I feels bad, I know. I did the same, only worse a couple nights ago. I looked through our wedding album and honeymoon scrapbook. Talk about glutton for punishment. I cried for an hour. You are just deep in it right now. What we are going through is not understandable, at least by us. It WAS supposed to be a fairy tale ending and that ending is like some kind of alternate ending on the DVD of our M we keep playing over and over in our minds. I do it all the time. Don't fret over it. You are just grieving for something that is not dead yet and so it's very presence keeps bringing you back to the intense feelings. I hope you find peace today. Smile at yourself, you're beautiful when you do.
I am just feeling very sad. I have been so busy at work, but feeling completely overwhelmed that i almost broke down and cried. I honestly haven't felt this lousy in a very long time. I just want to stop hurting. Its not that i am afraid of being alone if we were to D. But, i just don't want to be without my H. Which i guess is good...i am not holding on to him b/c i am afraid to be alone...but, that i don't want to lose him. I will try to stop thinking about the good memories i have of our M, as hard as that is and try to focus on what an ass he is being now. Thanks for the suggestion hope and for your good wishes. Hope you had a good day!
Hey SS- Thank you for your kind words. Its hard to feel loveable when the one person who chose to love you for the rest of your life no longer feels that way...the rejection is unbearable. Its hard to believe that my H loves me, when he is clearly lying to me and has been for so long...i mean, really, how does he live with himself? Which is when i start to think that maybe he isn't the person i thought he was, and that maybe he never loved me. B/c the man i married would not be acting this way...but, he is gone and who knows if he will ever return. Well, i should say, he is gone from my life...i am sure ow is getting all of his good qualities. I would love to go to her house and just tell her how it is...i am sure she would be shocked to know that my H and I are still intimate.
I know that i have to get out...hard to do when there is no one to do things with. I might take some classes, so that will keep me occupied.
Thanks GH- You made me cry, but in a good way. I just have to keep reminding myself that the world will not end if we get D...that i will go on...sometimes, its easier to just curl up in that ball of hurt and shut everything else out.
Quote: Its hard to feel loveable when the one person who chose to love you for the rest of your life no longer feels that way...the rejection is unbearable.
That's just it. That's what we have to wrap our brains around -- they're not rejecting us. It's not that we're not good enough, or smart enough, or hot enough --- WE ARE. They are just too selfasborbed and too wound up in their own issues to realize that we were want they wanted in the first place. None of us strongarmed our WAS into marriage. They're as much a part of this as we are. They've simply lost their way. The question is, are we willing to wait it out to see if they can find the way back to the path.
Quote: i mean, really, how does he live with himself?
that's just it... they don't get it. Even when they say they get it --- they don't. They can't. ESPECIALLY when there is an OW. In order for OW to be the best thing since sliced bread, we have to be the worst of everything. We have to be everything that hinders their happiness. And we all know that's ridiculous. You hang in there. And you figure out what's best for YOU. Because you're amazing. And the person that's going to love you for the rest of your life (whether it's H or not), is going to be darn lucky.
Not too much of an update today. H called yesterday evening...there is a lot of stuff going on for him at work, so he is feeling very overwhelmed and upset. We talked about it and he thanked me for listening. I told him if he wanted to talk again, i would be home. But he said he was going to the gym and then had some stuff to do (read, be with ow?). Woke up at 3:38 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep...felt very anxious with thoughts of H and ow and all of his lies. There are things that he does sometimes that just make no sense to me. I guess its not supposed to. I told him the other day that i had a bad dream...he asked me what happened. I told him that i had dreamed that i found pix in his wallet of him with someone and her kids in like a family portrait. All he said was, "i have no pix in my wallet. except one of you." So, i said "i thought you took it out" (he did this last year after my betrayal...i found the pix in his watch box several months ago. then when i looked again, they weren't there). He said "i did." So, of course i think that he is lying about this, b/c i think he lies about everything. But, if he is lying, why even mention it...its not like i asked him if he had a pix of me in his wallet...i was under the assumption that he didn't. So, could it be true? I know, this is stupid, analyzing this. But, i can't help it.
Feeling a little bit better today. Don't think i will see H this weekend on my visit, as he will be going to a superbowl party. Oh well.
I'll never understand the photo thing. Over the past few weeks all of the photos of my H and me were taken down or hidden from our apartment. But last week when I told him I didn't want to see him again and if he wanted to see me he had better take a photo he said he already had one in his office. WTF?? He still has a photo of me up in his office despite telling everyone at work we're separated and despite beginning an A with one of his co-workers.
Very curious. Maybe your H still does have a photo of you he keeps around.
Hi; how are you doing? Just checking in with you to see if you are feeling any better. I know how awful this all is, and you have been hanging in there a long time.
Has he called you at all today? Anything new to report?
hugs,
Hope
Edit:
Sorry Imdi; when I wrote this, your post from today wasn't showing up. I see it now.
