Thanks TTS and Lost - I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
I know that i have to get out and do something in order to take my mind off of him. There are times, though, that i just feel paralyzed by it all.
I was laying in bed last night (after watching the InStyle Celebrity Wedding show and the Bachelor....probably not the best choices given my sitch and my recent mood) and i just started to cry. I am so sad. I am sad for the loss of my M. I feel like i let my H down...this M was supposed to be different - I was supposed to be different. I feel like I let my parents down. I am sad for my parents b/c i know they are hurt by all of this. I also feel like i let his parents down, as they now have to go through another D with him. I feel like I will never find someone who will love me like he did. I just feel very unloveable right now. I don't know how to let go of my love for him, of my hopes and dreams. And what i can't get out of my head is, if i am the love of his life, then how can he choose to want to live without me. I had all these memories last night and this morning of our wedding...remembering how he looked and how happy we were. And i wonder how we got here...what happened to us. And i don't understand how he can just throw it all away. I keep hoping i will wake up from this nightmare and things will be different...but, i know this is reality. And it sucks so bad. What is so wrong with me that he can't love me enough to stick it out? I don't know what happened to that man that i married and how he could just disappear. I know that he is hurt. But, i am hurt too. Doesn't my pain and hurt matter? Don't my fears matter? I wish he could realize the mistake that he is making, but i know that won't happen. I know that i just have to let go. I can't hold out hope anymore...it is just killing me. But, i can't let go.
