You are absolutely lovable. Repeat that to yourself several times please. Actually I take the please back. This is an order.
I understand your feelings of doubt that your H ever loved you, but I'm going to have to disagree. I really doubt he would have married you if he wasn't in love. He is very conflicted right now and regardless of how much he cares for you his priority is taking care of himself. It's selfish and cruel but I suppose that's just the way things have to be.
Why are you spending so much time in your bedroom watching TV? That is not healthy. I should know, right before my M first started to deteriorate I was depressed and watched way too much TV way too late into the night.
Get out of the house and do something, anything. Sometimes it's nice just to grab a coffee somewhere and sit and read. Sure you could do it at home but it's also good to get outside in the real world.
