PandDBing- Thank you for taking the time to post to me. I know the likelihood that my H is having an A is pretty great. I have had enough information presented to me. The thing is, it was easier to blame myself b/c it hurt less. I figured that if this was just about what I did, then there was a better chance of us reconciling, than if there was someone else. I try not to believe it b/c if i do, then it makes me wonder what else he could have lied about, including loving me. I never thought that i would be in this position today...i never thought he would have wanted to live without me. I guess i was wrong.
I know that what i did is nothing to end a marriage over. But, the fact that my H wants to punish me so much makes me question his feelings for me. If he really loved me, would he feel that way? I don't think so.
I do blame myself for what i did. But, i also know that it could have been much worse. As i pointed out to my H the other night, marriages have faced worse than this and made it. I guess it just points to how much he wants me, versus how much he wants her. I am certainly not painting myself to be a saint...even before this happened, we had problems in our M and i was partly responsible for those problems. But, if he loved me as much as he says he did, then you just don't do this, imo.
I used to snoop a lot. And i stopped. For one, if i confronted him about it, he made up some story that i didn't believe anyway. If i didn't confront him, then i had this information that was only hurting me. I've contemplated hiring someone to follow him, but i realized that the reason i was going to do it was so that i could have "dirt" on him, to use against him, to even the playing field. And i really didn't think that was a good enough reason. Believe me, there are times now that i want to follow him, or go to her house to see if he is there. But, i don't b/c i just don't feel emotionally able to handle it.
So what do i do? I love this man, despite what he is doing. And i keep hoping that he will decide that he doesn't want to lose me. But, i don't know if i am just fooling myself. The pain that i feel is unbearable. And i just wish it would end.
