imdi!
Hey GH- Thanks for the feedback...always helps to get a guys perspective. Yes, i did want to reach through the phone and shake him. I was so tempted to say to him "if you miss me so much and loved me and you're so lonely, then what the f... is the problem?" But, i figured that wouldn't be good DBing. I don't know if my goal was to be detached during the exchange. I just didn't know what to say or do. I didn't want to push him, but i also wanted him to really feel these emotions. Whats it gonna be like for him when i am not there anymore? You know what i mean? Has he done this before? There have been times, in the past, when he will call me up, late at night b/c he doesn't feel well or can't sleep. I have gotten 1 or 2 other late night, drunken phone calls, but the last one i can remember wasn't like this. I don't know what to make of it. I imagine that these are his true feelings, otherwise why would he call me up at midnight? Right? Or am i just reading too much into things? God, this is agony!
These two last posts are so pivotal in my understanding of all this, or lack thereof. We all DB through all this but so far as I know, we are not told when, or even if, there will come a time to stop DB and just do what seems natural and STRONGLY encourage our WAS to come back and work on our M. When faced with feelings from them like this, do they expect/want us to just reach out and grab them back into the R? It's like (pardon the racing analogy, I'm not even a racing guy) drafting the entire race and never making your move. Sure, you are using the winning strategy but without the pure, aggressive driving that is not so much strategy but instinct, you are destined to finish somewhere other than first. I am facing this with my W right now and look toward Tim and others as to what may happen when we interpret things the wrong way and go for it too soon. I have come to the conclusion that is pretty obvious; there are no universals. So I guess it's up to us to figure out when it's time to break from the pack and run. That's a pretty scary thought to me. I bet you too.
Imdi, I sure wish I knew how to advise you, but I don’t! Your H. does a lot of things/says a lto of things that mine does not, so I have no familiarity with a spouse acting this way. I can empathize with your confusion though. I think you handled the conversation very well, considering what was being said. Do you feel that because he had a few drinks he was more open to speaking to you like that? I have to say I don’t envy you this; hearing those things from your WAH and then still having him want a D. or sell the house or what have you would certainly be enough to confuse me till no end. I think you are doing very well today in spite of what happened! Just keep hanging in there and reassuring him of how you feel, but only when he initiates the topic, as you did. Great job.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks GH and Hope- I am completely confused. When things like this happen, i start to have some hope, only to have it dashed the next day. I am not sure if it was the alcohol talking...i am sure that was part of it. Regardless, i tend to think that he was being sincere and genuine...why do that if you are just going to lie, you know?
I wish i knew what the right thing was. I wanted to support him. I also know how he feels b/c i feel the same way too. I wanted to tell him how much he hurt me too, but last night needed to be about him, not me. I am hoping that he is really understanding what losing me will really mean to him. I tried to validate him, don't know if i did a good job, and just let him work through it. I find that after he has these episodes, he backs off a bit, so i am expecting that today. But, i don't know if i should call him. If i don't, will he think that i just don't care? God, i wish there was some manual for this...with every single possible interaction and what to do about it...wishful thinking, huh? I just hope i did the right thing last night. There were so many other things i wanted to say to him, but i let it go, b/c i didn't want to get into a power struggle over it.
So, here i am, still confused...thank god for C tonight...he'll get an earful!
I'm not sure I'm the best person to be giving advice right now but your mention of the power struggle really hit home. So often I feel like M is really all about a constant power struggle and we are like countries always having to negoitate treaties.
Call your H if it feels right. Don't call him if you feel you are doing it as part of the game.