Well, try not to let the photo issue upset you. Maybe he really does have a picture of you in his wallet. That's better than the one photo my H. carries in his---of o.w.'s child.
Feel better soon, Imdi. Hugs to you.
Last edited by hopefloats7; 02/01/0606:04 PM.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hey SS and Hope- Thanks for responding. I wasn't upset about the photo thing, just curious. Several months ago i noticed that the pix he used to have in his wallet were no longer in his watch box where he had put them. I looked around in his dressers for them, but couldn't find them. I just thought they disappeared. So, for him to say yesterday that he had a pix of me in there, after i knew he had taken it out was surprising. Okay, i didn't want to admit that it gave me little hope...it did...you know, its those little things that i look for to hold onto.
We did speak today...i called him b/c i knew today was going to be a tough day for him at work, so i just wanted to let him know that i was thinking of him. When i called, he said he was busy and would call me back. He did and we talked a bit, then he said he would call me tonight...we'll see. But, i am feeling less depressed today. Thank you guys for worrying...sending you hugs!
Long update today...not feeling very optimistic about my chances for reconciliation.
H called last evening, around 8p - I answered. He sounded down - we talked for a bit. He proceeded to tell me how he had found someone to do some work on our house (spacking and painting), in preparation for the sale. He said he didn't want to sell it, but he had no other choice. He asked how i felt about it...i told him that i felt differently, b/c we obviously wanted 2 different things (him - D, me - reconciliation), so i guess we had to sell. He said that we didn't - we could have decided on the buy-out option, but we didn't, and so this is accelerating the process of D. We continued to talk. He said he can't forgive me for my betrayal last year and how he feels he would have to learn to love a different person, b/c the person he loved wouldn't have done what i did. I said that i was still the same person that he married. I used the example of how the year before i moved out, he became a different person. But, that i knew circumstances had caused him to act out and that he really wasn't that person. He said he understood what i was saying. He said that i am not the sweet, innocent, naive girl that he met - instead i am a liar, a cheat, and a fraud. So, i said to him, if that's what you think, then how come you always tell me how sweet i am, and what a good person i am. He said that the sweet person is his fantasy of me - how he idealized me, but that it wasn't really who i am. I said i understood his feelings about it, but that i didn't agree with that characterization of me. We talked and talked - half of the stuff i don't even remember anymore. He said something about how we are just prolonging this, which is making it worse on both of us. He said that he wants me to pay for what i did. I told him that if it were me, the thought of living without him would be much worse than trying to work through what happened. He said, so, i guess then that's your punishment - you have to live without me. I asked him if he really believed that no longer having me in his life ever again would make him feel better and he said yes, that he thought that was the only way to get rid of the pain. He said he didn't want to live his life going through periods where he punishes me for what happened. I explained to him how forgiving and forgetting are 2 different things, and that i didn't expect him just to forget it. I told him i wasn't looking for him to say "okay, move back home, lets pretend nothing happened" - i said that was unrealistic and i knew that it would take work, which i was willing to do. He also said that he wanted to believe that i was the sweet girl but that he knew i wasn't. I told him that i really didn't understand that. I said that i thought he didn't want to truly believe that i am a sweet person, b/c if he did, then he would want to give me another chance, and that would make him feel like a sucker and that i didn't believe that he was 100% committed to the idea of not giving me another chance. He said, "i probably shouldn't tell you this, but you're right." And i said, "and that pisses you off...that i am right." He said yes. I told him that i didn't want to be right, i just wanted another chance. He asked me if i really thought i deserved another chance and i told him that i believed i did, b/c so many things were different now. I can't remember what else was said. He said he had to get off the phone, that he couldn't talk about it anymore last night and that we could talk more tomorrow (today). So, we got off the phone. Of course i was feeling very upset. About an hour or so later, he called back. He said he couldn't sleep. And he asked me "is it weird that i want you to come here and sleep next to me?" And i said, "no, its not weird. is that what you want?" And he said "yes." We talked for another half-hour, and i ended up going to our house. I had told him that it was hard for me to go there, and then leave. He said it was hard for him too. When i got there, he was in bed. He asked me what time i had to get up in the morning - i told him. He said, "do you want me to set the clock?" We did ML and it was nice to be that close to him. He asked me if i wanted to stay there overnight. I told him i did, but that i thought it would be harder in the morning, so i went home. He said he would call me today. So, i don't know what to think. When i was with him, i totally believed that he still loves me and i really felt like he isn't ready to let go. But, then i kept hearing his words. So, i don't know what to do. In the midst of it, i hope that he is not just using me. But, afterwards, i can't help but think it. So, now what do i do? I did try to validate his feelings last night. I didn't tell him that i thought he was wrong for how he felt, but rather gave him my perspective on it and how i would feel if the situation was reversed. On the phone, he said he would think about everything i said. I asked him if any of it made a difference. He said it always does. So, help me...what is my next move? And what do you guys think about what he said and what he did? Help me!
