Hope - sounds like you had a nice time with Sassy...hope she posts those pix! We should try to meet up one weekend.
Had a pretty terrible weekend...very quiet. I have been feeling extremely depressed the past few days. Thoughts of my H and ow are running rampant through my head...i can't get them to stop. Visited with my cats yesterday...i miss them soooo much. Didn't see H. He called yesterday around 1pm...i hadn't gotten to my house yet and he was out already (or never came home, i don't know which). I got to my house a little after that and was there until 7p. H didn't come home while i was there. He called about 8:30...claimed he had been at his brothers all day. We talked for a bit...the usual "how are you? are you eating?" from him. He didn't feel well. He said he would call me today. God, i just can't stand it anymore. I am trying to get to a place where i just don't care anymore, but i can't. I just can't imagine my life without my H...i believe that we were meant to be together. My H told me a few weeks ago, when i asked him i should still have hope, that he couldn't make that decision for me. And, he's right...although he could have told me there was no hope, which he didn't say. But, in order for me to make that decision, i think that i need to have all relevant information...including if there is an ow...isn't that the fair thing? How can i decide this if i don't know all the variables? I just don't understand him one bit. If he loves me as much as he claims to, then don't you figure out a way to make this work? Perhaps he loves ow more. I told him about my nightmares...he didn't have much to say. He says he doesn't want to lead me on, but then he does and says things that do just that...doesn't he see it? I feel so miserable...and i just wish it would stop. Does the pain ever end?
First, hugs to you too. I know how disappointed you must feel not seeing your H for your weekly visit. It sucks that they have such power over our emotions.
As I'm feeling in the dumps today too I don't know what advice I can give you. I guess I've just decided to leave things to fate. If our M is meant to be then things will endure. If not, then we will eventually learn to move on and be happy.
Of course, don't think for a moment that the next time I go to our apartment that I will be putting several Feng Shui cures to work.
Oh, and to answer an earlier question, I was living in Old Town Alexandria with my H but now I'm staying in Arlington between Ballston and Clarendon.
Hi. We missed you this weekend.
I am really sorry you didn't get to see your H. yesterday. Maybe he just needed to pull back a little bit? It is hard to say. I know you are in a lot of pain right now and I wanted to ask you if there is something different you could try in regards to your situation with your H? Change things up somehow, just to see if it helps.
Like I mentioned before, I feel a lot more detached from this mess most of the time because I don't see my H. very often, there is no physical intimacy between us, and I don't answer all his calls anymore. I mean, let's be honest, how great does it feel when you know he's calling you, and you choose to not pick up? It feels really good, and powerful, right?
I think you have to try something new here, in order to heal a little more. I know exactly how you feel because I have hurt just as badly. But I cannot drag my spirit down anymore over something as sordid as what my H. has chosen to do. HE chose this, not me. Same with your H. I just want to see you start to feel better.
Let me know what you think, ok?
Hugs, Imdi.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hey hope- How's your day? Hope you are having a good one...
You are right...i do need to do something different, b/c how i am right now is doing nothing for me...it is just making me worse and i am afraid of sinking into a depression again. I have been really good for a long time...but, i find myself feeling very sad, not wanting to do anything, and just wanting to sleep. This is VERY bad for me, given my history. I just don't know what else to do. I don't look forward to the weekends anymore b/c i do nothing but sit in my room and watch television. I just feel so miserable.
I keep thinking that my H is pulling back more now, now that the holidays are over, and preparing us both for the D. But, then i think, wait, he told me last weekend that he loved me. Does that mean anything? I hate even questioning the sincerity of that from him...i NEVER did that before...never had to. I just feel like i don't even know what is real anymore. I miss my H. I miss being with him, spending time with him doing nothing. I am trying to get myself to a point where i don't care anymore...but, its just not happening. Does it ever? I mean, really, how do we get over this? I can't help but feel completely rejected, as well as betrayed. And i just don't understand how he could do this to me...it really does make me question whether he ever loved me. And i can't figure out why he just doesn't come clean about ow...i mean, we're separated, he wants out, we have the agreement, he knows that he is able to bully me into doing whatever he wants...what's stopping him? This way, he could be free of me...no more lies to me, no more having to call me...he could just have her...thats what he wants. I keep hoping that one day, he will come to me and tell me he is sorry and that he wants me...but, i don't know if that will ever happen. And i don't know how to live my life without him...i don't want to.
He called me today...left a message on my cell phone asking me to call him back at the office...he sounded very serious, so i called him back. Small talk for a few minutes. Then he asked me if i get paid this week...told him yes, and that i would give him a check over the weekend. I said, "is that why you called?" He said "well, one of the reasons." So, we continued to talk. As we are getting off the phone, I said "oh, that's it?" And he said, "yeah, i just wanted to say hi and see if you got a chance to go outside today." So, i said okay. That was it...we got off the phone.
So, thats where i stand right now. I will continue not to call him and see if/when he calls me again.
Sorry for my tirade...just feeling very sad. Thanks for listening.
Just thinking of you... and wanted to add my two cents (which you know, is worth about two cents).
