You're wrestling with a lot of the same emotions I've been over a thousand times. Sorry you're on that rollercoaster--no fun, I know.
My W still tells me she loves me every day--every phone call. So, it's like there's a running conflict in the brain, but I know what the reality is. I'm sorry your H is doing this to you, and I know how much you ache to be with him, but TTS is giving you some great advice. See if you have the strength to try it out for a while.
All the best, and here's a hug just for you too!
I really do know what you're going through, and I hate to see it happen to anyone.
Hang in there,
Lost
P.S. I really like the title of your thread--it really rings true for me too.
