Hey, Imdi! I'm taking Ellie's corner in this, too, and here's why (and BTW, Ellie's the one who predicted this for me looong before I had the facts to which I could attach my emotions):
I had a "betrayal," too, about a year ago. It went even a little further than yours. When H left me in September, *that's* the reason he gave for leaving. He said he couldn't move past what I had done, and that his feelings for me had changed because of it.
I had to buy into that because I had no evidence that there was *any* other reason why H would leave me. Looking back, I think that's one reason why I dropped the rope with H and why I wasn't angry at him for leaving. I felt like I deserved it. It sounds like you're feeling the same way about your sitch.
Ellie speculated soon after I had started posting that my H was likely having an A and had left me for OW. One part of my brain didn't want to believe it -- and couldn't, quite frankly, because I had no evidence whatsoever -- but the other part of my brain almost *wanted* to believe it because at least then I could understand why he was doing what he was doing.
For months, my H's A went undetected by me and everyone else. And he was successful in transferring his guilt onto me. He told his parents and all of his friends that I had cheated on him, and that's the reason he didn't think my baby was his, and thus the reason he left me. He painted me as the bad guy -- and had me totally convinced that I was -- while all along (from the days leading up to him leaving me), he was emotionally, and later physically, invested in OW.
The only way I uncovered their A was walking in on them (except I had seen her car once at his house during our separation; however, I wasn't going to get angry at him for dating while we were separated, so I kinda let it roll off my back). After I caught them, I checked H's cell phone records and discovered the truth: That he had been confiding in OW, obsessively, since days before he left me. And he recently told me that the night he left me, he and OW made out.
All I'm trying to point out to you, Imdi, is that you could be *totally* convinced right now that you're the bad guy, and you can be doing everything in your power to make amends to H, and there's a definite chance that you're taking all the heat while in fact he secretly carries *a lot* of the responsibility.
A good friend of mine gave me some wonderful words of wisdom when I "came out" about my "betrayal." He said, "True justice is paying once for a mistake." You've paid your debt.
Forgive yourself, Imdi. And understand that you may not be entirely at fault here. Yes, it's good for you to soul-search to find out what you did wrong. Many people (including me) will argue that limited contact like you had with that guy is not worth you beating yourself up over. But only you know what you're willing to forgive yourself for, and when.
Be prepared, though, for the possibility that one day you'll realize how much heat you took while your H was conducting a betrayal of his own. I'm not saying with all certainty that he is, but many of the same signs are in your sitch as I had in mine.
Many people will also tell you not to go snooping. I know there was a part of me that regretted it after I did. But I went in search for the truth, and I got it. At least I was able to see that I wasn't entirely at fault in my situation. I was able to forgive myself finally and understand what I was *truly* up against, as opposed to what my H was telling me. I realized that I wasn't the problem; he was. It didn't make the pain go away, but it made me realize that I had absolutely no control over my sitch and that no amount of apologizing or making amends could fix the problem ... because the problem wasn't mine.
Your H has you in a very good spot (for him), if in fact he is carrying on a R with OW. He has you, actively making amends for your "transgression," and he's taking advantage of that -- with or without an A. In other words, if he *is* having an A, then he's making you continue to pay for something while he's just as guilty, if not more so. If he's *not* having an A, then he's just digging the knife in deeper with you, using his words to push you back down in the water each time you come up for air. That's not fair, and it's not healthy.
Look around and see the many people (including me) who have been able to put our spouse's A behind us. He11, my H might have gotten someone else preggo, for goodness' sakes. And I'm not some saint. If *I* can move past a full-blown A -- and so many others can, too -- why do you think your H can't get over you freakin' talking to someone on the telephone? Doesn't make sense, does it? Not unless he's casting blame on you in an attempt to keep you so beaten that you don't have the energy to find out what he's really up to.
I would advise that you get back in touch with yourself a little and stop being a victim of his transfer of guilt. It takes a lot of courage to do, and only you know when enough is enough. But don't let him run over you, Imdi. Don't let him take advantage of your love.
And at the point when you think you can handle the truth, go find it. If you discover your H is having an A, it's going to hurt. But it's also liberating for you and your sense of self. You will be able to break free from the bondage of your own guilt, and that's so very important in your own healing process.
I'm shooting from the hip here, because I got so angry reading your posts. All the feelings I had when H left me, and when he blamed me for his abandonment, came rushing back. I hope what I wrote made sense. I'll be back around to check on you...