Quote: But, then i think, wait, he told me last weekend that he loved me. Does that mean anything? I hate even questioning the sincerity of that from him...i NEVER did that before...never had to. I just feel like i don't even know what is real anymore.
I think this is totally normal... your trust, your faith, your ideas of what is right and wrong and real and true have all been tested so much in the last few months. You just have to "dig deep" -- you can believe whatever you want to believe... but remember that you have to take everything he says or does at face value. You can't read into it and most importantly, you can ride the roller coaster with it... take the highs as highs and lows and lows but don't let it hurt you... Does that make sense.
you're so entitled to sadness and madness... the secret is, don't let it take over you. find other things to do, think about, see... i know it sounds ridiculous... but i'm telling you it works and it helps. i didn't spend one second this weekend thinking about the @ss or the twit... and i had a blast... i got home last night... didn't think about him.. even had to start telling some of my family today... and i didn't get mad. i didn't believe that it would get easier or better, but i'm starting too... and that doesn't mean that you have to give up on your marriage... i know it may seem "easier" because i am accepting the end of mine... but it's really the same thing, if you can bring yourself to go out and face the world and face the possibility of it all -- it's damn liberating... and you'll figure out how wonderful you are, how beautiful you are, how smart you are, and how other people want to be around you. And, if he's lucky, so will he.
Is that too much for a Monday night.
Wish I could give you a hug. Instead, I'll send you one: HUUUUUUGGGGG.
You're wrestling with a lot of the same emotions I've been over a thousand times. Sorry you're on that rollercoaster--no fun, I know.
My W still tells me she loves me every day--every phone call. So, it's like there's a running conflict in the brain, but I know what the reality is. I'm sorry your H is doing this to you, and I know how much you ache to be with him, but TTS is giving you some great advice. See if you have the strength to try it out for a while.
All the best, and here's a hug just for you too!
I really do know what you're going through, and I hate to see it happen to anyone.
Hang in there,
Lost
P.S. I really like the title of your thread--it really rings true for me too.
Thanks TTS and Lost - I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
I know that i have to get out and do something in order to take my mind off of him. There are times, though, that i just feel paralyzed by it all.
I was laying in bed last night (after watching the InStyle Celebrity Wedding show and the Bachelor....probably not the best choices given my sitch and my recent mood) and i just started to cry. I am so sad. I am sad for the loss of my M. I feel like i let my H down...this M was supposed to be different - I was supposed to be different. I feel like I let my parents down. I am sad for my parents b/c i know they are hurt by all of this. I also feel like i let his parents down, as they now have to go through another D with him. I feel like I will never find someone who will love me like he did. I just feel very unloveable right now. I don't know how to let go of my love for him, of my hopes and dreams. And what i can't get out of my head is, if i am the love of his life, then how can he choose to want to live without me. I had all these memories last night and this morning of our wedding...remembering how he looked and how happy we were. And i wonder how we got here...what happened to us. And i don't understand how he can just throw it all away. I keep hoping i will wake up from this nightmare and things will be different...but, i know this is reality. And it sucks so bad. What is so wrong with me that he can't love me enough to stick it out? I don't know what happened to that man that i married and how he could just disappear. I know that he is hurt. But, i am hurt too. Doesn't my pain and hurt matter? Don't my fears matter? I wish he could realize the mistake that he is making, but i know that won't happen. I know that i just have to let go. I can't hold out hope anymore...it is just killing me. But, i can't let go.
Hugs. I’m sorry this is so hard. I cried last night, too. Up and down, all the time, right? There is nothing unlovable about you; remember this is your H’s problem, not yours. He is lost and mixed up right now, and trying to find his way. You can’t take anything he does personally, ok? You are a wonderful person and there are many men who would love to be with you, although I know that doesn’t interest you right now. But you must keep it in mind; you wouldn’t be alone if your marriage ended. I have had to tell myself the same thing in recent weeks. This may sound like odd advice but try not to think about the good times, like your wedding, right now. I have had to put all those kinds of things out of my mind. We have to remember that those memories are wonderful but they do not reflect how our H’s feel right now. They have changed and become different; we can’t compare how they are now to how they were then. Someday we can look back, once we have made it past all this pain, and enjoy the happier times, but it’s overload to focus on them right now. Doing this makes me backslide. I hope you have a good day, Imdi. I’ll be thinking of you. Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
You are absolutely lovable. Repeat that to yourself several times please. Actually I take the please back. This is an order.
I understand your feelings of doubt that your H ever loved you, but I'm going to have to disagree. I really doubt he would have married you if he wasn't in love. He is very conflicted right now and regardless of how much he cares for you his priority is taking care of himself. It's selfish and cruel but I suppose that's just the way things have to be.
Why are you spending so much time in your bedroom watching TV? That is not healthy. I should know, right before my M first started to deteriorate I was depressed and watched way too much TV way too late into the night.
Get out of the house and do something, anything. Sometimes it's nice just to grab a coffee somewhere and sit and read. Sure you could do it at home but it's also good to get outside in the real world.
