Long update today...not feeling very optimistic about my chances for reconciliation.
H called last evening, around 8p - I answered. He sounded down - we talked for a bit. He proceeded to tell me how he had found someone to do some work on our house (spacking and painting), in preparation for the sale. He said he didn't want to sell it, but he had no other choice. He asked how i felt about it...i told him that i felt differently, b/c we obviously wanted 2 different things (him - D, me - reconciliation), so i guess we had to sell. He said that we didn't - we could have decided on the buy-out option, but we didn't, and so this is accelerating the process of D. We continued to talk. He said he can't forgive me for my betrayal last year and how he feels he would have to learn to love a different person, b/c the person he loved wouldn't have done what i did. I said that i was still the same person that he married. I used the example of how the year before i moved out, he became a different person. But, that i knew circumstances had caused him to act out and that he really wasn't that person. He said he understood what i was saying. He said that i am not the sweet, innocent, naive girl that he met - instead i am a liar, a cheat, and a fraud. So, i said to him, if that's what you think, then how come you always tell me how sweet i am, and what a good person i am. He said that the sweet person is his fantasy of me - how he idealized me, but that it wasn't really who i am. I said i understood his feelings about it, but that i didn't agree with that characterization of me. We talked and talked - half of the stuff i don't even remember anymore. He said something about how we are just prolonging this, which is making it worse on both of us. He said that he wants me to pay for what i did. I told him that if it were me, the thought of living without him would be much worse than trying to work through what happened. He said, so, i guess then that's your punishment - you have to live without me. I asked him if he really believed that no longer having me in his life ever again would make him feel better and he said yes, that he thought that was the only way to get rid of the pain. He said he didn't want to live his life going through periods where he punishes me for what happened. I explained to him how forgiving and forgetting are 2 different things, and that i didn't expect him just to forget it. I told him i wasn't looking for him to say "okay, move back home, lets pretend nothing happened" - i said that was unrealistic and i knew that it would take work, which i was willing to do. He also said that he wanted to believe that i was the sweet girl but that he knew i wasn't. I told him that i really didn't understand that. I said that i thought he didn't want to truly believe that i am a sweet person, b/c if he did, then he would want to give me another chance, and that would make him feel like a sucker and that i didn't believe that he was 100% committed to the idea of not giving me another chance. He said, "i probably shouldn't tell you this, but you're right." And i said, "and that pisses you off...that i am right." He said yes. I told him that i didn't want to be right, i just wanted another chance. He asked me if i really thought i deserved another chance and i told him that i believed i did, b/c so many things were different now. I can't remember what else was said. He said he had to get off the phone, that he couldn't talk about it anymore last night and that we could talk more tomorrow (today). So, we got off the phone. Of course i was feeling very upset. About an hour or so later, he called back. He said he couldn't sleep. And he asked me "is it weird that i want you to come here and sleep next to me?" And i said, "no, its not weird. is that what you want?" And he said "yes." We talked for another half-hour, and i ended up going to our house. I had told him that it was hard for me to go there, and then leave. He said it was hard for him too. When i got there, he was in bed. He asked me what time i had to get up in the morning - i told him. He said, "do you want me to set the clock?" We did ML and it was nice to be that close to him. He asked me if i wanted to stay there overnight. I told him i did, but that i thought it would be harder in the morning, so i went home. He said he would call me today. So, i don't know what to think. When i was with him, i totally believed that he still loves me and i really felt like he isn't ready to let go. But, then i kept hearing his words. So, i don't know what to do. In the midst of it, i hope that he is not just using me. But, afterwards, i can't help but think it. So, now what do i do? I did try to validate his feelings last night. I didn't tell him that i thought he was wrong for how he felt, but rather gave him my perspective on it and how i would feel if the situation was reversed. On the phone, he said he would think about everything i said. I asked him if any of it made a difference. He said it always does. So, help me...what is my next move? And what do you guys think about what he said and what he did? Help me!
