Hey hope- How's your day? Hope you are having a good one...
You are right...i do need to do something different, b/c how i am right now is doing nothing for me...it is just making me worse and i am afraid of sinking into a depression again. I have been really good for a long time...but, i find myself feeling very sad, not wanting to do anything, and just wanting to sleep. This is VERY bad for me, given my history. I just don't know what else to do. I don't look forward to the weekends anymore b/c i do nothing but sit in my room and watch television. I just feel so miserable.
I keep thinking that my H is pulling back more now, now that the holidays are over, and preparing us both for the D. But, then i think, wait, he told me last weekend that he loved me. Does that mean anything? I hate even questioning the sincerity of that from him...i NEVER did that before...never had to. I just feel like i don't even know what is real anymore. I miss my H. I miss being with him, spending time with him doing nothing. I am trying to get myself to a point where i don't care anymore...but, its just not happening. Does it ever? I mean, really, how do we get over this? I can't help but feel completely rejected, as well as betrayed. And i just don't understand how he could do this to me...it really does make me question whether he ever loved me. And i can't figure out why he just doesn't come clean about ow...i mean, we're separated, he wants out, we have the agreement, he knows that he is able to bully me into doing whatever he wants...what's stopping him? This way, he could be free of me...no more lies to me, no more having to call me...he could just have her...thats what he wants. I keep hoping that one day, he will come to me and tell me he is sorry and that he wants me...but, i don't know if that will ever happen. And i don't know how to live my life without him...i don't want to.
He called me today...left a message on my cell phone asking me to call him back at the office...he sounded very serious, so i called him back. Small talk for a few minutes. Then he asked me if i get paid this week...told him yes, and that i would give him a check over the weekend. I said, "is that why you called?" He said "well, one of the reasons." So, we continued to talk. As we are getting off the phone, I said "oh, that's it?" And he said, "yeah, i just wanted to say hi and see if you got a chance to go outside today." So, i said okay. That was it...we got off the phone.
So, thats where i stand right now. I will continue not to call him and see if/when he calls me again.
Sorry for my tirade...just feeling very sad. Thanks for listening.
