Thanks hope and SS- It is very hard, trying to figure out what is going on in my H's head. B/c that does affect my actions, whether i want it to or not. I just wish there was an easy answer. The other night, in one of my crying fits, i said that i would do anything to just spend one more night with my H, in our bed, so that i can wake up next to him. That almost happened last night. I try to believe that there is no ow, but i know better. I honestly feel that if there was no ow, my H would definitely be making plans to reconcile with me. I wish that he could realize what he is doing. I know it shouldn't matter. And most of the time i do believe that i will be okay if we do D. But, last night, was the first time he actually said that we would never have contact again if we were to D. That was a hard thing to swallow. I know some of the things i said were anti-DBing. I was very careful not to tell him that he was wrong...i told him that i understood what he was saying and that i respected his feelings and position on things. It was a civil conversation. Does he even realize how asking me to come there last night, and ML, is so confusing? I don't know, maybe he doesn't. I was really touched by his offer to have me stay there...it was just so nice the way he said it...and i have to believe that it was genuine...he knew that it was hard for me, so he was trying to offer me some comfort. I don't believe that he could fake our interactions last night...there was just something different about it. I know that i have to focus on myself...and i do try. Its just hard. I am dreading this weekend..no plans again, and i am not looking forward to sitting in my room. Maybe something will come up.
I do have an appointment to see a "spiritual medium" in 2 weeks. I have seen her in a public forum, and she is pretty good, plus she predicted my cousin's accident. So, i am looking forward to that, although i am nervous about it...we'll see.
Thanks you guys for taking the time to read and respond. I don't know what i would do without you! Hugs to everyone!
